lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by contemplative, Jan 29, 2011.

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  1. contemplative

    contemplative Member

    I have a split personality disorder. On one side, I am a great person who is caring, loving, sees the beauty in this world and helps a lot of people with their own Pain. But on the other side Im a monster with sociopathic tendencies to manipulate and lie with the intent of unraveling people's sense of reality. In the past few months, Ive done alot to lok away that monster and be just me. But now I realize that someday, something will trigger him to come out again and all my friends will be a target to his hate. Last night, I ried to attempt ending my life so I could keep him away from the people I care about forever, so I couldnt be trapped inside while he runs free destroying all the good things I made in the past few months.
    I didnt get through with it, or anywhere close. My friends ran all over the building looking for me so they could take me down. They helped me, but now that Im sitting her alone again at night, It's no different. I can't stand this Pain any more, and I cant expect these people to be there for me all the time. I've hurt a lot of people in the past because that evil side was in control, and I will not add to the Pain in this world any further. The Pain caused by my death would be far less than the Pain he could cause should he come out while I'm living. Its a necesarry sacrifice for the greater good. I hate my life for its emptiness, even though it's filled with everyhting i could ever want. Its still void of real happiness. And it has no reason to be.
     
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are really having a tough time of it recently. Have you got any support in terms of therapy, your doctor etc?

    Hope you are ok today

    x
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No you are wrong the pain from your death would be far more excruciating then this other persona. You can keep it away with medication you can still be you okay still have your dreams with medication you can keep the monster at bay. Talk to your doctor get things under control again okay new meds newer ones work great saphris abilify all great meds If you are not stable get in talk to doc and get stable okay. Your death is not necessary to keep the other persona from hurting others only meds are needed
     
  4. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    You don't mention what help you've had to try and deal with this. Please, please try and see that it is not better for you to die. You need to get some help. Be kind to yourself.
     
  5. contemplative

    contemplative Member

    I spent most of my life with the persona, let him take over after my best friend and only true friend at the time betrayed me. It hurt alot, and he was like a rock. Since then, I managed to put him back under and the only help I've gotten is the support of my friends, and the countless hours of thinking I do on my own. Thus my username. I'm afraid to go to a doctor, because then I'd be truly sick. Like a freak or something. No offense to those who do get help, I'm not saying their freaks; just tht I'd feel like I was really messed up. I thought I was normal.
     
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, this won't get any better unless you see a doctor. I assume you haven't gotten diagnosed, so maybe you don't even have what you think you have.
    Maybe you don't have more than one personality and it's merely intense emotion that overtakes you at times or something. You'll never know unless you go.
    Going to the psychiatrist doesn't make you a freak. In fact, with everything that goes on in this shitty world, if you're still able to be "normal",
    THEN there's something wrong with you. On the other hand, people who have a hard time with life are pretty normal in my eyes. Even if you feel
    like the doctor can't help you, at least knowing what you have will help you to better change what you don't like about it. I waited until I was 18 to
    see a therapist thinking I could handle it on my own, but I couldn't, and still can't. I haven't gotten an accurate diagnosis until a few months ago, either.
    I thought all I had was depression when it was actually borderline/avoidant personality disorder. I hadn't noticed these things about myself until I got help.
    And I had no chance in getting better if I didn't even know what I had to fix.
     
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