:sad: These thoughts reoccuring in my mind to finally be free from the controlling grasp of my mother are so ideal that my patience is starting to become limited. But, I get Fucking tired of awaiting the day. If I cannot control the steering wheel of life, what is the use of existance. I keep thinking about the future. So what if I progress into an excellent job with an incredible suffient pay? What if this...What if that... Does it matter? I'm so caught on things. I feel like letting go of the thread that keeps me breathing. There are so many issues bothering me. First off. My mother. I only have one. And she dilberately hurt me last year. I will never forgive her, and now I have lost all respect for her. I am not the kind of person to hold a grudge. But she broke my heart. I know that may sound odd. But I was trying to build a magnificent bond, between a mother and daughter... and she told me. "I dont want to be your friend. I dont care about your feelings. I dont want to tell you my feelings." I told her about how I was molested when I was 12. She became infuriated. Not with my molester...but with me. It tore me up inside, I dont cry. But, That ripped me apart so bad I wanted to take a shot gun and blast my brain into smithered fragments onto the wall. It hurt...immensely. So I ran away using the assistance of a best friend. I ran away with my father who wasnt living in the same house hold at the time. When I got there, he was mad also. It was disgusting how much little...or how I was recieving no care or concern from my parents. They have horrible parenting skills. For this, I wish to have no children of my own. Im 17 and I want to start my life, go to college...My mother is dissapointeed that I want to go to college in a different state. (This is to be as far from her as possible). My family is on welfare and etc... No money what so ever. But I dont care. I hold 2 jobs and Im trying. Really, I am. But they dont. They tell me I cant do anything. my mother told my father that I was molested. And he told her I was lying. I was molested by x-bestfriend when I was 12, consistantly for a year. I was molested when I was kindergarten, this I vaguely remember, but it is a memory none the less. For this, my mental state on sexual issues is distorted. Its resolving now. I have become more accepting to the fact and realizing to man-up and move on. But it is extremely difficult. I have some one who I found recently who I think I may be in love with. But I dont know, I get draw backs, as if I am afraid of intimacy. Its extremely hard for me to express my love and care. Since I cant towards my family and I have never really held a relationship. Society is mostly droned into fucking and no love. What I lack is love. It kills. Without love...I... I dont know. Im so destroyed inside I want to dissapear. I tried commiting suicide by...well. I had a stomach problem last year, I had strong pains, But I said nothing. It hurt to wear I thought I was dieing. I have a high pain tolerance level. I knew something was wrong, seriously wrong, and it hurt, the pain, I wanted it to kill me. I knew it would. But, my mother saw me lieing on the floor one night and took me to the hospital. They said If I waited any longer I would have died, I was rushed into surgery. when the doctors examined me, the saw this enourous bruise on my thigh. My mom had previously beaten me. It was enourmous to wear they questioned on how on earth I would obtain such a bruise. My mom answered for me saying "Oh, she fell." I wanted to make things better with my mother and I failed. I tried to cure my thoughts from my past...and Im failing. I dont know what I need, but my mentality is horribly mangled. ....Death sounds darling. An end. Not an escape from my problems. But a solution to my suffering.