Lost lover...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by tequiero, Oct 31, 2007.

  1. tequiero

    tequiero New Member

    Hi there I am new to this forum...

    Today would have been Denis' 27 b-day. He died on Sept. 26th, 2007.

    I was struggling and then one day this beautiful man approaches me and says "one besa (kiss)?" I should have never given in...you see I am married...have been a long time to a wonderful man whom I love very much...but I had been struggling with many issues for a long time ...and the attention felt so good...you see I had felt dead for so long and for reasons I won't mention but this man made me feel alive...and we didn't even speak the same language...but we didn't need to...he was beautiful and now I have found out after the fact he was suffering with addictions..alcohol and meth.

    The affair was short only 5 months but intense...he was obsessed with me and I was having the time of my life...then I asked him to give me a break for a few weeks..that threw him into a binge...he called me on that wed at 2:08 and I didn't pick up the phone and by 2:55 he was gone...he punched a glass mirror and cut his artery in his arm and bled to death. The location was a place where we used to have sex at in the car...he was angry and his last message to me on my vm was that of rage and love...and I am not sure of the details of what happened..he may have slashed his wrist with the glass or it may have been accidental from being high and reckless...I will never know.

    Ironic that his b-day is on Halloween because I am haunted by him now...his memory...his touch ...his kiss...

    I am not asking for sympathy...just wanted to tell the story and say that I miss him.

    Also, I have told my husband everything...and believe it or not he has been an amazing support for me through all of this...I am lucky to have his love...I know this.

    Te Quiero Denis...I will never forget...
     
  2. freelsd

    freelsd New Member

    It horror.
    Horror - bad reason for suicide. If he kill himself for horror, it's his error, not your.
     
  3. Lucie

    Lucie Well-Known Member

    This is so sad :(

    But I can't belive your hubby didn't mind!
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear about Denis. Addictions can do terrible things and cause us to make poor choices. You are very lucky to have such a loving husband. Not many would understand what you did. You better hold on to him and appreciate the gift he has given you.
     
  5. tequiero

    tequiero New Member

    I know it is hard to believe that my hubby understood...I am not saying he isn't hurt...he just forgives me and wants me to not have any shame about it.

    He is a gift and I will not ever forget it...

    Denis was a gift too...I will never be the same...some people are never loved and never experience passion...I have had both.

    As tragic as it was...I am forever grateful.
     
  6. I've had my heart broken too many times to not ask this, and I don't mean it to sound like I think that you're wrong to feel sad or anything, I'm just curious--->

    Do you feel only for your lover right now? Are none of your thoughts with the husband you cheated on? Seeing you mourn for another man... He is probably going through just as deep and dark a hell as you right now.

    You already sound like you feel terrible, and I really don't want to make you feel any worse, I'm just wondering.
     
  7. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Tequiero, I'm sorry about your loss. Cherish the husband you have; it appears he loves you limitlessly. It's incredible that he has such forgiveness in his heart, especially considering that he's likely hurting as much as you are.

    In any case, best wishes to you, and I hope things somehow manage to work out in the favor of you both.
     
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    That being said, I agree with you in the sense that this person has little if no remorse. She seems to be hung up on this guy. If that is the case, then the poster (IMO) should do some real soul searching and decide if she really loves her husband and wants to make it work. To the poster: Please try marriage counseling. I believe 100% in the sanctity of marriage and I believe that we should all do what we can to make our marriages work.

    You cannot continue to mourn this man while simultaneously trying to make it work with your husband. I can never know what is going on in your marriage, and it is definitely between the two of you, but you need to "shit or get off the pot". Commit to your marriage or don't, but do not keep your husband in limbo...it's just not fair to either of you.
     
  9. wow, i don't disagree she was a liar, and a lousy wife, but she deffinitely feels bad. and calling her names and cussing at her is uncalled for.

    i'm not on her side, but she came her for support. cdub, think about what you're saying.
     
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    <mod edit jenny - quotes deleted post>


    Um, ok. I am not a raging feminist, nor am I a liberal. I don't sit around bitching about equality or equal pay for equal work either and I don't scowl at a man for opening the door for me. In fact, I welcome it. And give me a break with this "men have no rights" bullshit. Most states have no-fault divorce and if women weren't only paid 75 cents for every dollar that men make, men wouldn't have to pay alimony in the states where no-fault divorce isn't the law. In fact, women who make more than their husbands have to pay THEM. And frankly, women who put their dreams on the shelf to raise children and cook and clean deserve some fucking money in the event of a divorce. Just because they don't bring in money does not mean that they don't work equally hard. All in all, divorce has become pretty fair.

    Also, in the Kinsey report, 60% of men were recorded to be adulterers as opposed to 30% of women. So there you go.

    <mod edit jenny - do not attack members> I agree that the woman was wrong and I said as much, but name calling is not necessary, especially on a support forum. There was nothing constructive about anything you said. And yes, the husband should leave her, but he's not doing that is he? So given that fact, she needs to either leave HIM or make her marriage work, preferably through counseling.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2007
  11. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    The 75 for every dollar myth was debunked a long time ago. It didnt take into account the different types of work, the hours worked, or the amount of years in the same job. The real problem is that men are too willing to take high risk jobs, go into jobs with the sole focus of earning a lot of money and stay in employment with one company as long as they dont get a better job for more pay.
    It is hard work for sure, but looking after your kids and home isnt on the same level as hiking over some desert, a thousand miles away and watching your friends get shot. It's harder than some jobs and it's also easier than a lot of others.
    Except for men having to put up with never seeing their kids again. It's easily done, either move halfway across the country or badmouth him to the point that they dont want to see him. My uncle's sons from a previous marriage cant wait for him to die. They expect money out if it, they wont get it but it's still an example of how bad things can get.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports
    "The Kinsey Reports are two books on human sexual behavior, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953)....Data was gathered primarily by means of interviews, which were encoded to maintain confidentiality."
    You mean those two? I wouldnt hold up what is really only a survey done five decades ago as any kind of indicator of current sexual behaviours. You will never get 100% accurate results from just asking anything as personal as this. After a quick search I've seen 22%-11% and 24%-15% as more recent figures. Much lower all round but you really have to wonder why.
     
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Yes the 75% rule for women definitely has some holes. But think about it. The TYPE of job? Let's face it, women have only recently been "allowed" into typically male-dominated jobs. I have no doubt that very soon, the pay-grade will be equal, but I also know for a fact that women are often not promoted into high-paying jobs because the men in charge simply assume that we all want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen by the age of 30, so many women who are extremely qualified never get promoted. I'm not saying that people do not have every right to hire the individuals who will most likely be present the longest because I am a capitalist, but it's a fact.

    Your example of being in the desert and getting shot at is an extreme example. First of all, there are MANY women who want to go to war but are not permitted to as per the law, and secondly, if you look at the average "stay-at-home" mother and the average father, the woman works a 16-18 hour day, while the male generally goes to work for 8 hours and comes home, plays with the kids for 2 hours, eats the dinner his wife cooks and then goes to bed after a cocktail.

    I agree about the "never seeing your kids again" divorce system. Any responsible wife (with custody) with a husband who isn't a wife-beater or child-molester should be prevented from moving so far away that the children cannot see their father on a regular basis.

    As per the Kinsey Report, I'm not saying that it was 100% accurate, but I think we all know intrinsically that men cheat more than women. Any person who says otherwise is not thinking clearly. Biologically speaking, men are pre-wired for multiple partners (spreading the seed and all that shit), whereas women are more prone to partnering with one male who will care or them and their family.
     
  13. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    I agree that there is still some bias to be worked out. I have also heard of people not getting jobs based on their height, weight and skin color so the fact that sex is still discriminated against to a degree isnt suprising. Saying that, yes it is based on the type of job. It isnt that women arent welcome in such jobs, it's that most have little interest in working themselves half to death in a boring job just to chase after the dollar.
    It's an example based on the real lives of millions of men and there's other similarly dangerous jobs out there too.
    What women cant go to war or at least join the armed forces in the western world?
    16-18 hour days? Sure, if they want to. They could work less or more, or work hard in the afternoon, or whatever hours they want. Then get the kids to help out and the husband to help out etc. You're ignoring any contribution others might bring to the running of the household and not taking into account any further work a father may have to bring home with him. I often think the average, modern family both go out to work and both come back to help/argue over the household chores. Not that I know any statistics about it.
    Yeah, it's a pity that they arent prevented, like you suggest. I guess it would be far too hard for any court to enforce.
    Biologically speaking, women are also wired for the same thing. The more recent scientific thinking is that a female will also seek more than one sexual partner in order to increase their chances of becomming pregnant and have their socially accepted mate raise any and all children born.
     
  14. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Ok, I've gone through and edited out any quoted posts where members are name calling and/or not being supportive of the original poster.

    I understand that you are all entitled to your opinions and feelings about this topic, but please do not post them in response to someone who has posted on a suicide forum for support. We have a Soap Box forum where you are welcome to hold a debate about cheating, etc.

    Now, please let's get back to the original purpose of this support forum, i.e. to support. Anything else = soap box.

    Thank you
    Jenny
     
  15. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear about the guy that dead, and all is well, I am sure your husband is not threatened he died anyway. But its not anyones job to judge, and this is a suicidal forum, dont you think you should be carful what you say to people and how it will effect them???