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Lost my friend

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Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#1
Hello. I've had this account for a while but not posted here for years as I was active on another forum, which I have since left. I plan to stick around here and meet some friends.

A month ago, one of my closest friends (I'll call him Harvey) died unexpectedly. He was very ill but his sickness was not supposed to be terminal. Harvey was 36. It was not suicide but his death was ruled by the coroner to be related to cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism. Yet he had not had a drink in six months, partly due to another serious medical condition he was dealing with.

Since his death, I am shattered. I sometimes wish he could have taken me with him. I do have a wonderful husband and a couple of other friends, but I feel so lonely without Harvey. We were like family (I called him my little brother and he called me his big sister). We had very similar awful childhoods and both struggled daily with depression. It was a long-distance friendship but I knew him for 7 years. We would text daily and talk via Skype for hours each week. Harvey was suffering a lot with his medical condition but was hopeful since getting a diagnosis and treatment plan. I was fervently hopeful he would get better and be able to enjoy life again, and one day have the great life he deserved. Instead, he died. I hope beyond hope that he's in a better place.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#2
Sorry to hear that you lost Harvey

All I can say is that as painful as it is to lose someone that you love so much, it certainly sounds like you made his life a lot brighter. I'm glad that he had a friend like you that cared about him so much.
 
#3
Lady Wolfshead, Welcome back. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I will be praying for you. Do you have anyone to talk to about Harvey, to help process your grief? I have never been to one, but I know others who have been helped through a grief support group. Also, try journaling. Just get a blank notebook and when your feelings start to overwhelm you, pour it out on paper.
 
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Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
Hello and welcome back to the forum, I am so sorry for your loss. SF is here for you and we will try and help you as much as possible.

Would you consider going to therapy? It could help a lot.

May your friend rest in peace.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#5
Sorry to hear that you lost Harvey

All I can say is that as painful as it is to lose someone that you love so much, it certainly sounds like you made his life a lot brighter. I'm glad that he had a friend like you that cared about him so much.
Thanks so much - I sure hope I made his life brighter. I did run a fundraiser that made things a bit easier for him. And of course I told him that I loved him like my little brother so I hope he carries that with him wherever he is
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#6
Lady Wolfshead, Welcome back. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I will be praying for you. Do you have anyone to talk to about Harvey, to help process your grief? I have never been to one, but I know others who have been helped through a grief support group. Also, try journaling. Just get a blank notebook and when your feelings start to overwhelm you, pour it out on paper. If you like to read, Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright is really good.
Thanks. I appreciate your prayers. I pray for Harvey that he is somewhere good. He lives in my memory too of course. I do see a counsellor through my job and that is helping.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#7
Hello and welcome back to the forum, I am so sorry for your loss. SF is here for you and we will try and help you as much as possible.

Would you consider going to therapy? It could help a lot.

May your friend rest in peace.
Thanks and yes I am doing therapy. Every little bit helps. This has been unbelievably hard. One counsellor told me that when someone dies suddenly who is young and not supposed to be terminally ill, it can be especially traumatic.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#8
I had a very good visit with my family doctor today where she took the time to talk to me about Harvey. She knew I had a friend with severe Sarcoidosis (he had granulomas throughout his body including in his pericardial sac and lungs). I said the coroner's ruling of alcoholism didn't sit right with me, especially since Harvey had only drank heavily for a few years, and had been without alcohol for six months at the time of his death. She told me that she agreed, and that cases of Sarcoidosis as bad as Harvey's almost always result in liver damage (she showed me an academic study online where 70% of the patients had liver damage, and that study included mild cases not just severe ones). She said the coroner most likely saw the hemorrhage and the external liver damage and concluded alcoholism, without doing the liver dissection and mircoscopic examination which would show if the cirrhosis was partly caused by sarcoidosis.

I have to say I feel better. I don't want to judge anyone who dies from addiction, but I just felt that Harvey's severe illness must have something to do with his death. I've known alcoholics who were heavy drinkers walking around in their 50s and 60s so for him to die at 36 made no sense to me.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#9
I feel like he was misjudged and basically everyone was told that his death was his doing, from his drinking, whereas now I feel certain the sarcoidosis played a role. I am letting his friends and family know this (even though he was estranged from his family). He doesn't deserve to be remembered just as someone who drank himself to death.
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#11
HI there. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Brothers are hard to lose, blood or otherwise. I'm sure it's going to take a while to heal from losing him, it sounds like you could use a little while to get your bearings again. There's nothing out there that needs you more than the planet does, seriously. Killing yourself to "be with" someone who has passed on is just bullshit, I'm sorry. I hope you can take some time and let yourself grieve the loss of your dear friend. Nothing makes it go away but time does begin to heal things. Best wishes. Keep posting and welcome back.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#12
HI there. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Brothers are hard to lose, blood or otherwise. I'm sure it's going to take a while to heal from losing him, it sounds like you could use a little while to get your bearings again. There's nothing out there that needs you more than the planet does, seriously. Killing yourself to "be with" someone who has passed on is just bullshit, I'm sorry. I hope you can take some time and let yourself grieve the loss of your dear friend. Nothing makes it go away but time does begin to heal things. Best wishes. Keep posting and welcome back.
Yeah, it would be great if the coroner's report could be changed, but my friend has been cremated so that won't happen. I think it's enough that his loved ones know.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#13
HI there. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Brothers are hard to lose, blood or otherwise. I'm sure it's going to take a while to heal from losing him, it sounds like you could use a little while to get your bearings again. There's nothing out there that needs you more than the planet does, seriously. Killing yourself to "be with" someone who has passed on is just bullshit, I'm sorry. I hope you can take some time and let yourself grieve the loss of your dear friend. Nothing makes it go away but time does begin to heal things. Best wishes. Keep posting and welcome back.
Thanks. I don't think I said anything about killing myself. I still grieve for him every day though.
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#14
Thanks. I don't think I said anything about killing myself. I still grieve for him every day though.
I apologize :) I was prob reading into what others say along with what you wrote I suppose.
Again, I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Stick around ok? We got you.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#19
This just isn't getting any easier :(
I'm sorry that this is still so painful for you.

There's a lot of other people out there just like Harvey, and a lot of them on this forum. It could be that connecting to folks here could make things easier.

I hope that something can help
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#20
I'm sorry that this is still so painful for you.

There's a lot of other people out there just like Harvey, and a lot of them on this forum. It could be that connecting to folks here could make things easier.

I hope that something can help
Yes, I met Harvey on a forum like this.
 
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