lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by subterranean, Feb 7, 2009.

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  1. subterranean

    subterranean Member

    I am feeling really low... and thought I would google for suicide.
    Actually, I wanted to see if there was a forum with great poisonous recipies, so I could get myself out of here. Away from my private hell.

    This has been going on for so many years. Feeling like this. I have lost my lust for life and I feel pretty stuck. I cannot stay and I cannot leave.

    What to do?

    I make music and I paint/draw.. but not even that will lift me up. I used to enjoy being alone and work with my own stuff, but now I have lost the enthusiasm. and I cannot quit. I love art and music.. and women!

    I have two kids.. but one of them has cut me off completly. it has been five months and it feels like five years. the mother does not talk with me either.
    my kids are what's keeping me on this planet. I cannot leave them like that, and yet all I wish is to just disappear.

    what to do?
    I am so stuck
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    1st off I would find out why you and your one kid aren't getting along. You are the adult so you need to find away to mend things between you two. Your ex may have something to do with that. Sometimes when people split up they use the children as pawns to try and manipulate you. You need to hang onto life because they need there dad. You are there confidant..
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello,

    Welcome to the forums.I hope you find the help and support you need here :)

    Have you received any professional help for your depression?!

    Your children need you, please stay for them. :hug:
     
  4. subterranean

    subterranean Member

    we were arguing one day (Father's Day... of all days.. although my kids have not celebrated that all these ten years I have been divorced)

    anyway..
    it all started when I asked her what time she was going to bed. she has lived with her mother since she was 13 and it was her choice, because she hated moving between her parents.
    anyway this particular day she said she wanted to stay at my place.
    she came here and broke down and cried and cried and cried..
    "she had no place to go", she said
    "Her mother was a bitch!" and her boyfriend's mom had told her that they wanted to spend the weekend alone.. i.e without her.


    so I managed to comfort her and get her up on her feet again.. and got her a pizza and then she asked me if I could find her a film that she wanted to see and had been trying to find on the internet.
    I found it and downloaded and then she watched it for an hour and half.
    when the movie was over I asked her (as a parent and what parents normally do) at what time she was going to bed. It was like ten o'clock p.m and I was not saying that she would instantly go to bed. she is 17 and I know she stays up late.


    However... she had told me earlier that she doesn't sleep very well and she is tired (and fed up with school)
    but when I asked her.. she turned around and was like the little girl in The Exorcist movie
    She said it was none of my business
    I told her it was because I am her father

    so we started an argument and we start yelling at eachother
    and I have to hear lots of abusive language et cetera

    finally after a long meaningless quarrelling.. when I try to explain that I am her father and she has to listen to me sometimes and do as I say..
    she says to me: "Father?? It is only my mother who knows who my real father is!!"
    and I just simply lost control and I slapped her face

    then she took her things and left while I was calling her mother.
    when I called again the following day so that we parents could talk about it, her mother refused to speak to me... and I have not seen neither of them since then.
    this was in October
    my daughter will not answer the phone, cellphone, textmessages, emails..

    on monday I will be interrogated by Swedish police
     
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