Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by drip_drop, Jun 21, 2008.

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  1. drip_drop

    drip_drop New Member

    I don't really know where to start, but I just feel so lost. I wake up each day with every effort to have a positive outlook upon things, but it doesn't seem to be working.

    I haven't spoken to anybody about this. It feels easier to be completely anonymous and to be able to type as opposed to talking.

    I try so hard to be a happy person on the surface and to seem content just so that nobody will know otherwise. Inwardly however, I feel like I am wasting away. I am beyond crying - it's been a long time since I have cried. It's almost as if I am too numb to cry - if I did it would perhaps be an emotional relief in a way.

    So much has happened in the past year and a half and I haven't really been able to speak to anybody about any of it. This is partly because I've always kept things to myself and partly because I don't want people knowing these things. And people don't want to know. The middle class society which I live in turns a blind eye.

    I was abused as a child. I repressed memories of this. However, when I went to university, it all hit me at once. I just felt so overwhelmed. Being raped only heightened such feelings. Still, I kept everything to myself.I just felt so... shit. Two close friends of mine have also passed away in the last year, one died by suicide. There was also a situation with someone else which I can't go into simply because I cannot be 100% sure who is reading this. But that really took a huge mental toll on me.

    I've been close to completely breaking down a couple of times. It's the summer now and I just feel like a waste of space. I am trying to keep myself really busy so I don't have time to think about anything. But it clearly is not working. I just don't know what to think or do any more. I don't know how to move on. And I feel so bad, because I've got so much going for me. I should be grateful for what I have. And believe me, I am trying, but unfortunately it just isn't happening.
  2. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel about rape but holding everything inside is not the best way to deal with it. When something traumatic happens to you in this life the worst thing to do is ignore it when you talk about it it sometimes feel like a weight is off your chest. I am sorry about your two friends passing away death is apart of life and it is sad to see any loved one go. It is good that you try to keep a positive outlook on life because some people fail to do that such as myself and that only just gets you more lost. I hope things work out for you just know you are not alone and welcome to the forum :) .
  3. subt

    subt Member

    can i ask what kind of feelings you get when you think about the childhood abuse? like is it your fault...or are you disgusted with society.....lack of trust for people?

    i wasnt abused as a kid and i really dont know how it feels...it seems like id feels extremely angry.
  4. drip_drop

    drip_drop New Member

    I don't think I even feel anger to be honest. I think that if I manage to block it out of my mind completely it than perhaps maybe it didn't happen. I feel angry when I hear about other people in a similar situation, but I can't seem to feel angry for myself. I just feel empty.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You know what you might try is to print out your thread and let your mom read it. You have written it, and it seems you have covered alot. If after your mom reads it, And she says nothing then tell her that you want to get help to deal with it. If that doesn't get a positive remark from her. Then take a copy of your thread and go down to your local social services and ask to see a counselor. Don't just sit back and think mom is probably right that I should just hold it in. You need to get it out or it will fester over the years.
    I am sorry but you need help and from what I have read it doesn't sound like she is going to help you. For now keep posting to get the feed back you need to help you get by day by day. We will hold you in our thoughts....:chopper:
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