I don't really know where to start, but I just feel so lost. I wake up each day with every effort to have a positive outlook upon things, but it doesn't seem to be working. I haven't spoken to anybody about this. It feels easier to be completely anonymous and to be able to type as opposed to talking. I try so hard to be a happy person on the surface and to seem content just so that nobody will know otherwise. Inwardly however, I feel like I am wasting away. I am beyond crying - it's been a long time since I have cried. It's almost as if I am too numb to cry - if I did it would perhaps be an emotional relief in a way. So much has happened in the past year and a half and I haven't really been able to speak to anybody about any of it. This is partly because I've always kept things to myself and partly because I don't want people knowing these things. And people don't want to know. The middle class society which I live in turns a blind eye. I was abused as a child. I repressed memories of this. However, when I went to university, it all hit me at once. I just felt so overwhelmed. Being raped only heightened such feelings. Still, I kept everything to myself.I just felt so... shit. Two close friends of mine have also passed away in the last year, one died by suicide. There was also a situation with someone else which I can't go into simply because I cannot be 100% sure who is reading this. But that really took a huge mental toll on me. I've been close to completely breaking down a couple of times. It's the summer now and I just feel like a waste of space. I am trying to keep myself really busy so I don't have time to think about anything. But it clearly is not working. I just don't know what to think or do any more. I don't know how to move on. And I feel so bad, because I've got so much going for me. I should be grateful for what I have. And believe me, I am trying, but unfortunately it just isn't happening.