Lost my footing~

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Allis, Jan 5, 2013.

  1. Allis

    Allis Active Member

    Welcome to the last 4 months of my life.
    It started when my relationship started going bad. We'd been living together over a year when he decided I didn't exist anymore. Work, Xbox, MMO's, RPGS, he never talked to me, never looked at me, just turned to his games. It depressed me that I couldn't make him happy, and my grades plumeted. I was terrified as my grades dropped. I dreaded class. At every crosswalk I thought about walking into traffic just to have a few days out of class to get away. Worst case scenario I'd die and never have to go back.
    At the end of the semester I lost my financial aide and had to drop out.
    Six months later he left me for a girl he met in an MMO.

    I had to move back in with mom.
    I was right back where I started two years ago with nothing to show for it.

    I had a lot of flings. Not a lot of sex, but a whole lot of chasing guys. I went from a high functioning BPD to a very very low functioning one.

    My home life was terrible.
    My mother (who also suffers from BPD) was off meds, dumped her shrink, and was deep in depression. She CONSTANTLY lashes out against my grandmother making her cry.
    Don't get me started on my living conditions atm. We'll say they're poor.

    I've been sick for over 4 months. Since september I have had whooping cough, bronchitus, pnumonia, tonsilitus, the flu, and a virus that made me cough until I vomited or passed out.
    I'd get better for maybe 2, 3 days at a time then get worse or catch something new.
    I think it's probably my mom's house giving me respiratory problems...

    I hadn't talked to my friends in over a year. I started talking to them again right before my bf left me. Some of them were actually willing to take me back. I can't tell you how lonely I had become before that.

    One of my flings panned out. He says he loves me. I thought he did. But before Christmas I stayed with him a week and when I left he seemed so eager to get rid of me. And after that he hardly called or txted for a week or so. I was mortified, constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong. If he loved me he should want to talk to me. I wanted to talk to him. But he was probably busy with family. With Christmas. With life. I told him the otherday I needed more attention in general.
    He said, "Don't make it an obligation, when it becomes a chore it's not fun anymore."
    I said, "When speaking with me is no longer a chore please give me a call C:"
    He did call more after that.
    But I was already guarded. Ready to run into the next fling.
    He's gone for a week now. No contact for 7 days.
    And all I say is "He still loves you, don't run away, he still loves you, don't run away"

    All my friends live 5+hrs away.
    I want to get out of the house but the people I know here are terrible. Guys that want in my pants, girls that resent that. Last year I didn't leave the house.
    Now I only leave to visit friends 5hrs away. And when I'm there I don't leave their house. Sometimes I don't even leave their bedroom. If I wanted to leave there's no one for me to go out with.

    I think I'm going to move out in February. I got a job offer that might work out. But I'm scared to live alone as a depressed socially awkward recluse. I'm scared to have roomates. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself around people. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to be in company. I'm scared I won't get back into college. I'm scared he'll leave me. I'm scared to check my e-mail or phone or messages because they might contain some form of rejection and I can't face that.
    I'm scared I'll start cutting again.

    And I'm so so tired of all of this. Stress, fear, love, expectations...I'm just so so tired.