Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ediante, Jul 28, 2008.

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  1. Ediante

    Ediante New Member

    A little about myself before I state my reasons for being here...:

    I am a 17 year old male who enjoys fantasy such as drawing and writing and is considering suicide. I really have it pretty easy. The only major things that have happened to me as far as outside factors were my dad leaving when I was 13, losing my old house because my mom couldn't afford to live in that neighborhood anymore, and considering my dad being a drunk had gotten us in 200-300k in debt and having to move in with my sister and her boyfriend just to rent a half decent house in a half decent neighborhood and lastly, losing my dogs...

    All considered, I lead a pretty easy life at the moment..... No job, its summer, I sit in my room and play WoW from when I wake up which is usually around 2-3pm until I go to bed around 5-6am on average. A fairly lazy person all around. I've more or less shut myself off from the real world. Even as I type this I will most likely hop back onto my game and drown myself in a loss of productivity and entertainment. I am fortuneate enough to say that I actually had what I think was a true friend, that I have a family who can support me and that without being conceited am a decent looking guy, granted I have a quirky anti-social personality.

    Am I the kid that sits by himself at school during lunch alone or with the "out-crowd"? No, not as of yeat. In fact, most people wouldn't think anything abnormal about me, except I appear shy quiet alot of times. I hang out with "friends" at school who most aren't exactly jocks, but are pretty cool people, but it seems I get more anti-social with each summer though. Am I the kid that gets bullied or picked on? No, but I am definately an easier target than I appear. As far as my social status, the only thing that is wrong is I don't fall in any category at all... Alot of girls have liked me, but I have not had a girl friend in my 17 years. I can make friends, granted I am usually just the kid people like to be seen with and thats it... I had a "friend" call me up just yesterday wanting to know if I wanted to go roll a joint with him, and I asked why the hell he was calling me up in the middle of summer for the first time in 6 months after I gave him my phone number. Up front he told me it was a last resort...

    Quite honestly, most of my problems are... well... with myself. Many people on these forums I am sure, have actual problems and have actual reasons to be upset. Not me. My anguish comes from myself. Whilst my problems may not be evidently there for all to see, my anguish is still very real. I have thought of driving a screw driver through my temple many times before and fading into the comfort of darkness and non-exsistance. I can feel myself being eatin from the inside out... All I feel is a seering, bitter despise and hatred for how patheticly weak I am, how uncaring and horrid I am.

    What I wouldn't give to be the person others could rely on, to be the person they can come to with their problems and I would give a damn and help them... To have a girl in my life who feels the same way as me and who would love me and I could love her, a partner that I could share any part of my life with, if even for a moment... To not hurt inside anymore, to not feel cold, alone and utterly lost. Within the next month, I will go to endure another useless, empty year of school, where I will undoubtedly fail just about every class from a sheer lack of trying or feeling as though it will make a difference for me with all the periods before in my life where I tried to make a difference, to make myself into something I'm not, and I failed every time... But the fact of the matter is, I quite honestly don't believe I deserve any of these things. If I had any motivation or reason to ever finish school, I think it would be so I could get into the army to become a grunt and hope with each passing day that I would get blown up in an explosion.

    People have their "sins".... I don't believe in god myself, and I believe that is partly the reason I cling to this life, as it is a one time only thing... I know I have mine. When I was 12 and my niece was 5, I would toy with her in my room while my parents thought I was playing video games... I never did anything directly sexual, or directly touched her, but it is in no way justified... I should be locked away for what I did, I should die for it. My mom caught me the 3rd or 4th time it had happened and told my dad... The only thing that happened to me was he talked to me and scared the shit out of me. To this day, I do not even know if my parents ever told my sister what I did, I certainly know I am not a strong enough person with the balls to tell her... But what kind of person would do this, or even allow their near crippled mother who works 3rd shift at wal-marts at the age of 52 to provide for them while they sit on their ass all day and play vido games?

    I will not justify this, rectify it or anything of the sort... But I can safely say I am not a child molester, it is not a fetish of mine and it does not turn me on, I am absolutely disgusted with the the mere thought or mention of it and I am totally disgusted with myself. I was just a horny asshole who because of his weakness and lack of moral fiber, most likely has ruined his niece who is now 10 years old, 4'11 and is obese, weighing in at 120-130 pounds... She is now cut off from her friends essentially and she shows everyone utter disrepect... Her mom, my sister, is not a good mother, I know from first hand experiences of living with her. I whole heartedly blame myslef though for her depression... I know she is depressed and feels lost, and I blame myself for that... That is the best explanation I can give to it... Safely to say, I am highly addicted to porn now, I even cyber more or less on my game at night, or ERP(erotic roleplaying), putting it the nice way.

    I feel sorry for myself... yes... I am the only person that knows anything about the truth of myself who will ever will, and I'm okay with that. I don't feel I even deserve my own self pity in all honesty... If I must live out a cold, empty and alone life by myself, I wish to at least do the right thing for my niece... I think I know what I must do, but I wish to check the sanity in this decision... I know I do not feel very sane at the moment, being locked within myself cold and alone. I will live my life out in misery if need be, but I will not put my family through any pain over my loss, this is not in question. I will not make them mourn me when I do not deserve their sorrow. They do not deserve to be the ones left feeling cold and hurt inside at the end of the day and I certainly do not deserve such an easy escape... I ask instead what should I do for my niece... This is my only question. I know some of you have gone through similiar experiences as what I have put my niece through... I am broken at the thought of your pain and suffering, and I am truely sorry for you. I will understand and accept any disgusted post on here...

    This is the first time I have ever talked about any of these feelings... ever. I am typing this through tear soaked eyes right now... Whoever knew you could hate a person so bad, especially when its yourself. I am sorry if my mention of my nieces provokes any painful memories to those of you reading this... I am sorry
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    First of all welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about the issues you are facing. If you are really concerned about your niece, I think your sister needs to be told so she can invest in counseling if your niece needs it. It may also help you to feel better knowing you have done something to help rectify the situation. Work on changing your habits. Your education can make a difference in your future. You write well so that shows me you are fairly intelligent. Try to spend less time gaming and make yourself get out into the world and find work. It is a matter of priorities that you need to adjust. You may also need counseling to deal with what happened to your niece. It had a life altering affect on you too.
  3. hare

    hare Active Member

    guilty secrets such as yours can be a huge burden, especially for that long. it's great that you've at least told someone now how you really feel inside. whether you tell your sister or not, i'm glad that you've at least told us, therefore you told yourself.
    i agree with gentlelady. bit by bit, try to reconnect with the outside world. i can relate to your situation. i often find myself slipping into such things. i had to get rid of my xbox. i'm really, really easily sucked into video games. \
    but it doesn't sound like you're dealing with a lot of turmoil right now, which is good. if you need to sort through some self issues, keep telling people. even if it's just online.
  4. Ediante

    Ediante New Member

    I will tell her then... I do not fear being locked away for it, being ostracized or anything else, but I'm just so terrified of how she is going to react... I know I may well never have another normal conversation with my sister ever again, if at all, but I guess I need to man up and give in to the consequences of my actions. Thank you guys for your time and posts.... I think I will post what happens next, if nothing major happens. I just don't know how I am going to pop this, so I guess the only way to do it is straight forward and plow through it. Best of luck in your lives should I not be able to post here again for whatever circumstance.
  5. hare

    hare Active Member

    that's very brave of you. i wish you the best.
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