Hmm, I don't usually ask people for help, it's not really in my nature, nor do I like burdening people with my problems, `cause they always end up feeling stupid and insignificant afterwards. But I'm going to try, because I do need help and I've had enough of avoiding it. So.. I am 99.99% sure that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (see the bottom of this thread for a summary of what AvPD is). I've thought this for two years now, and my symptoms have only gotten worse over these past years. I went to the doctor about it, but because of the way I am (don't ask for help, don't talk much, never share my problems) I wasn't fully able to vocalise the issues I currently had and how it was effecting me, and so the doctor made his own conclusions and sent me on my way. Two years on and it has truly effed up my life beyond all recognition. I no longer go outside unless I absolutely have to, I avoid ALL (and I mean ALL) social interaction if I can help it (I don't take calls, I don't answer the front door, I constantly move MSN addresses to get away from people who talk to me too often), I'm too afraid to go out and find work or go out with friends to meet up and socialize. I can't do anything.. I'm literally house-bound and completely alone. I need a job to get money, as I currently live with my mum and older brother, and my mum is constantly at me pressuring me to go and find a job because she can't afford to keep me here. She threatens to take away our cats if I don't do something, she is constantly shouting at me every day to just DO something, and I really really want to, I am sick of being at home bored out of my mind day after day, but I just can't. I can't take that step and go outside and be part of the world. Socializing scares me, the fear of being embarrassed is too strong, not knowing what to say, being embarrassed of the way I look, or the fact that I have no job. I'd love to work in a library or in an office just filing and going about my job independently, but to get there I have to hand out CV's/job applications, have interviews, travel to work every day, deal with co-workers.. I honestly don't think I'd be able to handle it. I began university last September, with a degree in Criminology & Law, but I quit before lessons even began. We had a week of just going in and registering and getting to know other people, and believe it or not, I actually made FRIENDS. They were both like late twenties-early thirties and had kid(s), but they were okay. But then they started talking about going to karaoke nights and going out drinking and that completely freaked me out. Then we got our time table for our lessons and every Thursday I'd have to go in at 9AM and wouldn't get home 'til 10PM.. travelling at night, HUGE fear of mine. So two days later, I quit. Just like that. Made a bunch of excuses about the course not being right for me and it not being in the direction I want to go in and just quit the whole course. That was late September, now it's almost Easter and I've spent sixth months living in some kind of hell where I'm too afraid to go out and get a job, but know that it's what I have to do.. My mum doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me. She came with me to the doctors two years ago when I went, and she put it all down to shyness. And maybe it was, at the time.. but now it's gotten so so much worse. AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) usually begins showing itself in early adulthood (around 18 years of age) and it was a few months before my 18th birthday when I went. The past two years I have gone from happy, friendly, somewhat out-going but avoided it when I could to a total recluse. I haven't seen some of my so called friends in almost a year, the only person I visit is my Dad who lives across the road. The time I spend walking from my place to his is just about the only time I spent outside in the fresh air, and even that I avoid like hell. Aside from this, I have become extremely paranoid over the past few years too. I can't sleep at night without a night light on that lights the whole room, and even then I have to have someone else sleep in the room with me and I often don't actually fall asleep until the sun comes up. I am fearful of people breaking into our home, so I check all windows and doors before I go to method bed methodically; I am constantly fearful that someone is following me or trying to hurt me, so I often run from my Dad's and back when exposed outside on my own, leaving me out of breath and scared. I have a huge fear of being outside on my own at night (as mentioned before) so I always make sure that if I do go out that I am home before it gets dark. Because of my irregular sleeping pattern (falling asleep between 3 and 5 am in summer time and 6 and 8 am in winter due to the later daylight hours) I often don't wake until early afternoon, meaning even if I did manage to get a job I'd never be awake for it. My mum complains about my getting up late and going to bed in the early hours of the morning, but she doesn't understand that I literally cannot go to bed any earlier. I've tried taking sleeping pills but they made me feel 100 x worse than I ever could have without having any sleep at all. I have a huge fear of being on my own, but I know that if I keep going to way I am, that is exactly how I am going to end up. So you see, I just want to get out of this horrible dark rut I am in. I want to do something with my life, but this thing is holding me back. I can't go and get help from a doctor because I've already tried that - and got rejected (the one thing people with AvPD fear most). My mum doesn't believe me, I don't have anyone close by to turn to for help. I'm basically just stuck like this until my family get sick of me and throw me out. Then I won't even have a computer or internet connection to be able to come here for help. I just don't know what to do. x___x And yet, all I can think about whilst typing this is; "What if nobody replies? Why should anyone care about me? What if the thread is too long and they can't be bothered to read it? I can't expect these people to find a solution that just doesn't exist. You should just man up and go outside and talk to someone, you stupid wuss. People do it everyday and they just get on with it, so why can't you? You're just being over-dramatic and making something out of nothing. Leave these people alone so they can help real people with real problems." >_< Summary of AvPD from Wikipedia: (I experience all of the above symptoms possibly aside from agoraphobia. I avoid and fear going outside on my own, but if I'm with someone I'm usually okay. I don't believe it's as bad as actual full on agoraphobia, but then again, I'm not doctor).