Lost my babe.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tarthenol, Aug 22, 2006.

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  1. Tarthenol

    Tarthenol Active Member

    Hi all new to boards here. I have been suffering from depression for as long as i can remember. However, a few years ago i met a girl who wouldnt 'allow' me to be depressed. She was always making me laugh, distracting me from how I felt, encouraging me to go my counsellor when I didnt want to, making love to me, you name it, she did all a person could. And it worked. For a while.

    But the strain on our relationship started to get bigger and bigger, I would be fine for a few weeks then I would just 'shut down;. come in from work and go to bed, cry for no reason etc.

    To cut a long story short, she ended it with me several months ago. She (and the counsellor agreed) believed that I was leaning too much on her and needed to find my own strenght, if I could be happy with her then why could I not be happy on my own as well. So we had a trial break of a month where I moved out to parents and she stayed in house. I couldnt even wait a month to see her again and called over and ended up having a huge row.

    Eventually i moved back in with her but we remained 'friends'. We ended up in bed together a few times but i kept messing it up - i had to know where we were going and i wasnt concentrating on myself as i should have been.

    Speed to recent events and she went off on a trip of a lifetime with friends recently and when she got back, she had changed. She became secretive and began staying out all night sometimes for the whole weekend. When i asked i was told it wasnt my business anymore! suppose it isnt really?

    anyway, i confronted her and asked if she had met someone else and she said she had. i was/am shattered. we had another row and she sapt venom at me, said that i was useless, whiner, loser, failure.

    She was right. I am. and now I just want to end it all. the only real worries i have are:

    Grief of those left.

    The trouble that will result - I know my parents will 'blame' her for this even though she is blameless, i have almost ruined her but she survived.

    The afterlife.

    I think the afterlife scares me more than anything, I am afraid that I will continue to exist with this pain and that scares me so much.

    I have already tried once, the night she told me she hated me - I took a lot of pills that night, (deleted part which was not within the guidelines)of each yet somehow I awoke coverd in vomit. I passed blood for a few days and was very sick but seem to have gotten better except i have a pain in my kidneys. i'm hoping it will kill me and have not gone to a doctor about it.

    I am going to try hanging by using a belf around a door handle next except te whole afterlife thing keeps getting in my head. if i knew i ceased to exist i would have just put a blade to my throat by now.

    I am crying typing this, she was the greatest, smartes, funniest, sexiest girl i ever knew, we were together 7 years and mostly they were good. She has long red hair and beautiful green eyes and i have a picture of the two of us beside the pc. i will never meet her likes again because she was my soulmate, my lover, my best friend. life is empty now without her love yet i still see her everyday (we still live together - lomg story).

    I keep listening to REMs everybody hurts and its imploring me to hang on....I dont want to. i just want to go away and cease to be. she is with someone else now i cant stand it anymore. my heart is shattered and i cannot eat or sleep, i cant talk to anyone, stop going to counsellor taking anti-d's and doing anything much anymore. i havent showered in 4 days and i am sure i stink, havent shaved, brushed teeth or clipped nails.

    I think i will do it at the weekend and it scares and exhilirates me at the same time.

    thats my story.

    Ian
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2006
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...firstly, really sorry i had to delete that part of your post...secondly, please continue to tell us what is going on for you and you will find there are many ppl here who can relate to what you are going through...you sound quite wise and caring, characteristics which are in opposition to being useless and worthless...we are here for you and please PM me if you want a listening hear (really a watchful eye as this is cyber)...big hugs, and glad you found us...Jackie
     
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