lost in my own mind, Have been searching for me my whole life. I look in the mirror and see a person I don’t know. She is a very beautiful ugly person is all I know. She has never been touched by a loving hand, As she chose a man with no emotions, I have enough for the both of us. Theses days she is hold up in her own little room. She wakes up feeling happiness, turns up the music and dances a dance. There is joy and optimism in her heart. She puts her hand on the door knob, hesitates to turn it, She knows what is on the other side. She looks around her safe room one last time, takes a deep breath and prepares for the battle. She opens the door. It hits her all at once, almost knocking her down. She is very strong, nothing can do her in but herself. She has been fighting since day one, so she knows the drill. Mouth shut, do what your told, hide her away and precede to fuck up another beautiful day. So that is what she dose. She ends her day back in her room all by herself, sitting in her corner, tears running down her face. She has her hand on the cold wall , it reminds her that this is all real. She knows she died a long time ago, but the pain keeps her alive. She sits and ponders who tortured her first , was it them or was it her. She thinks for a while, takes a vote , just as she thought, it was her all along. What worthless human being she turned out to be, if she was something else , something better , he , them and they would have all loved her. She has spent her life pushing and holding on for dear life all at once. 46 years of being a daughter, sister, wife , mom and the best person she knew how to be. She sits in her corner where she feels safe, the cold wall gives her comfort. There is no one left to rescue her now, she smiles , Job well done. Tears…. She swallows the sadness , loneliness , hate and fear followed by a few pills and a cold drink of water. She looks at the bottles, touches them, wonders how much more she can take . Her eyes close , No one hears her cries.