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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i keep trying to get through the days but the pain gets so bad it literally drives me to my knees

    i'm so raw i can't keep the tears inside, barely managing to swallow the screams

    i don't know what to do - how to keep moving, breathing

    i'm looking without seeing, hearing without listening, barely coherent

    feel so completely lost and alone

    people keep telling me to reach out - this is the best i can do and i can't stop crying while i post or read
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are doing very well...you usually do not share at all, until you have examined without any doubt that you are safe, and you have taken risks to text me and others...this you can feel very proud of...if you cannot speak to a therapist, do you want to schedule an appointment and I will go with you? I know many therapists who are quite good and with reasonable rates who I can arrange for you to see...I can explain prior to the appointment how you feel about interacting in these contexts and I am sure any of them will allow me there for that session...please let me know, Echo...you are truly cared for here and we want things to be less painful for you...also, remember, whenever I am home, the invitation is open...just let me know you are coming and a big pot of chicken soup will be on the stove...fondly, J
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no therapists - can't do it again

    no pride

    can't face real people any more - couldn't even call

    hardly see the screen through the tears

    doing mindless pointless tasks at work stops me from thinking but once they're done it all comes rushing back - the pain, the failure, the lonliness, the self hatred

    this is what i am and it's not going to get better

    sitting at lunch again, waiting online like i've been every day, every night - waiting for something that will never happen again - how pathetic is that

    better to die than continue like this
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2011
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Do you know what your waiting for, do you know what you want out of life?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2011
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    yes - but i can't say - and i keep waiting even though it will never happen again

    how's that for denial

    my head is a total mess

    been trying to listen to music all day - with nothing to listen to my head spirals out of control - but every song seems to have a lyric that wants to rip my heart in half - i don't know what's worse

    can't work any more - been sitting here unable to focus, perform the simplest tasks

    and my umbrella broke - the end of one rib snapped

    it's just a fucking stupid umbrella and still mostly works but i'm still crying - over a stupid umbrella - it's nothing, i know it's nothing but i can't take it, can't handle it
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2011
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    counting the pills in my kit again - should have the numbers memorized by now

    can feel the container in my pocket - constantly aware of it now - not a single type but should work to either stop my breathing or destroy my mind
     
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    I'm so tired - want to sleep - everything feels so heavy - haven't taken anything - just exhausted

    From crying

    From fighting

    From trying

    And still the tears keep coming - the pain continues

    When is it finally enough? How much longer can I endure thid suffering?
     
  8. shisha

    shisha New Member

    I know those feelings, day in. day out. I look at the new flower in my garden, the text from a friend and i go on one more day. you can do that too. one day at a time, no more than that. tomorrow may be a good day. Think that in your mind. one day at a time. You are so valuable, so precious, remember that xx
     
  9. themadcatter

    themadcatter Member

    you are loved, cared about, dont let this get to you i have faith in you, you can turn your life around!
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Day to day?

    Barely handling minute to minute

    Don't have any value - been shown to me again and again - definitely not precious

    I am nothing
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You do have value, way more than you realize. :hug:
     
  12. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here.
     
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    You're wrong

    It's that simple

    I can't physically talk to anyone any more - this and texting are all I have left and I can do neither without intense pain, without reliving all my failures, without seeing and feeling everything I've lost

    No one wants or needs me unless it's convenient - after that I'm quickly dismissed

    Back on train heading to a job I must keep that doesn't want to keep me and the I've constant that used to give strength, give me hope, who promised they'd be there, is gone - left me with no explanation

    Now I'm dying just a little more every day, constantly crying or fighting not to

    51 - birthday in under 2 weeks but I don't want to make it that far when all I can look forward to is another year of loneliness, failure, worthlessness and pain

    Woke up this morning struggling for breath - something has settled into my lungs - I think this is a sign - my kit is designed to cause anaphylactic shock and disrupt my breathing so it looks like the best fine to use it is almost here, when my breathing will already be severely compromised

    I know what that will feel like, the fight for oxygen - it's terrifying - but I still find it an acceptable alternative to what my "life" has left me with
     
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I don't know what's happened that's hurt you so deeply. All I can say is that not everyone will do that to you, but I know that's hard for you to believe when it's already happened. If you need anything, I'm here, and there are others here for you too.
     
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    call your doc get rid of your kit now and go into emergency and get admitted until you are stable until the sadness has lessened some so you can cope hugs
     
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no doctor - my last one told me he gives up

    no psychs - untrustworthy - not going into the reasons

    no hospitals - worst nightmares of my life (twice) and only make things worse

    no police - not getting put in cuffs and paraded into the er ever again - i will go for their guns first if they try

    i don't want anyone sending people after me - if anyone tries i will find the nearest exit no matter how violent - always have exits in my head for wherever i am

    this is the only outlet i have left - if you threaten me i will have nothing
     
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Nobody's threatening you, we're not taking this away from you. :hug:
     
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm so utterly exhausted by it all

    sick of daring to dream

    sick of being a fool

    no more - dreams are illusions that only hurt you in the end

    i dared to dream, dared to accept hope and now i've lost half my soul
     
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i realize now that i'm too unstable - that people are better off without me in their lives - it makes sense

    nobody's fault but my own

    i'm sorry for any pain or trouble that i've caused

    sorry for intruding in people's lives

    time for me to stop
     
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu are NOT intruding okay you are not well and reaching out for help is needed to get you well I am glad you are reaching out okay keep doing that noone is threatening you we care about you we want to see you safe and doing better You are cared about by many hugs
     
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