Lost Myself

I guess part of my problem is I have forgotten how to reach out how to connect and talk about how I feel, I have suppressed it for so long that I can even convince myself I am a happy guy, I am more likely to make a quick witted remark or joke about something than actually stop and think about how I feel.

Maybe I feel too old to be feeling this shit, but then 31 really is not any age I am told, I mean I just have not been me, I got told by my friend last night that its felt like I have disappearing within myself for the last two to three months. That something has gone in my eyes, this is the friend who found me last night wandering around London in just jeans and a teeshirt in freezing temperatures, crying my eyes out ready to end it all. I was not even drunk or on drugs or anything like that, something snapped in me yesterday and I could not bear to fail any more at life.

Work has been work, I have struggled and my manager had me in tears Friday, that is another matter I already had a complaint against her rejected so have been trying to get on with things. I cannot blame how I feel now at works door, that might have been the trigger for my inability to get a grip on how I feel.

Right so where do I go from here, well I want to die that is the overwhelming emotion I have had enough chances in life, that is the emotion I am fighting. I have to call doctors 8am to get in same day tomorrow as rang them and first appointment is 16Dec, obviously I cannot hold out that long so tomorrow may be a long day waiting to see someone, just dreading I bottle it.

In the meantime I am just very sad, and confused, and scared I do not really know who I am anymore. I am so so sorry to everyone I let down.

I just don't know who I am any more

 

I am so sorry you are so lost hun it is hard so hard I hear you. If your doctor is not able to fit you in then go talk to someone in hospital ok Talk to oncall doctor there or crisis team there You were triggered yes by work and it took you to a dark place but you can pull out of it with some help. You deserve care and understanding there is no limit on that ok
Keep us updated on how you are doing hugs

 

You're not letting anyone down. Work issues can get to anybody. It's good that you're reaching out for help I don't know how the system works in UK so hope you get the help you need sooner than later.

 

I repeat what others have said. You have not let anyone down. There really is no limit on the number of chances we have in life. We just have to keep up the fight. And when we need help, get it. Right now you need some help. You and I really have a sense of humor in common. We both use it to hide how we feel. But there comes a time when that just doesn't work anymore and we have to reach out for help. I doubt that you have forgotten how to reach out and connect. You just need to extend your hand to someone, ask for help and the ability to talk and share will come rushing back to you.

Please take care o yourself. You are loved here on SF.

 

Thank you to each of you for your replies, I think the worse part is each time I lapse or have issues I hide from it I never ever follow through with the support given professionally and that is why I feel out of chances, I appreciate where you are coming from, I can be very analytical and I realise that I would be saying the same thing to anyone else.

I overuse the word man up or term rather, but I am learning fast that just because I am me, does not mean I cannot tell people in real life my problems, I guess I have issues with people leaving my life, I am a paranoid bag of anxious depressed nerves driven by coffee, I have to look at my life and realise I have one or two really good friends who want to get me through this, most of all I have to let them.

And that is the scariest thing.

Thank you again for your kind words, I promise I am if nothing trying my hardest I really am, I guess something has broken in me and it is time I dealt with it, however long that takes.