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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Drekono, Apr 1, 2009.

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  1. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    To be honest i really do not know why i am posting here. I have been recently diagnosed with clinical depression, social phobia and Borderline personality disorder. I am feeling so much recently and i am basically just plain confused all the time. Maybe by typing up some of whats going through my head it will help to sort it out. maybe someone can even relate to what i am feeling.

    Every day is a struggle to get myself out of bed. I never feel the need or the pull to get myself up. I want to just lay there and let the day waste away. When I do get myself out of bed every action is one struggle after another. No matter what it is I have a hard time getting myself to do anything at all. I cannot get myself to read, to draw, to do chores, to exercise, to watch TV, or even to partake in my endless obsessions. I try to get myself to start things but when I try I always get this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach I cannot push past. It is hard to put words to the feeling but, if I had to, I would describe it as a feeling of dread. A feeling of why bother and that I do not really want to do it anyways. Half of the time I give up and I just lay in bed or on the couch trying to sleep. I am always physically and emotionally exhausted. I have a deep sense of being bored all the time. Always needing something to do but not being able to get myself to do anything.

    I always feel hopeless. I use to think I was just a pessimistic person but when it floods every aspect of my life it feels like something more. I am extremely irritable at the smallest of things and when I become angry the mood persists for hours on end. I pull into myself and become extremely cold to those around me.

    I am emotionally void of all pleasurable feelings. I don’t feel joy or happiness. I do not get excited at anything and I do not find anything funny. I do not feel like I am living life, I feel like I am just dealing with life. I am pushing through each miserable day in hopes that I may one day feel joy. Most of the time I feel like a zombie just going through the motions. I find myself completely blank. My face is completely flat. I do not smile or frown. Even my eyes are blank and do not show anything. Sometimes I do not blink for minutes at a time, just a blank stare void of anything at all.

    I absolutely hate being by myself, because that is when the despair hits the hardest, but at the same time I hate being around other people. When I am with other people it is impossible to get my mind to slow down. I can never look at someone in the eyes for more than a second at a time. It is completely nerve wrecking for me, but I feel even more awkward by being unable to look people in the eyes. I am extremely nervous and self conscious. So self conscious about everything I do that is paralyzing and I cannot get myself to take the simplest of actions. So self conscious of what I say that I have to thoroughly think about everything before I say it. I am past the point of being quiet and shy, I am downright silent. When I finally do get myself to say anything my mind goes blank while I am talking. The words come out fast, jumbled, out of order and with entire pieces of sentences missing. I feel like nobody can follow what I am saying or my train of thought. I feel like I always need a story to tell, but I am always to afraid to tell them. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I can never think of anything to say and I feel like my quietness is even more noticeable on the phone.

    I always feel like I am being watched and judged, no matter where I am or who I am with. I am to the point of paranoia. When I overhear conversations I think they are talking about me or I think I can hear them say my name. My heart races so much that it feels like it is my normal pace. My hands are so sweaty all the time it feels awkward to touch them together.

    I am always more worried about what other people want than what I want. I do everything in my power to please everybody around me. I am very agreeative. Agreeative to the point where I feel extremely gullible. At the same time I have strong opinions on things like religion, government, and the judicial system. I see things as very right or wrong with little in between. I need approval and praise from everyone I know and I always take criticism personally. I am extremely defensive no matter how hard I try to stop myself. I do not like trying new things because I am afraid of embarrassment. I am terrified of embarrassing myself. It is even worse than taking criticism. I do not take disappointment well at all. It throws me into a mood swing that lasts for hours. I become extremely agitated and irritable. I close off from the world and become an extremely cold person. I am stubborn as hell and refuse everything pleasurable or comfortable while I am in these moods.

    When I am around other people I feel like I become what they want me to be. I feel like a chameleon that changes to my surroundings. My thoughts change, my actions change, my likes, my dislikes, my facial expressions, even my voice changes. It is all completely involuntary and I do not always realize I am doing it. I myself am emotionally stagnant but when I am with someone else I take on their emotions. It feels like a deep sense of empathy. When someone is sad I am sad, when they are angry I am angry, when they are happy I am happy, when they laugh I laugh, and when they cry I cry. When I am in a group of people it feels like I do not know how to act because I cannot be that many people at once. Unfortunately the emotions are only on the surface and on the inside I still feel empty. Usually I feel manipulative even though I do it involuntarily. I feel like nobody knows who I am because I do not let them in. I do not have friends, only acquaintances. Everything about me that people see is a show. Every aspect of my life is choreographed for the people around me, a clever disguise that hides my true self. The problem is that I do not even know who I really am anymore. I do not know my own likes and dislikes. I do not get pleasure out of doing something well, I get pleasure out of people seeing me do well. This goes for sports, hobbies, school, and everything else in my life. The only thing that gives me joy is when someone is impressed with me, or proud of me, or pleased with me. It is like a little high when someone praises me but at the same time I always feel undeserving. I cannot take a compliment gracefully to save my life.

    My relationships with people are very rough. I have a very hard time trusting people but at the same time I throw myself into relationships all too fast. Very early they become very deep for me even if the feelings are only one sided. Relationships for me are very up and down. I think of someone as being perfect and love them entirely then hate them fully and do not talk to them for hours or days at a time. I often contemplate the difference of being infatuated with someone and being in love with someone. I constantly desire to be with someone else. To relieve this constant ache of loneliness, but at the same time a relationship is the last thing I want because they always end in heartache. I push people away that try to get close, mostly in fear of impending separation. Nothing lasts forever.

    I have serious memory issues. I cannot remember anything from my childhood and I am lucky to remember things from just a year or two ago. Even my short term memory is bad. I am constantly forgetting to do chores or finish doing chores. I will forget I have clothes in the wash or forget to call someone. I feel extremely absent minded. I cannot remember names or faces to save my life.

    I have a serious issue with compulsive spending. Whenever I have money I have a hard time hanging on to it. I spend it on my endless hobbies as fast as I can get it. I also have a problem with binge eating. I am never hungry during the day and I eat very little but at night or when I am alone I get impulses to eat. Its not really that I am hungry, it is more of just an urge to eat. I eat until my stomach hurts usually. I have a problem with reckless driving whenever I am alone in a car. I have been in 5 or 6 accidents and have been pulled over 10 or 11 times. i have abused weed, cigarettes and alcohol for a few years now but have been clean of that junk for a few months now.

    I am a sick masochist, enjoying all physical pain. I have felt this way since before I can remember. When I was little I would get people to give me Indian burns or pound on my hand when I laid it on the table. I would impress people with how much pain I could take and I would relish the attention. When I got older I turned to more self inflicted pain which i now go through great lengths to hide. I would punch walls and doors in an attempt to get my knuckles as black and blue and swollen as possible. I would then clench and unclench my fists trying to intensify the pain in my knuckles. I would punch when I was in fits of anger, but when I was more self loathing I would turn to burning. I have tried putting cigarettes out on my flesh but the ashes leave a mess. I prefer to heat up a metal object and hold it to my skin. As I hold the metal to my flesh I can tell when it hits a third degree burn, because it will no longer immediately hurt. So I will slide the metal across my skin trailing the third degree burn into a second degree burn and then into a first degree burn so I could feel all the levels of pain. The most severe of my self harming is the cutting. I cut when I feel lonely. When the emotional pain is so overwhelming that it physically hurts. It feels like a tightening deep in the back of my chest. My hands start to shake and I can hear my heartbeat. It just hurts so much I thirst for the sting of a cut. When the blade parts the skin I watch as the blood floods the chasms in my flesh. I see the blood flow in streams down my arm and I yearn for more. I feel the urge to go deeper and deeper. I need to go deeper. I need the blood to flow longer.



    i know i've just written a wall of text and i dont honestly think anyone will read all of it. i tried to be vague so i could keep it short but i feel like i could go on for hours with everything i see wrong in my life.
     
  2. valley

    valley Member

    Drekono,
    Was your childhood okay? Some of the things you wrote made me suspect you had a rough childhood. Maybe it's some pain from the past that affects you now.
     
  3. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    Nothing all that horrible. My parents got divorced when i was 4 and it was always just me and my sister going back and forth between the two houses. Complete freedom at my dads and then overbearing strictness at my mothers house. I've always had a rough time with my mother and constantly clashed with her but that is pretty much normal i suppose.
     
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    The words you used, are like ones ive used before. I used to be so caught up with getting attention but at the same time trying to look like that guy that didn't want it. Like wanting to impress whoever happened to be next to me that I felt were important, like a snob.

    But I found my way, Im not the perfect I wanted myself to be but Ive accepted and given myself credit to where I am.

    My advice to you is to stop pretending. Build up your own personality and character. Like pick up an instrument or sport, not for anyone else but for yourself. Do what you enjoy you. After a while you can get used to embarassment because it is a natural feeling and really deep down nobody cares, the only thing they see is the confidence in you. Realize what people see you as, and know that the only way to find love is to not push people away. Learn the tricks of the trade in relationship building; it may seem like a game of luck but a lot of it comes from skills and how to deal. It is all really a game and like a game... life can be won. And yea, easier said than done, but it doesn't mean you should just give up. If your already at your lowest... why give a fuck now? Everyone knows nothing lasts forever or the typical negative thoughts but, just hold your head up high and just let it go. Remember to tell yourself: it is your life, no more hiding who you want to be. And make yourself happy... drown out all the thoughts, worries.
    ngu = never give up

    Also it helps to get therapy or see someone to talk about this so you can let the shit out of you.

    sorry if I misunderstand something about you, feel free to ignore my advice but at least think about it.
     
  5. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    thanks for the reply angelo. i have just started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was involuntarily placed in a mental ward for trying to kill myself about a month ago and it was mandatory to set them up before they would release me. Im 19 and this is the first time i have sought any type of professional help even though these issues have plagued me since before i can remember. They have already tried me on at least 7 or 8 different meds and i guess im still just so pessimistic about therapy and meds.

    I guess a big problem is that i have truly been in love before and loosing it a couple years ago hurt. Ive been in multiple relationships since then but none of them even compared. In the state im in now i really do feel unlovable. im aware i need to focus on myself before i can focus on others but the way i am is such a part of me i cant see past it at this point. Im working hard and trying to be honest in therapy and hopfully some good will come of it. I really am so pessimistic about everything now, even about any hopes of getting better. it is good to hear reassurance though. TY and ill try to take the advice you gave
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2009
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