Lost it all

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Jemm, Jun 28, 2012.

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  1. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    I had life exactly how I pictured it, I was happy and hard working and naive... Stupid addiction... Everything is lost, my work my friends my life in shambles, I don't know what the point of starting all over is... I don't have anything left inside me, all I do is wallow in the depths of misery and despair...
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm sorry things are so hard because of your addiction...it can be a very difficult thing to overcome...but I believe that you can pull through. :)
     
  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    What is your addiction? when did everything start to go downhill?
     
  4. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words
     
  5. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    It fell apart almost a year and half ago... I'm sober... but I can't seem to move my life forward...
    Stagnant, suffocating in my own staleness
     
  6. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    What do feel like is holding you back? Do you feel lik your life has a hole in it now that drugs aren't a part of it anymore? I know when my depression started to let up I felt lost. I didn't know how to feel or what to do with myself.
     
  7. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    I don't want or need drugs or even crave them, what I miss is the life I lost because of drugs. I feel so lonely, so useless. I would love to get up and get on with my life, but I need to start from the bottom... I don't feel like I can. I don't know how to explain the impact my negativity is having on my life. I am afraid of failure, afraid of success. I have done so many stupid things, made so many stupid mistakes. I feel Im not worth the effort, that I deserve to live like this... Just wallowing in this lonely miserable state... Sometimes I believe this is where I belong, like a punishment of some sort... I don't know... I dont know how to like myself, I use to be so carefree and outgoing, like the day wasn't long enough for all the things I Wanted to do... And now the day never ends... I guess I just don't know
     
  8. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    Drugs didn't take everything from me, the court system did. Everyone is up in arms to fight for weed to be legalized and talking about how it's not so bad, but I got turned into just another loser by the court system at 18, and while all my friends smoked pot and got over it in a few years as they grew up, I continued to smoke out of spite. I went backwards. All the court system could do was tell you that you have a problem you have to admit you have a problem or you're obviously in denial, and that if you continue to smoke pot you'll lose everything. But then they turn around and tell you that pot isn't so bad at some of the groups they made me go to.

    I had to clean up freeways for 9 Sundays in a row on a chain gang, without the chains of course. And you know what I learned from the people the court system made me hang out with? From those people who never went to college and were destined to work at roofers for the rest of their lives? From the people who joked about where they did their jail time? You know what I learned? Where to get cocaine, which synthetic drugs will get you the most fucked up, how to grow pot, how to get a medical marijuana card, where to buy weed clones...

    They tell you you're a loser and make you pissed off and suicidal, then make you hangout with habitual criminals. I HAD TO GO TO A GROUP WITH 2 GUYS WHO WERE STRAIGHT OF PRISON FOR USING "A LITTLE BIT OF THIS A LITTLE BIT OF THAT"..... And here I am, upper middle class, hard working, otherwise law abiding, captain of my high school swim team and because I got caught with some dust in a grinder and a bowl... They took everything from me. And while my friends grew up, I regressed, I have no idea how to talk to people. This girl threw herself at me and I still blew it by not knowing how to talk to her. I haven't hung out with anyone at all this summer because I'm still too ashamed to show my face in this city I've lived in for 21 years. I couldn't even legally drink on my 21st birthday.

    I gave up sleeping years ago. Going to bed around 11 and laying in bed until 5 not being able to sleep became too frustrating.
     
  9. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    You story sux... I mean really sux, I don't think it's fair, you are absolutely right about being placed in the wrong place around the wrong people, and it sux, but what now...? What happens next? I wish I knew... Just move forward, just forget the past, the people, every wrong decision, step outside and make new ones, right ones, on a straight path... But for some reason... I have all the awareness, all the tools... But I just can't move...
    Wallow
     
  10. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Damn right they did, and your story is exactly why people want marijuana to be legalized. I've heard people scoff at the idea and say that "nobody serves time in jail for marijuana anyway". The hell they don't. Someone explain to me how what they did to you is supposed to help fix the drug problem. The "War on Drugs" is really a war on people. Look, I understand that some drugs are horrible, addictive, dangerous, life altering, etc., and I've seen a lot of people's lives ruined by drugs. But I have also seen a lot of people's lives ruined by the court system. Two wrongs don't make a right. Addiction is a mental health disease, not a crime. Most people who turn to drugs do so to cope with depression, loneliness, social anxiety, etc. What sense does it make to punish somebody who is just trying to medicate the pain that they're already feeling?

    I'm sorry for both of you and for what you've lost as a result. I've had my own issues with drugs, alcohol and addiction, and was fortunate to come through most of it relatively unscathed. Many of my former friends were not so lucky. At least one of them is dead, many more are in jail or have been in jail. There are plenty of programs out there to help people get off of drugs and alcohol, but I wish there were people and programs out there dedicated to making life normal again for people after leaving that life behind. It doesn't do much good to cure the addiction if you don't also cure what caused the addiction in the first place and the damage that resulted from it.
     
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