Lost my job over a stupid mistake.... not much left for me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by josh3684, Oct 20, 2010.

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  1. josh3684

    josh3684 Member

    My situation will only make sense if i start from the beginning. Last year my girlfriend of 4 years left me suddenly really close to my 25th birthday... i was devastated, very miserable, very suicidal even though i knew i wouldnt do it.. I stayed a couple nights in a hospital over it, and even got therapy over it... Over the next several months i came into terms with everything realising that i was gonna be ok, reassured that I had a great job (I did computer support for a local hospital) and that i had so many great things in my life.
    Fast foward a year later, im at my job, and during lunch i pay for my food, and forgot to get a drink, so i got it, and the line was long and time was short. so like a idiot i skip line and eat, im ashamed to say that this happened a few times. Recently i was brought in to a meeting to discuss or rather be scolded by the HR boss, as to why i did this.... At first i denied it, like anyone would, and after a bit i just said that it was a stupid mistake. So at that moment I had to turn in my keys and leave. I was called in the next day and was forced to resign, or be terminated.
    I resigned and now am left unemployed... in my area its hard to find any job, let alone a good one. I know above everyone that what i did was wrong and more stupid than anything. I have been a wreck ever since it happened, I worked so hard to get that job, and now ive thrown it all away. So now what i struggled to get thru the prior year, im forced to re-enter the depression and miserable feelings that i had just escaped. Ive had people tell me things will be ok, and that i might even find a better job... but in the mind of someone like me, i dont believe it at all.... If it means anything I worked for them for 4 years, never had a bad mark on my record, and had never missed a day.... and they wouldnt even give me a chance over a few pepsi's.... so i guess u can imagine how horrible i feel for losing the last best thing i had for something so petty, that it was so pointless.
    Now I dont know what Im going to do, i feel like ending it all, like giving up... Im scared.. and i feel that i always ruin everything in my life...... Im at that familiar place called the edge again.. and not as many reasons to step back like i did before.

    Whats funny is that people say "I bet u wont do anything like that again".... the thing is i knew better before.... and i hate myself for doing it....

    I need help............ thank u at least for reading.
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    Its been over 3 months now... still looking for work.... Ive got a couple of oppurtunities ahead... but nothing has came to fruition.... I get discouraged so much over this... I just feel like a screwup and I even feel that if I get another job ill screw it up too... I just have a hard time with this....life is so hard sometimes... i feel selfish cause i know some of you are in more pain, or have more reason than me to feel bad.... but this has rotted me to the core.. Im a broken man... nothing seems to heal
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i dont know what to say. yes what you did was stupid. but to gave that enough reason to let you go???? it almost seems like ther was more to the situation than management let on. as if this was the excuse they were waiting for. maybe cut backs i dont know.

    right now it feels like your a screw up. like eveerything you touch you will fail. but thats the depression hun and when it speaks we tend to listen to closely and shut out the important things like reasoning and effort to change.

    can you keep posting? keep sharing with memebrs here? you were able to overcome this once. with a few understanding souls and a place to voice how youir feeling maybe you can find that path again? dont give up :arms:
  3. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    I have done too many stupid things to think about we get away with some not others. try to make this experience positive, to look back on as the turning point to get things sorted once and for all (in a good way). what you did was not inherently evil just a stupid mistake. you dont need to learn from it just use it as a point of reflection. decide whats important and go for it. good luck buddy and I know its not much if it wasnt for you I would have no-one to spout my crap too, so thanks.
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