Lost soul

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DrMike, Jan 16, 2015.

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  1. DrMike

    DrMike Member


    I guess I'm here, like a lot of you, because I'm lost and I need to talk to someone, sometimes... someone other than those around me, who I don't want to upset, because I love them dearly and I know what I have to say would upset them, and... for other reasons, for one very good reason at least I can't let people around me see how messed up I really am, I HAVE to hide it.

    My name is Mike BTW, I'm 43, although told I look older (world weary I suppose), and at the moment I sit at home all day pretending to sell things on Ebay and be a single father to my son (who is 9 and the happiest, most caring child you could imagine). I used to have my own retail business, and before that I was a research scientist, I won awards for my research when I was younger, I was called a 'high flyer' and a 'rising star', but that was all a long time ago, now I'm past it and, frankly, no longer the bright, young optimist I once was, life has beaten all that out of me with set back after set back, abuse after abuse. Sorry, I've just read this and it reads like a shed load of misery - you wouldn't think that if you knew me, everyone says I'm 'strong' and 'independent', but it's all a facade, inside I hurt, hurt like hell.

    Sorry, this is not how I wanted to introduce myself at all, sorry, but it's all got to come out, I need to tell someone how I really feel and how hard it is to keep up a front of being 'strong' all the time.

    Okay, having said that I feel a bit better, thank you for bearing with me, maybe I can find people to talk to here, I actually like to help other people, it's one of the few things that makes me feel better about myself and the mess I'm in, so having said all that you'll see a more optimistic Mike on here now... but, maybe you'll know (unlike those around me), how messed up and fragile I really am inside.
  2. Ria0331

    Ria0331 Member

    Welcome Mike. I'm glad you found this forum. I haven't been on here long but I have found comfort and support from others on here. Like you I like to help others si if you need to talk I'm here for support. I'm Maria but I go by Ria on here. It's a nickname I have had my whole life. Anyways welcome.
  3. gsp

    gsp Member

    Hi Mike, welcome. I can understand what you're talking about. I also put on a fa├žade in front of most people in the real world, and they would never guess what I truly feel deep down inside. I hope you come to find that you don't have to hide your feelings here if you don't want to. I'm close to you in age (I'm 40). Feel free to message me whenever you want.
  4. DrMike

    DrMike Member

    Thank you Ria, your offer is appreciated :)
  5. DrMike

    DrMike Member

    Thank you gsp your offer is appreciated too! :)
  6. DrMike

    DrMike Member

    gsp, why do you feel you need to put on a facade, if you don't mind me asking?

    In my case there are three reasons:

    1. Here in the UK it is very unusual for a father to be given custody/residency of a young child, I've had it for my son since his mother walked out on us a few weeks after his second birthday, since then his mother has reappeared and tried to wrest him away from me (despite our son's wishes, he is unsure of his feelings towards his mother, understandably I feel, but I do my best to convince him that she loves him, it's getting harder to keep up the pretense as he's getting older and more observant though :( ). I feel I need to present an armoured front of everything being 'normal' so there is no chink of weakness his mother could use to get in, legally... if you see what I mean?
    2. My son again, I don't want him to know that I'm not always happy and confident, this is also getting harder as he's getting older, he is a very intelligent and sensitive child, and I think he suspects everything is not as I present it... and I tell him "we don't have lies" (how hypocritical is that?)
    3. My parents, in fact my sisters too, I love them, and they're so kind and supportive, but I know they worry about me (especially my mother) and I don't want to add to their problems by unloading on them.

    My friends, like most men, aren't exactly sensitive sorts (lol!) so there is no one there I can talk to, and women, well... I had one long term relationship since my divorce 7 years ago, but she was a manic depressive and I spent all my time trying to support her and not load her with my problems too. She left me last year to go back to her ex-husband (who she used to complain about bitterly), she couldn't even explain why... so I'm rather more comfortable without a partner, than with one right now... am finding it hard to trust again, and doubt I ever will.
  7. gsp

    gsp Member

    Hi Mike,

    I'm glad you asked. :) The reason I put on a facade is simple. I'm currently in a situation where the only people I interact with regularly are my coworkers. Otherwise, I'm unfortunately very socially isolated, and I currently have no real life close friends to speak of. Since I've only held my current job for a few months, I just think it's way too soon to share more private details of my life with them. Some of them don't even know basic facts about me. In the past, when I have worked somewhere for several years, or when I did have good friends, I still held back my true feelings. Like you, I have a hard time trusting people. At the time, I guess I was afraid how they would react to my feelings, and I didn't want to risk jeopardizing my friendship with them in case they reacted negatively. I was afraid I would lead them to think things like, "Wow, that guy has quite a temper. I don't think I want to be friends with him anymore," if I showed them how angry I could get, for example. Of course, the downside of all this was that I never let them get to know the real me. It's something I'm still working on in my own life to this very day.

    In your case (I know you didn't ask, but I hope you don't mind if I offer some thoughts), I've never had any children, so I don't know what I could offer to you that would be helpful. My instincts tell me to be as honest as possible, but your son is still a child, not an adult, so I'm really not sure. Your parents and siblings are adults, however, and I would think they would understand at least some of what you're going through. Maybe you could somehow drop little hints here and there that you're not strong all of the time, that on occasion there are some things you go through in life that you find quite challenging, instead of, as you say, unloading on them all at once. I know, it's still not the whole truth, but it would at least let them know that you are human and that you can have hurt feelings just like anyone else.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum Mike :hug:
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum.. I hope you find comfort on this forum.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hey Mike, welcome to the site. I hope you find support and friendship here. Feel free to inbox me anytime if you ever need to talk.
  11. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Mike. I'm 43 too.
  12. DrMike

    DrMike Member

    Thank you everybody for welcoming me... I do feel welcome here, and I appreciate it :) I hope that I'll get to chat with you all at some point and it's good to actually be able to talk openly with like minded people for once... you're all welcome to talk to me about your issues as well, I'm no expert, but I might know what some things feel like and I'm certainly willing to 'compare notes'.

    GSP I'm sending you a personal message, in reply to your posting here.
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Welcome aboard

    Job wise, are you happy doing what you're doing or do you want to go back into science?
  14. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Hello Mike!

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I can relate to how you feel about "putting a facade"......... i have no children myself but i do have some experience dealing with kids...... i am a former sports coach and during my tenure it was very stressful..... having to maintain this image of a role model despite me being imperfect like any other human being.

    You see yourself as a lost soul....but in you i see a good soul, an honest soul, and something tells me your son will grow up to be an awesome human being because his dad was there for him.

    Personally my relationship with my dad isn't so great...... he wasn't really there for me growing up and he always had this air of invincibility about him (which annoys me) ....... it's like we're from 2 edges of the spectrum......... he's like this alpha-male, over-bearing, arrogant person.......... for once i would appreciate if he could confide in me and be a bit more vulnerable...... that way he'd seem more like a real human being........... and here i am feeling depressed that i am not as "strong" as my dad.............. i apologize, i digress......
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