Lost my voice and hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talin, Feb 2, 2015.

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  1. Talin

    Talin New Member

    I'll try to explain my thoughts, though I can't really formulate my thoughts well or remember a lot of the stuff that happened, all I can think about is whats on my mind right now and my frustration of the matter. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I truly don't want to die, not like there's an option for me.

    So yeah,

    Growing up I had social anxiety badly, had a few friends, but spent most of my time inside playing video games. Parents divorced, two families, treated like I was a lesser person in both of them. I've gone through episodes of severe depression, thoughts where I couldn't control my mind and thought I was crazy, I had no ability and no confidence to function.

    This was my life until about 8 months ago, it took a couple years of constant thought, frustration and desire for a solution that I built up my ability to overcome all of my paranoid negative thoughts, and actually create my own functioning life.

    This past semester is when I actually got concrete results though, not just thoughts in my head of “I can do this.” “I'm intelligent and capable” in order to fight the thoughts that the rest of my life would point to as a losing battle. I finally started having fun with groups of friends. Succeeding in my job, excelling in school (I'm 21 and in college), being creative. I was bantering with the teachers in my classes, making friends, one of my classes I was kicking it with some awesome girls, and even got into an awesome (highly physical) relationship with one of them, and lost my virginity to an awesome girl, in an amazingly awesome way. I never thought anything could ever be and feel that awesome.

    So my question is right when my ability to succeed, that I obtained myself, no amount of psychiatry, talking to people, asking questions, pills etc. helped me at all. Why is it when I know who I am, what I want to do with my life, that I lose it all?

    I like to sing in the car, its a thing that I do, one day a sharp pain occurred in my throat, I didn't know what it is. I would've got it checked out immediately if my father didn't take my off the health insurance a week before in order to save money. And that was a week after I got rear-ended through an intersection. So yeah, that makes sense.

    Long story short, I kept trying to get health insurance in a way that I could keep my old doctors. My dad would get pissed about making a fuss about it and that a lapse in coverage is meaningless, and that I don't need to be spending money on it.

    I finally get my health insurance back up and running, but this happens a month after I'm having severe symptoms(three and a half months after I lost my coverage, they ran through hoops), the pain wasn't going away, my voice keeps breaking, there's feelings of spasms in my throat, and I can't swallow correctly.

    The entire time I didn't know what was wrong, if I did any research about it I would get yelled at and told it's impossible for someone to diagnose themselves. Yet there was no way for me to get diagnosed at the time. So I act like nothings wrong and that there is no pain.

    I go to the doctor.... finally. Theres nothing wrong with my cords. And now all of the doctors are treating me like the problem is mild and it's in my head. It's so blatantly obviously not. Not one of them has given me a straight answer. I've deduced that the problem is a severly strained larynx muscle that never got proper rest, cause I mean, talking is just a thing you do, every day, especially when your having fun with the people around you. And now its so jacked up that I can't talk or swallow properly. Thats not mild.

    So yeah, massively injured(scarred) muscle tissue in my larynx. So bad that swallowing is difficult and so is talking. You never know how messed up things can be when you aren't able to talk correctly. It cuts your mind off from the rest of the world. People think your meek and lame, and treat you as less. And unless you completely can't talk, people don't think anythings wrong with you. I have these symptoms, the speech therapist writes it off as bad technique, no, no, no, no. I tell him I have pain, I tell him I had spasm feeling in my throat which was followed by extreme pain, and breaking of the voice. Why do I have to fight so hard for someone to diagnose me based on the symptoms that I HAVE? Not only the ones that they are choosing to acknowledge? Which is, “some mild irritation on the vocal cords”. That's obviously not what I'm experiencing, and most likely a side effect of my larynx not working properly.

    This has led me to something that I have always understood, and experienced in a mental way (been through psychiatry, 5150, etc.) That not only are people incompetent, that none of them give a shit. And that's scary as hell when your not able to solve this problem yourself, or in my case, be able to solve the problem at all. Though the thing is, I would have been able to act accordingly if I was able to see the ENT doctor when the pain started, cause then I wouldn't have had anxiety about cord damage, and I would've known that I had strain. That's all it would have taken.

    I did my best to figure out what was going on as it was happening, but it was a crazy time in my life. A lot of new things to deal with, my job fell through cause the company screwed all of the workers over, making the managers work 10 hour days, six days a week, covered for 2 hours by an employee, only one person manning the shop at a time, so I had to get a new job. I ended up cutting off my relationship with that girl as well, due to massive anxiety and paranoia about STD's and the ambiguity with them, even though she had got tested. I was obviously still learning how to function properly.

    But yeah, I've had severe symptoms for three months now, not getting better, only getting worse. And that's distressing. Over the course of these months my optimism, positivity, drive, enjoyment of things, has gone. I can't enjoy anything anymore, cause it all reminds me of how I can't go and do those things. You have no idea how essential your voice is to all of life, until you lose it.

    But the thing is, I've finally become capable, and I finally have confidence in my abilities, I can excel, I can achieve. But wait, no, I can't.

    I don't want to die, I want to live. Now I know how enjoyable life is. But it's obvious that I'm already dead, I just have to finish the job. I have to preoccupy myself with sleep, video games, psychiatry pills, anything that will numb my mind so that I can't think. Cause when I do I have anxiety attacks, I've never felt anything this painful, scary and hopeless, all of my previous episodes where childs play. It hurts so much more now that I know what it's like to feel good. My parents don't give a shit, they don't want to listen to how I feel and what I'm dealing with. I'm alone. I don't want to talk to my friends, this problem shouldn't exist, it's so stupid. The human race might have the ability to fix me, but no one will, cause it's not cost-effective, the medical community is fucked up. Nobody listens, its just do these things and maybe something will happen. Based on what diagnosis? What functionally is wrong and how will doing what you said help?

    Everyone enjoys someone when they are doing well and positive. But you can't convey positivity and value when you talk super quiet. People talk over you. If you are not well, if you are not functional, you are thrown out. People like to think they are compassionate, but they are only compassionate when it benefits them, when they get something in return. If you have nothing to give, they throw you out. They act like your the problem when you are upset, scared, angry about your predicament. People are always there for you when you don't need help, but as soon as you do they disappear. Being negative makes people hate you. But I can't be positive anymore, I can't feel positive anymore. I remember the first few days, back when my dreams still were enjoyable, when they were a solace from my reality. I would wake up, and I could physically feel a cold darkness, despair, envelope me. It doesn't go away. Now my dreams are as bad as my reality. Nobody will listen, nobody will care, if you don't get better immediately they throw you out. It's pick and choose compassion. People turn a blind eye to true suffering. They only focus on menial things they relate to. Not to say this is true suffering. I know people have suffered more. I would be willing to suffer more, I would want to suffer more, If I could come out of it as a stronger person, I enjoy that, I enjoy facing fears, but being physically/socially incapable...

    I want to get better, I want to grow, I love challenge, but this isn't challenge, this is death, this is suffering. And I have to say, until you've experienced not having a working voice for 3 months, with no hope of getting better, and you have the mental history that I have, you have no idea.

    I don't know why I'm posting this, why not? I'm going to be dead soon anyways, as soon as I've decided on the best method. <mod edit - methods> I know it's cause I truly don't want to die. But I have to, theres no more living for me. I understand that I don't matter, that I'm pretentious and weak. That other people suffer more. But as me, I can't suffer this way. I would give anything for my voice back. But all of my hope is gone. I don't feel it anymore. I used to, I used to have hope, but then it would turn to despair. Now it's all despair. I know I'm irrelevant, that this will be glanced over. Theres no inherent value to life. I wanted to create value, I wanted to bring positivity. It was meticulous for me to learn to exist, I wanted to get the results that I wanted, and then help others do the same, coming from where I came from. I wanted to do so much. All of things that were me are going to be gone. Forever. I wish dying was easier.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2015
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    So sorry for the pain both physical and mental you are having right now.
    I know that health care is terrible, the system is severely flawed. Please keep looking for help, have you seen an ENT specialist?
    Please try to hang on. You know life can get better.
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