Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alexis Hennen, Sep 27, 2013.

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  1. Alexis Hennen

    Alexis Hennen Member

    i dont know why im here... i thought i wanted help, but in tired of asking for help nothing ever changes. im just want out. my life never will get better. i think i just wanted someone to know that im finaly actualy going threw with my plans. so to hell with this world im done.
  2. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I believe that hope is the driving force that pushes us to continue. Hope for the future. Hope for change. Hope for things to finally get better. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Hope is a powerful force deep seeded within all of us beings. Without that hope for the future, for the change, for things to finally get better, nothing would ever be accomplished in the entire existence of mankind. There definitely is a section of the brain designated for hope. Technically, scientifically, hope is very real. As real as every thought process that motivates us and pushes us to conduct an action. The interesting part is the fact that the section for hope in our brains is only the size of a thumbnail. Doesn't sound like a whole lot of hope does it?

    But when has anything in this universe mattered when it comes down to size. Even a deadly organism that cannot be seen with the naked eye can bring a species to it's knees through plague. Size matters not when there is a driven purpose. Sadly, the individual struggles to find a purpose in their lives which creates an incredible burden of stress and despair accompanied by the feelings of a meaningless existence. Somehow we must find a purpose, a desire.

    You are not alone. It is hard to continue when we face this world alone. As humans, we are born and bred as social creatures. We need that connection in some form or another to obtain a healthy thought process. The isolation of society has become a wayward struggle and challenge to endure. Almost as if mankind has lost a way of being and a way of thinking as everything has become disconnected in society. Once upon a time we lived in small tribes where it was believed it takes a village to raise a child. Where everyone had a purpose, an expertise, and when problems arose, that village would come together as one to help and solve the issues at hand. As the evolution of giant cities began to produce an abundance, we have seemingly lost touch with our previous nature. But there is hope.

    I hope you understand that I care. I really do. I wouldn't have typed this out if I didn't. I don't know if it at all helps, but I hope you understand, that if you wish, I am willing to respond to everything you have to say to the best of my abilities to assure you that you are not alone. Even I struggle to maintain the motivation to continue an existence in this world.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Alexis I think you came here because you do want help hun you don't want to leave you just want someone to listen to care. I care hun so do others here so please keep talking to us ok You cannot see in the future hun so who knows what the next day will bring you really. Stay here talk to us ok meet new friends You are not alone now hugs
  4. Alexis Hennen

    Alexis Hennen Member

    i have nothing to stay on this planet for. my family has completly rejected me, my fiance has recently attempted Suicide for the hundred tine in five years and i cant stand the pain of waiting for the phone call, i have been evicted from my apartment and have no money or anyplace to go. i have nothing not even hope.
  5. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    It's discouraging and heartbreaking to hear about families that portray that apathy and rejection. Families and loved ones are supposed to support, encourage, and love one another because, sadly, no one else is usually going to in this world. The human condition seems to be generated on love. An act of love is what motivates us to come together and produce another being born into this world. It's widely known that if you only give an infant what it needs to survive, but deprive it of love and affection, it will simply die. A correlation that can be observed even in the animal kingdom with examples of schools of fish, or even the determination and defense a female animal will have over it's young ones. That natural innate instinct of love and protection a mother is supposed to have for their children.

    That is quite the situation you have to be around with your fiancé. A situation that obviously exacerbates the emotional condition you are seeking to change. That cannot be easy to have to endure. I struggle myself to find any words of support and wisdom with such an obstacle. It brings on the emotional distress that brings me to so greatly wish there was a clear path to that desperate desire for change you seek.

    I am also currently enduring the process of losing my apartment and all the stuff that inhabits it as well without any type of money or savings. I was given, as of recently, the notion that one must take a step back before moving forward. A hard, yet somewhat hopeful way of looking at a survival situation. I once read a quote that somewhat explains that the universe gives the greatest challenges to its strongest soldiers. Something else that lends just a sliver of hope and desire to fight through it as there seems to be a universal understanding that; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sadly, not even inspiring quotes and words of wisdom will ever change our situations in the slightest. At least not in the sense of immediate gratification.

    I was curious if there is anything at all, anything, that you love and desire? Be it as simple as watching a movie, television show, card game, a pet, an ornament. Perhaps a dream of something you've always wanted or to become? Those dreams sometimes give a sense of purpose and slight motivation to some, however; it's so much harder when those aspirations are completely absent all together. I suppose some are lucky enough to even have a dream while others find emptiness. Not even I have much of a dream other than a desire to do physical labor which is a bit discouraging.

    I know it's hard, but I was wondering; can you express what you feel deep down in your heart in regards to a positive desire? A dream? A specific outcome or path that would take all the negative emotion away? Maybe if you were able to relieve the stress of your fiancé so his direction and new found ambition caused by you alone could turn into a motivating substance for you yourself?
  6. Alexis Hennen

    Alexis Hennen Member

    i used to dream....... but now there is nothing. nothing to hold on too..... I'm sitting here in this cafe waiting for the owner to kick me out. after that I guess its my que....
  7. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    That is absolutely heartbreaking to hear. Will you still have a connection to the internet if you have to leave the café? Is it your phone, laptop, or their wifi connection?

    I am curious still. What was that dream that used to be there?
  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hi. idk how the times work 'cause it's 4am here. but it says you posted last at 2am.
    but it says you're online. or are you? you still at the cafe?
  9. Alexis Hennen

    Alexis Hennen Member

    time to go... thanks for listening, don't feel bad for me this is what I want...
  10. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    Are you sure?
  11. Alexis Hennen

    Alexis Hennen Member

    my dream was to be a real woman. I'm transgender and can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with any of my life anymore.... am I sure this is what I want? yes I am.
  12. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I remember reading a long time ago that is an actually more common issue than it seems. The trait being a physical chemistry of the brain just as the desire for specific sexual orientation. The way female and male brain differentiate and fluctuate. Something that is completely designated upon birth in regards to the brain make-up without much of a choice involved at all.

    But other than that; there has to be a deeper dream of something you wished to do and loved to do. A type of work, passion, or purpose you must have desired at one point. Perhaps a theoretical list of accomplishments that you desired to pursue?

    Maybe something you will miss most of all ultimately if you were gone forever?

    Dealing with life in general has always left a significant amount of people with a bad hand. It's quite the journey to have to endure and survive as we are molded by our sufferings the greatest. Supposedly we all would, if we do, come out the other end much wiser and adaptive accomplishing what seemed to be the nearly impossible.

    There is one thing for sure; your desire to reach out to these internet forums proves at least a little there is some effort you are willing to partake in to create an emotional stability once and for all. Believe me, growing up myself in broke conditions, if I had the amount of wealth and capabilities that successful people seem to have, I would attempt to help those out who asked for just a chance.

    We live a cruel world it seems where the majority do not care. Perhaps you can realize that even with the apathy and evil in the world, there are those that care that are out there. The good in the world just seem to be cowardly and afraid as opposed to the boldness and determination of the evil.
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