lost

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by starlight2006, Mar 20, 2007.

  1. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    Hey

    I haven't posted for a while. Have actually been doing really good. Uni has been hard work, but i've started to have more belief in myself. I've even started to think about doing medicine after i finish this degree. It's gona take alot of work to get ready for if i do it, coz i need to get work experience and do other things to demonstrate id be good at it. As well as that i was more determined about going to the gym. Losing weight and jus generally feeling better. Eating better too.

    But rite now my postivity has gone and im feeling lost. It all started last week really. I somehow managed to get myself into the middle of a situation between my ex and one of her friends on the net. they had fallen out, and somehow i managed to end up inthe middle. I found it hard to be objective because some of the things that her friend had said were exactly the things i had felt. But some of the things weren't true in their situation, or they hadnt been described properly if that makes sense.

    I was strong tho, and tried to talk to them both. Its taken a week but i think they are getting on better now. But its kind of been at my expense. Ive had things go on during this time, tho not major, i jus couldnt deal with it all.

    The friend still talks to me and thats good. (Im scared that she will see this and then stop talking to me, which wouldnt be a good thing, but i need to get things out). But she is always bad and im running out of things to say. I dont want to ignore her or anything like that. I jus dont know wat to do. Last nite she contradicted herself. Said that she realy wanted to hurt herself. I told her how no one wanted her to die and that if she did she wud hurt alot f people. But she told me not to guilt trip her. 5 mins later she said did i want her to be happy. it prob doesnt seem much, but its a contradiction really, well to me. im a complicated person.

    And now im rambling on. This isnt the main reason im writing here. Im sorry if im boring you.

    Atm, Im tired, hurting, down. Im scared its gona set in again. My ex has done things to hurt me. And i did so well ignoring it while i was helping her with this, but then it all came out and now i can seem to be happy again. The other day she was really bad, and i phoned her. but she didnt want to talk and hung up on me. I even begged her to answer. But she didnt. Jus sed she coudnt talk. Her friend from abroad asked her to ring him, and she did. he begged her and she coudlnt jump high enough so to speak. What made it worse was that this was after she told me she wanted to be on her own. I was doing everything i could to help her, trying so hard. Then she sed she wanted to be alone. But she rang him. complicated i know. im sorry.

    She treats me so different to her other friends. Im always there for her, but she never asks if im ok. She doesnt no anything about me anymore. But she could tell you alot about her other friends. If I say how i feel about this, she always tells me off because im not one to jus say something. I like to be asked, to know if ppl are really interested. But its always my fault. But she is always interested enough in others to ask herself. I jus cant understand it.

    Also, she has stayed up all nite before talking to other people. Being there for them. but its never happened with me. Maybe im jus being petty, i dont know.

    Something else im finding really difficult is that she never wanted the commitment of moving to be with me. Saying she wanted to travelling and stuff. And also that money was an issue. But last month she got a loan over 4 years and bought a car. So now she is commited to that. It hurts that she couldnt commit to me but can to car and also that she couldnt get a loan to move with me to solve the money issue. But at the moment her car figures alot in her life and she tells me things about it. And even if she doesnt i think about it. She is texting me now saying how she is going to pick her parents up. I jus dont know how to stop it hurting. Im jus being stupid. And i know if she reads this im gona be screwed. She'll be mad at me. But i need to get it out.

    It been pretty much 6 months since we split, but its been a difficult time since. The other day we actually felt close again, but now i let my feelings out i cant put them back.

    Had a shit morning too. Was in a practical doing an experiment that we had to design. I got the role of 'director' - basicaly reading the method, making sure everything was rite and recording results and setting out wat we were doing. But no one was listening to me. It was so frustrating. This one guy thought he knew everything. And just got pissed at my suggestions even tho i know they were rite. Screwed my day rite up.

    Im sorry, im jus being stupid. you shud jus ignore me. Shud have written this at the top, then u wudnt have wasted 10mins reading this crap.

    Im sorry
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2007
  2. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    I guess i bored you with the title
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I was not bored with the title nor with what you wrote. I was glad to hear you had been doing better, but then read on. Being in the middle is no fun. I am glad you got that somewhated sorted out. What you need to do now is take some time for yourself and assess the situation. Figure out what it is you need to do to get back to where you can feel good about things again. You are welcome to stay here with us and let us support you while you do just that. I hope your days since you posted this have been better. Take care. :hug:
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow a lot has happened. Sometimes people do not know what they want. Sounds to me like you are her punching bag. She keeps you around to make you suffer. As hard as it may be you should just stop being a par t of her life. I do not know what else to say.
     
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Sorry :hug: