I don't know were to start, so here it goes. I was told three years ago I was terminal ill, I suffer from heart failure and kidney failure. I always thought people would react different to terminal illness then they do. About a year and a half after I was told the woman who said she was my sole mate told me she could not handle watching me die and asked me to leave. I had a dog I raised from a pup and a step child I had been a father to from age 3 he is now 13. I have filed for disability and been unable to receive it, because of the economy I lost my job and worked under the table for a while to keep what I thought was my family going. As a result I have IRS problems. I now live with my parents, a family I left when I was 16 and had never gone back, I am now 46. They have only visited me in all the place I have lived 7 states twice. I live in a basement room 8 x 10 with one 2 by 3 window in the upper right hand corner, with people who do not understand or appreciate me. My mother can not talk to me with out going through my failures, she has told me I am unloveable and a woman will not keep me, I am not special just different ect. I enjoy cooking BBQing and camping, Here I can not cook or BBQ and no money to camp. I left all I worked for with my ex and my son, no room for it here and it seemed like the right thing to do. Two days ago a friend of mine Josh shot himself and ever since I wonder why I go on, why I do not have the courage to end this life, why I am so weak. I have no money, no future, I will likely never know the touch of a women again in my life and I like pleasing them so, the things I learned over the years that are me are no longer available to me, I am a burden to all that bother with me. I have no heath insurance so emergency rooms are my only available care. I keep searching for a reason to live but come up empty. I guess I am searching for help but I don't know why.