Lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FMyLife, Oct 17, 2014.

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  1. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    As I have been making my way through the past few weeks it has dawned on me what a toxic person I am. I scared the living shit out of people I care about simply because I can’t handle it. I really don’t know how else to word that. Yeah I am struggling. It’s no lie. I spend each day trying to amuse myself with whatever I can, as well as just trying to be a compassionate human being, and I find myself ust really hating the idea of being here. I really do. People schooling me on how med changes affect a person and I’m sorry, that’s kind of annoying. I’ve been bipolar for…oh 8 years now? I know what med changes do. I’ve been fucked up mentally since my last attempt. I’ve been pretty much medicated on shit that doesn’t work. I have a doctor that’s an asshole and in the meantime to help myself, I spend my time helping people here. Helping people through their issues when deep down inside I feel like a hypocrite for planning exactly what I am telling them not to do. So what do I do? I buy alcohol, and spent and evening wreaking havoc and scaring people that I generally help out. Why? Because I can’t do this. I can’t handle it.

    My day generally consists of the same monotonous stupidity that entails the healthcare field, which is a field im generally pissed off at do to the fact that I am “over-reacting” to quote my psych. I have been open and honest about my struggles only to be told to wait it out and dammit I don’t want to wait it out. I don’t want to come home and wonder what kind of fucked up shit I am going to do simply because my head says so. The voices I hear when I walk by groups that provoke a sense of inadequacy with my job, my life, my sense of person and the sound of my inner monologue wanting me to end it all. Day after day I am plagued with my minds desire to end all that is what makes me. And I am ready to give in. Fighting hurts and brings me to such physical pain dealing with the paranoia and everything else that comes with this fucking illness. The sense of hopelessness that I feel when my actions cause disappointment to the people I care about most. I’m a fuck up. A ruiner. My life is based to ruin others. To bring others down. A fucking burden. A destroyer of others….

    That being said, what is the point? Why do I need to stay? Why should I keep fighting? I feeling like it’s only getting worse and I am at a loss on how to cope with it. I can’t go to the hospital as I will likely get turned away. Should I SH to prove Im serious? Should I attempt so they know its real? I honestly don’t’ know what to do to show this isn’t over-reaction, that the things I feel and hear are real. To prove that I truly am crazy…
     
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hey, I hear you and I am scared too, I think that why i come in here, I'm not Bipolar but I think I'm doing the same thing you are, or trying to but I don't have the experiences you do, I am not on meds.......yet so I have no clue what happens. Jeez I'm almost clueless to a lot that goes on in here, but I am here and I am trying. I saw a young kid in here and that really scares me and lets me know how uneducated I am. but like I said I am here trying. I hope you keep trying and don't give up. to me that's the point. I hope I am making sense.
     
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey Liam, so sorry you are feeling so badly. Especially since it is your birthday. I can't say I understand what its like to be bipolar, or to hear voices. I have not experienced that, but it must be horrible. The only voices I hear are those I create myself, telling me what scum I am, what a failure I am. But I do understand hating being here. I have never taken care of myself and thought I would be dead years ago. Surprise! I am still here! And I hate it. I, too, feel like a failure and disappointment to others. Mostly a disappointment to myself. I think of all the hopes and dreams my parents must have had for me, and how I have failed. I have tried the meds, and found them to be useless. So while I do not understand what it is like to be bipolar, I do understand what it is like to be miserable and want to leave this world.

    But I stay with it, continue to struggle, and cling to those few moments of enjoyment that occur. Those moments are far and few, especially since losing my job. One of the things I cling to is SF and chat. Whenever I sign in, I check and see who is out there before I join the crowd. You are one of the people I most like to see. I like the fact the you are willing to both support others, and share your turmoils. I hope you will not SH or attempt. If you do, that does not mean you are crazy. It just means you are in a crappy place. One that our health care system seems ineffective at dealing with.

    And I think we are both guilty of doing things to ourselves that make the situation worse. You drink. I eat. Boy do I eat. Have been fat since I was a kid and learned to hate myself because of it. But only time I don't eat is when I am asleep. Then I probably still dream about eating. Maybe if we try and stop doing some of the things we are know making matters worse, it will get just a little bit better. Lets both try. And PM me any time. You are a good person Liam. Give yourself some more time.

    :dancing_flower2:
     
  4. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    I've been trying to give myself time, trying to fight it off. Hell Ive been snotty as fuck lately trying to fight everything off. And I think I have done an okay job. I haven't attempted, and I haven't SH'ed. I want to. Oh my GOD do I want to. I want to destroy it all. I want to cater to the insanity. I want to just let the thoughts take over and do their thing. I'm not going to. But that is how I feel.
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Laim, I am proud of you for continuing the fight. For not self harming. For not destroying it all or catering to the insanity. For not letting the thoughts take over. I hope you are proud of yourself too.
     
  6. Chris4RLS

    Chris4RLS New Member

    I am right there with you. I have ruined my life and others with my poor choices. I have lost everything and am tired of crying, feeling anxious, and hopeless. It needs to end and I don't know any other way to make it end.
     
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