lost what I need to survive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarkitty, Jan 2, 2007.

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  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I've lost 2 things - the will to fight, and the faith that my bipolar will get better. I need both of those to survive this illness. Otherwise I'll just lay down and die. Which is what I'm willing to do at this point. Right now, If I were knocked down onto a railroad track with a train coming, I wouldn't care about getting back up.

    I feel defeated. I'm told that my life will always be an uphill battle, that I'll probably always have suicidal thoughts, that what comes so easy to everyone else will be a lot harder for me. Why should I even bother?? So that it will get a little better? Am I supposed to just accept that my life will be a daily struggle until I die??

    Everyone has always told me that medicine and therapy will allow me to live a normal life. So far that hasn't been the case. So is this the first time someone actually told me the truth?? I really wanted someone to convince me that it was possible for me to live a normal life. Not that it wasn't. :sad:
  2. Maxii..

    Maxii.. Well-Known Member

    first of all.. you're posting on a forum.. which means you're still breathing.. and that your heart is still beating.. so you haven't lost what you need to survive.. ok?
    your life might suck.. you might feel hopeless.. but you're human.. (at least you're a bird with a computer.. i don't think so..) and human's brain forgets pain.. human's brain forgets how everything sucks.. and in some way.. you just get used to it.. i live in a third world country where 1 dollar costs $3 (pesos..) and you get used to it..
    because you are alive.. and you have to get used to it..
    just hung on.. something good might happen sometime..

    good luck..
  3. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Breathing and a heartbeat aren't enough. What I was saying is that my quality of life is gone. I can't forget the pain because it's NEVER gone. Your brain may be able to forget it but mine doesn't. It's a physical illness that will never go away.

    I live with financial difficulties myself, so I know about that. It's one thing to have to get used to the financial cost of living, quite another to get used to being in pain all the time. And just so you know, I have financial problems too, but that's not what's causing my problems.

    I have a problem with someone telling me to get used to it. :mad: I don't WANT to have to get used to it. I SHOULDN'T have to. If this illness is so treatable, howcome I can't be treated?? :mad:

    Yeah, I'm sure something good will happen. I'm not saying there isn't any good in my life. My problem is that the bad always returns.

    I feel like what you were really saying was "hey, other people's problems are worse, so just suck it up and stop whining". I've been told that TOO MANY TIMES in my life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2007
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I agree that there is no way in hell you should just live with this and suck it up. I also absolutely HATE IT if I am told to stop whining and deal with my problems, they can never realize the pain I go through. I myself am suffering just from depression, not bipolar disorder, but I myself feel I will suffer with it forever because I was raised wrong and am so inferior to everyone else my age for instance. I really have basically no knowledge of bipolar disorder so there's not much I can say to maybe help you?
    All I know is this is not something you should just accept.
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Oh kitty I'm so sorry how you're feeling and I know exactly that feeling,despite people saying it get's better I say I don't think so because I know it won't.Sadly this is the truth and we can only do our best,I'm always here for u.
  6. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. It helps to know people understand.

    I'm putting in a call to my counselling center to try to get some help. All of my usual stuff got cancelled this week, and normally I don't like to go to a therapist I don't know and pour out my problems (it takes a while for me to open up to them), but I'm really scared that if I don't see someone soon, that I won't make it. It's getting that bad. :sad:
  7. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Kitty please see someone asap or I will call them,I know how much pain you're in and you're suffering so much but please call someone and I'm alway's here to.
  8. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I will ace. I know I need help.
  9. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    As I stated before, I have no experience myself with bipolar and thus little knowledge of the disease. But I know that there are many many that suffer from it, you are FAR from alone in your struggle. I'm sure there must be a lot of help available and I hope you have muster the strength to seek it and I hope it can help you.

    In fact, I remember when I shortly visited a group made up of mostly bipolar people, the leader was a 26 year old man who said he suffered a lot from bipolar but recently was doing extremely well, had married and had a child, he seemed to me to be in a very good state.
  10. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    And I know you're doing the best you can and trying so hard,but what this wretched horrible disease does to you is so hard to control.
  11. Maxii..

    Maxii.. Well-Known Member

    i hate it myself.. but i've learned that at some point.. people are so fucked up that they'll never be able to be who they used to be.. and there's nothing you can do about it.. you just have to deal with it: sometimes you can't deal with it..

    i didn't ment to anoy anyone.. that's a sucky view of the world.. the last thing i want to do is surrender..but.. that's why we're suicidal aren't we?.. 'cause we can't stand being forced to surrender..

    bye .
  12. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Maxii because someone doesn't live in a third world country and appear to have all the material thing's and seem like they're good on the outside doesn't mean they aren't suffering.We know people in third world countries suffer so much but I'm sick of people making judgement's on other's because they see depression as like something you get over like that.
    Unless you've been there or are suffering it you don't know what this sickening disease does to you.Kitty is in real pain like most on here,now I don't know if you suffer from depression or not but in her case she has bi polar and i have it to so it's not just a simple case of you're still alive be grateful.
    Because if we can just switch off with thing's like that we would,I'm very sorry you do suffer as you say that you live in a third world country but I'm just letting you know we are grateful for the thing's we have but we're suffering as much as anyone.Sorry if you feel offended just my five cents,I don't live in a third world country but if all the material thing's etc could make me happy etc they would but it doesn't mean I'm not in pain or anguish.
  13. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I imagine that you didn't mean to annoy anyone maxii... but I can tell you that there are a lot of people out there that don't like to be told to "get used to it" or "just deal with it". I'm one of those people.

    I grew up being abused; I have bipolar. And all my life people have told me those same things for one reason or another. Get over it. Deal with it. When someone says that to me, it's very triggering and I instantly respond with intense anger.

    Many also don't like to be made to think that their problems aren't as bad as others. Everyone's different and in different circumstances, but the pain is as real for each of them.

    As for being who I used to be, I don't know who that is. I honestly can't remember far enough back in my life to a time when I wasn't in this kind of pain. I know a little about who I want to be, and unfortunately it will be difficult, if not impossible, for me to become her.

    No. I don't want to surrender. But I've fought this battle for 18 long years, and I'm very tired of the fight. I'm afraid that I may be throwing the white flag up sooner than later.

    I'm actually trying to save my life by posting here.
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