Lost my mind control....

[Tnecniv]

I lost it yesterday.... I can't control myself... I Start laughing, making angry, disappointed, happy, sad, and so on noises without reason... Or for the people around me it makes no reason.. For me it makes perfect reason... For me.. I laugh of my past and my now, I laugh because I am worthless, I laugh of all the irony... I find my hell very funny.. I am the joker in the card stock, I am a clown.. A clown, People laugh of my pain, and so do I!

I feel like holding a performance all the time.. Or not performance, more like telling them what I feel, laughing, serious talk, and so on.. telling them about my Ironic and pathetic personal hell and thoughts..

I want to kill myself... I want to die... I am going to die... If it'll be now or in sixty years I dunno... But I really feel like dying... Now...

I need help... I need to talk to someone face to face or phone... I dunno why, but I need to say it out from my mouth... But everyone.... leaves... I'm not good enough! HAH! THEY are too good for ME!!

...


Well, that makes no sense....

But thats it...

Everyone leaves.... always...
No one stays..
They all tell me that I'm important to them, and they stay forever..
But I'm not enough..
and then they ditch me...
they all do...
Hahahaha!!! Someone hate me I know!!
I know that some higher creature in the sky or whatever is laughing of me!
Why the hell do EVERYTHING just get worse!?
I NEED SOMETHING POSITIVE!!!!!!
I NEED IT!!!
NOW!!!
ANYTHING!!!!

But it never comes....
I've told myself this for some time now...
I need something that never comes...
I really need it....
And I am fading away....

 

[mdmefontaine]

...i'm sorry that you feel so out of control...and also that you are not feeling '''heard''' or cared for , in your life.

i wish i could be of some help - please know that i am glad you reached out, and hope you can get some support to get through this... xxxx

 

[Stranger1]

I know what you mean about people coming into your life and pretending to care just to up and disappear..I quit trying 20 years ago and stay isolated because of this..Comin to the forum has made a big difference in my life. I know that there are people out there just like me and who honestly care..I am sure if you stick with the forum you too will find others who relate to what your going thru..Give us a chance!!!

 

[Tnecniv]

hm, yeah, It's because I know you help I post here, I've done that now for some time... It just hurts to feel so alone and paranoid when I'm outside my house..