Lost Liberties.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perishable, Oct 12, 2007.

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  1. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    These thoughts reoccuring in my mind to finally be free from the controlling grasp of my mother are so ideal that my patience is starting to become limited. But, I get Fucking tired of awaiting the day. If I cannot control the steering wheel of life, what is the use of existance.
    I keep thinking about the future. So what if I progress into an excellent job with an incredible suffient pay?
    What if this...What if that...
    Does it matter?
    I'm so caught on things. I feel like letting go of the thread that keeps me breathing. There are so many issues bothering me. First off.
    My mother. I only have one. And she dilberately hurt me last year. I will never forgive her, and now I have lost all respect for her.
    I am not the kind of person to hold a grudge. But she broke my heart.
    I know that may sound odd. But I was trying to build a magnificent bond, between a mother and daughter... and she told me.
    "I dont want to be your friend. I dont care about your feelings. I dont want to tell you my feelings."
    I told her about how I was molested when I was 12. She became infuriated. Not with my molester...but with me. It tore me up inside, I dont cry. But, That ripped me apart so bad I wanted to take a shot gun and blast my brain into smithered fragments onto the wall. It hurt...immensely.
    So I ran away using the assistance of a best friend. I ran away with my father who wasnt living in the same house hold at the time. When I got there, he was mad also. It was disgusting how much little...or how I was recieving no care or concern from my parents. They have horrible parenting skills. For this, I wish to have no children of my own.
    Im 17 and I want to start my life, go to college...My mother is dissapointeed that I want to go to college in a different state. (This is to be as far from her as possible). My family is on welfare and etc... No money what so ever. But I dont care. I hold 2 jobs and Im trying. Really, I am. But they dont. They tell me I cant do anything.
    my mother told my father that I was molested. And he told her I was lying.

    I was molested by x-bestfriend when I was 12, consistantly for a year. I was molested when I was kindergarten, this I vaguely remember, but it is a memory none the less. For this, my mental state on sexual issues is distorted. Its resolving now. I have become more accepting to the fact and realizing to man-up and move on. But it is extremely difficult.

    I have some one who I found recently who I think I may be in love with. But I dont know, I get draw backs, as if I am afraid of intimacy. Its extremely hard for me to express my love and care. Since I cant towards my family and I have never really held a relationship. Society is mostly droned into fucking and no love. What I lack is love. It kills.
    Without love...I... I dont know.
    Im so destroyed inside I want to dissapear.

    I tried commiting suicide by...well. I had a stomach problem last year, I had strong pains, But I said nothing. It hurt to wear I thought I was dieing. I have a high pain tolerance level. I knew something was wrong, seriously wrong, and it hurt, the pain, I wanted it to kill me. I knew it would. But, my mother saw me lieing on the floor one night and took me to the hospital. They said If I waited any longer I would have died, I was rushed into surgery.
    when the doctors examined me, the saw this enourous bruise on my thigh. My mom had previously beaten me. It was enourmous to wear they questioned on how on earth I would obtain such a bruise. My mom answered for me saying "Oh, she fell."

    I wanted to make things better with my mother and I failed.
    I tried to cure my thoughts from my past...and Im failing.
    I dont know what I need, but my mentality is horribly mangled.
    ....Death sounds darling. An end. Not an escape from my problems. But a solution to my suffering.
  2. silverstrand

    silverstrand Active Member

    Dear Sister,

    I guess everybody's heart, just like mine, goes out to you. Your parents' reaction is shocking. Probably they have quite a lot of problems on their own if they failed that much at supporting you. :mad:

    It might be a good idea to somehow find some friends that you are getting on well with and together you could rent a flat and support each other mentally. This way you could sort of "find yourself" and get out of this environment that drags you down?

    Anyway, if you feel like chatting with me live I am more than happy to do so. Who knows, I might even able to tell you something useable? :smile:
  3. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Your parents are cunts. Plain and simple. You don't deserve what happened to you, and you can't let it influence your views of yourself, or who you want to be.

    You should be gone soon and ready to start a new life. Your views on sex and relationships and how they are viewed today are certainly not unique, and many people, men and women, don't like it. There are plenty of old-fashioned men out there that are fed up with dealing with sorority sluts and would like to have a loving relationship with a girl they can respect. College will not be an easy place to find these people, as college is a pretty superficial environment where being a "player" or a whore is glorified more than anywhere else. However, they are around and you can find them.

    The only advice I would give you is to try not to become bitter and to find a moral code that you can live by. If you always do what you think is right in spite of the obstacles, you will develop strength and self respect, and will begin to distance yourself from people like your parents and will attract good people who are more like you. If you are bitter that is understandable, just try to make sure that you direct that bitterness at people that deserve it, rather than the innocent. After dealing with enough terrible people it is easy to become very selfish and hate everyone. That is why abuse so often repeats itself in subsequent generations. Try not to do so, and if you feel the need to hate, direct it at those who deserve it- don't become one of them.
  4. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    What a heartbreaker of a thread. Perishable, I'd say there's no point staying in contact with your parents once you can move out. You sound like an ambitious young girl, and have a lot of potential.
    It certainly seems that way. I suppose the easiest way to tell if a someone is serious about loving you is to not have sex with them. That's what I'd do.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I agree with the above posts. There is no law that says you have to love your family, and from what I can see, your parents don't deserve your love. Do you have any other family you care for? Don't give up. Just from what you wrote your strength is palpable on the page. Use that strength. Keep working, go to college and tell your parents to suck it.
  6. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    These two points express my sentiment exactly:

    I feel oppositely about eventual child-rearing, though. Because my parents were such horrible failures at raising children, I feel I would be lightyears ahead of them by doing only two key things: being there for your child, and supporting your child unconditionally.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2007
  7. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    When I was writting the thread I felt pathetic and lost. As if everything I was writting that happened to me was self inflicted. Like I cause my problems and I only think they are the fault of my parents. but...judging from your replys I dont. But, I will never stoop down to their level.
    Even though I lost respect for my mother....
    I have never cussed at her. Just out of the fact that she cusses at me.
    So I figure using the same language slowly drives me down the same path.
    But recently things have only been getting worse.
    The only thing I have to look forward to is senior projects. So I can focus my mind on school instead of on my family when I am at home...
    Its hard to hang out with friends. I'm usually cooped in my room.
    ...I'm not allowed outside very often, they assume im extremely disobiedient for some reason. even though I've never done any of the things they accuse I might do.
    I wish I could have a loving family. On most peoples priorities that lists as number one. But family is not on my list. Friends is my number one priority...of which I am refrained from seeing or coming in contact with.
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Soon you will be on your own and your parents will not be able to control you. Also, don't lose complete hope. Someday, they may come around to your way of thinking and you may be able to have a good relationship with them. If not, I also believe we can make our own families and love them just as much. Try to stay focussed on school and friends (when you can see them) and pretty soon you will be able to move out, go to college and be independent. Hang in there.
  9. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    I never could understand why abused people always had this feeling of deserving what happened to them, and I could never understand why they always seemed to be consumed with shame and self-loathing rather than righteous rage. When terrible things happened to me however, I recieved an education. When you are hurt, and are subsequently powerless to achieve justice or redemption, you begin to feel weak, and you learn to hate yourself for your weakness. You try to find meaning in what happened, and in doing so, you try to find reasons why you deserved it. The fact is, there are no reasons or answers- it just happened. If you blame yourself it will eventually destroy you. You have to find a balance. You have to take responsibility for your own actions while at the same time recognizing that when bad things happen to you it is not some form of divine punishment that you have somehow earned.

    You can't define yourself or base your self-respect on how the world has treated you. If this was a logical way of thinking, than everyone who is powerful and happy must be a good person, and everyone with a shitty life must be evil. We all know that this is not the case.

    Soon you will be leaving home, and will have to make the transition from dependent child to responisble adult. When that happens, you will have to act as an accountable, ethical human being, with an understanding of how your actions affect others. That means doing what you think is right for yourself and others without being influenced by guilt trips or other forms of emotional blackmail placed on you by your parents or other people.
  10. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    "It certainly seems that way. I suppose the easiest way to tell if a someone is serious about loving you is to not have sex with them. That's what I'd do."
    -Silent Enigma

    This is very true. In spite of what society may tell you, strong, good men don't trust, love, or respect whores. Some naiive, inexperienced guys may date one for a while until they learn what they are really about, some insecure guys may do the same thinking they can't do any better, and still some guys may date one to show what a stud they are by keeping a slut "in check." These motivations however do not a happy couple make.
    Screwing around too much will make it much harder to have a stable relationship.

    "I'll never love you enough to trust you-
    we just met and I just fucked you."
  11. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot jryan3434.
    You certainly contain a great amount of intellect on this whole...situation.
    I have thought about some of the things that you posted. I.E. "When you are hurt, and are subsequently powerless to achieve justice or redemption, you begin to feel weak, and you learn to hate yourself for your weakness. You try to find meaning in what happened, and in doing so, you try to find reasons why you deserved it. The fact is, there are no reasons or answers- it just happened."...

    But you have posted it in terms to where I cannot argue. You're absolutely correct. At the moment, I feel every bit of accepting toward what you've said. My mind likes to jump around, I'll have multiple view and contradictions within every day. Like 500 different attitudes every 24 hours. Multi-personality disorder,...if you want to call. I just have never been to psychologist or anything of the like, and never will, to be justified and dignoised with disorder...or anything. W/E.
    I'm thinking of taking your guys advice on the whole sexual aspect of my mentallity and waiting it out. I guess it couldn't hurt me anymore than everything has already...
  12. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    I'm not big into psychiatry either. I think psychiatrists often try to make you accept whatever situation you are in rather than helping you change it. Thats essentially what anti-depressants do- drug you into accepting your situation and emotions rather than helping you overcome them. Medication was used for depression long before Prozac. It was called alcohol, opium and weed. I know there are some people here who have benefitted from psychiatry, but I think they are the exception rather than the rule.

    This is just my opinion and experience, but personally, I think that one of the keys to overcoming the confusion you speak of is to spend some time really thinking about what you believe in, and the type of person you want to be. The eaisiest way to do this is often by figuring out who you respect, and who you would want as a friend, business associate, lover, ect., and then deciding what you need to do to become that type of person. By figuring out where you stand on issues of right and wrong, and then regularly acting on those principles, you begin to define yourself as a person, rather than simply as a robot or animal that moves wherever the current of emotion or instinct takes them. When you begin to take responsibility for what you do, and fear violating your own principles more than you fear external events, you cease to be victimized. You can still be injured, and you are still subject to the storms of the world, but your self-respect remains intact. I believe that before someone can be truly happy, they have to be strong, and that involves overcoming emotion when it destructive. The emotion will always be there, and emotion and feeling makes life worth living. However, you must have a control over your actions that cannot be overpowered by the whim of the moment. That is often the problem with abusive people. They don't have control over their emotions, so rather than restrain themselves from doing what they know is wrong, if they feel anger, they kick the dog so to speak, just because they feel like it.

    I think something that many people don't understand is that courage and strength is more of a choice and a habit than an inborn trait. Most people who are strong were not always that way. They started out terrified, but by doing what they knew was right or necessary regarless of their fear, they gradually lessened it until it was not a major factor in their decisions or actions. If a coward acts bravely enough times in spite of their cowardice, eventually they will find that they have ceased to be a coward.

    "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "
    -Eleanor Roosevelt

    And if I'm going to do Eleanor quotes, I like this one too:

    "If someone betrays you once its their fault. If they betray you twice, its yours."
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2007
  13. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    You're absolutely brilliant. I'm going to go think to myself now. :blink:
  14. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    :sad: Man, I just want to leave now! All this fucking hoo-haw shit is ridiculous.... It makes suicidal thoughts transfer to homocidal ones.
  15. Excuse me for keeping this simple - I've read your posts and one thing is prominent.

    You are an intelligent young lady. That is very, very clear.

    To lose such a rarity would just be such a waste. Intelligence is one asset which can be both a curse and a saviour.

    Give it time to be your saviour.

    Would you ever consider writing a book on your life's happenings? Something like that is where your intelligence can fuse with therapy.
  16. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    You are Excused with pleasure. Go right ahead,... :laugh:
    writing happens to be one of my general outlets.
    I don't think I could write a story of my life without feel as if it would be extremely useless as to the fact that a great amount of the population suffers.

    I do write. Poetry mostly. Quick rhyming thoughts to express myself.
    Since I'm not permitted to see my friends very often, I script the way I feel inside in words I am not able to speak to my closely held ones.

    Thank you for the notification of my "intelligence"...makes me feel somewhat useful...somewhat in the long run.

    But, I don't know. I have been very very outcasted in my family, its starting to chew away my motivation for the better.
  17. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    For four years my therapist encouraged me to write a book of my life story but I couln't see the value of it. Like you I write poety to express myself as I spend most of my time in my flat and am isolated.

    Last year I started writing the book and it was amazing how cathartic it became. It didn't solve my past or present issues but it helped to put them into perspective. I decided not to get it published but I did it for myself and I am proud of it........please don' dismiss the idea completely?? Maybe now is just not the right time.......
  18. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    This makes sense. I mean from the time I first wrote this thread, things have been more intense in catastrophies. I mean, I write about the scuffles that happen to me in a less fully extentive version on this site, I'm sure I could take the time to write self kept autobiography of tragedy.
    I will not eliminate the idea to totality. It wont be shunned.

    I wish I could write an autobiography of success and happiness. :dry:
    Go figure.
  19. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I Want To Fucking Kill Myself!
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