Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by redarrow, Feb 19, 2011.

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  1. redarrow

    redarrow Member

    So here it goes, my first post.
    I've been a member of this site for two and a half years, but whilst it may seem daft, I've always found it difficult to express my feelings, even online.

    Churchill described depression as his "Little black dog", but right now mine feels more like a great, snarling wolf.
    I know that with time, and work perhaps that wolf would become a little puppy dog, but right now that's really not reassuring me, after all, it will always be following me.

    People have asked me if/why I'm sad, I want to reply; I'm not sad, I'm depressed, sadness is a state of mind, depression a constant condition, I am not, and have never been a pessimist, I am an optimist, but sometimes I struggle to pick out the positive points in my life.
    Of course I don't reply though, I put on my mask to reassure them that I'm fine.

    I suppose I've realised that I'll always be insignificant, and that life will never slow down, everyone I know seems to have boarded that bullet train, but I've been left behind, not even knowing where I'm going.

    I'm hopeless at everything, I don't have any skills or talents, I've not done at all well academically, furthermore the enjoyment seems to be sucked out of everything that I do, like some sort of vacuum in my mind.

    I really can't see myself making 30 or even 25 years of age, and as pathetic and defeatist as that may sound, when I've been this way for so long already, what are the chances of it changing?

    I live a very solitary existance, almost isolated, and sometimes I feel like I really ought to be around other people, like it will help, but when I am, I just want to escape.

    Truthfully though, I think I am disliked by most people because I am cold and emotionless, the only thing left that I'm not numb to is this depression.

    I feel like my brain is wired differently to everyone else, like an alien, everything seems surreal and strange, nothing familiar.

    My mind is like an ongoing war of attrition, and I feel like a prisoner inside it, and I now see life as a meaningless (albeit short) rift between eternity.

    I didn't start this post for sympathy though, I was just hoping that perhaps there was someone (or some people) here that could relate to anything above, and if there are I would really appreciate them sharing their thoughts by replying or messaging me.

  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Been there my friend, as someone who's come out the other side - with only occasional return trips (as it were) I'd be happy to talk via PM or MSN

  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hiya Red. *hug I know how it feels to not be able to express your emotions. Although I have got better at telling people my emotions, I still can't say what I want to. I have hit a very low point in my life, so much so that I cannot see a future even though I have things to look forward to. Although I managed to confide in a member on here which did make me feel better, I don't think I could ever tell anyone else in real life. I feel like I am trapped in my own thoughts and that I cannot find an escape. The good things that I have managed to do though is go and see my GP and I am taking tablets for my depression and I have found a friend who I can talk to, even though I am still not totally honest with her. My friends do know I am going through a rough time and I do have support which are things I managed to do, even though it was difficult. I am always here for you Red, in chat or through PM.
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