Lost...(trigger/language warning)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Songie, Mar 23, 2012.

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  1. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if this should be here or loved and lost or let it out...if its in the wrong place i apologize. but...i felt like this was the right one. Because im most certainly uncertain. It took me a while for the betryal to set it. the realization that my whole family fucked me over...the people i fought to protect for years fed me to the wolves. I was taught that family means everything, your family is the one thing you can always count on, they'll always have your back...but i was so wrong. When it came down to it, my own mother let someone rape me daily, beat me, almost kill me on more then one occasion. I would've died there if i hadnt left. I firmly believe this now. i believe he tried to kill me before i could leave, but i got out quicker then they expected.

    I still dont know who to blame for my pain, my nightmares, my flashbacks, my ever constant heartache. I want to blame him, because hes a monster. But i also blame my mother. for allowing it. for nursing my wounds after without a flicker of remorse. he never hit her, never even raised a hand to her. she has no reason to fear him other then what hes done to me. and yet she lies for him. she tells the police i came at him with a baseball bat (which i did, but not just because im crazy, as she claims). she tells the hospitals i dont need a rape kit, im just trying to get some poor boy in jail. because im a *****. But im not. we both know this. But in a small town...who will they believe? Me? a then 17 year old highschool drop out with a crimimal record? or my mother, whos known them all since they were children, some of them she knew their parents before they were born. Now I'm on the other side of the country, as safe as i could ever be with him still not in prison. but i hurt everyday. im afraid everyday. Yesterday i think i may have hallucinated. this has never happened to me before...but i feel its a sign that im slipping.


    After i got away, 2 years ago, everything was so wonderful. i had about 6 months of pure bliss. i still had nightmares, but how good my life was going made them more bearable. I was pregnant, with the love of my life's baby. And then he died. and then i dont remember what happened next. I get brief flashes of memory for 5-6 months after that. I remember staring at the walls for hours, trying as hard as i could to just make my mind blank, see if i could shut it down. and i did. and now i dont remember. and that bothers me. But i havent recovered. i thought i would get better and i havent. the flashbacks and nightmares are unbearable. mixtures of rape, abuse and small children crying for me, asking me why i couldnt save them. i dont know what to do anymore. Im so lost. My family...i'll never understand it. it tortures me, day in and day out, to know that they could betray me so fully. so completely. so much that i can never go home. and no matter what they did, i miss them. not the way they are now, but the way we used to be. the love, the hugs.


    im so alone now. the few friends i have...well, i had 4 that i care to mention besides my husband. one is at college, we cant talk much. 2 disappeared. and the 4th...hes..there. but hes made it very clear he cant deal with my issues. i understand though. he has his own problems. But now...I have no one. My husband loves me more then anything but it tears him apart to know he cant make me truly truly happy. im happier with him then i've ever been. but im so alone. and i feel like i cant talk to him about it without him feeling like i feel bad due to some HUGE failure on his part...im lost.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry how awful things were for you...unfortunately, many cannot close their minds and not have the abuse affect them...and the grief of losing a husband complicating that...I hope you have considered talking to a professional...you deserve a better life, and beyond being safe, which was so critical, to feel well
     
  3. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Thank you <3 ive considered help...i just cant seem to find it. the only counceling i can find here is a drop-in type deal. and i cant see myself even being able to explain my problems in a 1 hour session...and then to come back the next time and see a different councelor who i'd have to re-explain the whole thing to...idk it just doesnt seem like a very good system for the issues i have.
     
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