Hi all, I'm writing you from work. I have a new job, a shiny new job. I'm middle-aged and have had many new jobs in my life. Exciting! Except..it's not. I already fill the same old feelings. Excluded, overwhelmed, different, rejected...and now I can add old, lol. No matter the circumstances...relationships or no relationships, doing well financially or broke, the sadness never leaves..only temporarily then I sink right back into it. It follows me like a shadow, ready to torment me and remind me that I shouldn't get too excited about anything. My mind falls back to ground zero, miserable, lonely, confusion, always. Circumstances are not important. They are temporary. My tormented mind is permanent. Worse, an eating disorder has me in its grip as does a benzo addiction. Nothing illegal on the latter, btw. I am seeing a new doctor. I won't mention the benzo, not sure if it's allowed, but it's the only thing that has ever given me a little glimpse of what it might be part of the "sane" world. Confident, secure, relaxed. Normal. Not living with a mind trying to torment me. I'll stop now, it's getting long. I'm seeing my new doctor next week. We'll try another drug cocktail. And I'll be momentarily hopeful. And then eventually fall back down the rabbit hole to ground zero, yet once again. Honestly, friends, it's not self-pity. It's reality. Thanks for listening. Helps a little to get this out. Peace to all of you.