Lost, now, then, forever

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Jackie777, May 31, 2016.

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  1. Jackie777

    Jackie777 New Member

    Hi all,

    I'm writing you from work. I have a new job, a shiny new job. I'm middle-aged and have had many new jobs in my life. Exciting! Except..it's not. I already fill the same old feelings. Excluded, overwhelmed, different, rejected...and now I can add old, lol.

    No matter the circumstances...relationships or no relationships, doing well financially or broke, the sadness never leaves..only temporarily then I sink right back into it.

    It follows me like a shadow, ready to torment me and remind me that I shouldn't get too excited about anything. My mind falls back to ground zero, miserable, lonely, confusion, always. Circumstances are not important. They are temporary. My tormented mind is permanent.

    Worse, an eating disorder has me in its grip as does a benzo addiction. Nothing illegal on the latter, btw. I am seeing a new doctor. I won't mention the benzo, not sure if it's allowed, but it's the only thing that has ever given me a little glimpse of what it might be part of the "sane" world. Confident, secure, relaxed. Normal. Not living with a mind trying to torment me.

    I'll stop now, it's getting long. I'm seeing my new doctor next week. We'll try another drug cocktail. And I'll be momentarily hopeful. And then eventually fall back down the rabbit hole to ground zero, yet once again.

    Honestly, friends, it's not self-pity. It's reality.

    Thanks for listening. Helps a little to get this out.

    Peace to all of you.
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum @Jackie777

    I hope the new medications help you.

    What about counselling?
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    "No matter the circumstances...relationships or no relationships, doing well financially or broke, the sadness never leaves..only temporarily then I sink right back into it. "

    While it is of little help to the way you are feeling right now that statement puts you miles and miles ahead of many who refuse to believe the issue is the depression and the anxiety and insist that it is there situation that is the problem. That way of thinking shared by so many makes it impossible to get the only help that actually will be effective - to treat the illness or or disorder that is the true root of the problem.

    On the plus side, addictions are difficult but treatable once acknowledged, as is depression and anxiety. Part of the anxiety now is in fact the addiction, but i am sure you are aware that is how benzos work and why they are really only recommended for very short term/temporary use - they lose effectiveness far too quickly with regular use and the relief they provide at that point is really just getting the drug fix the addiction demands - and that is why it is so short lived. Try to find somebody (counselor/psych) to work with that specializes in dual diagnosis treatment because it is nearly impossible to treat just the depression/anxiety/ED, without first or equally addressing the addiction caused by a Dr that over prescribed and did not help you manage the benzos.

    Take Care and Be Safe
    - Ben
     
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