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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#1
i keep trying to get through the days but the pain gets so bad it literally drives me to my knees

i'm so raw i can't keep the tears inside, barely managing to swallow the screams

i don't know what to do - how to keep moving, breathing

i'm looking without seeing, hearing without listening, barely coherent

feel so completely lost and alone

people keep telling me to reach out - this is the best i can do and i can't stop crying while i post or read
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#2
You are doing very well...you usually do not share at all, until you have examined without any doubt that you are safe, and you have taken risks to text me and others...this you can feel very proud of...if you cannot speak to a therapist, do you want to schedule an appointment and I will go with you? I know many therapists who are quite good and with reasonable rates who I can arrange for you to see...I can explain prior to the appointment how you feel about interacting in these contexts and I am sure any of them will allow me there for that session...please let me know, Echo...you are truly cared for here and we want things to be less painful for you...also, remember, whenever I am home, the invitation is open...just let me know you are coming and a big pot of chicken soup will be on the stove...fondly, J
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#3
no therapists - can't do it again

no pride

can't face real people any more - couldn't even call

hardly see the screen through the tears

doing mindless pointless tasks at work stops me from thinking but once they're done it all comes rushing back - the pain, the failure, the lonliness, the self hatred

this is what i am and it's not going to get better

sitting at lunch again, waiting online like i've been every day, every night - waiting for something that will never happen again - how pathetic is that

better to die than continue like this
 
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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#5
yes - but i can't say - and i keep waiting even though it will never happen again

how's that for denial

my head is a total mess

been trying to listen to music all day - with nothing to listen to my head spirals out of control - but every song seems to have a lyric that wants to rip my heart in half - i don't know what's worse

can't work any more - been sitting here unable to focus, perform the simplest tasks

and my umbrella broke - the end of one rib snapped

it's just a fucking stupid umbrella and still mostly works but i'm still crying - over a stupid umbrella - it's nothing, i know it's nothing but i can't take it, can't handle it
 
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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#6
counting the pills in my kit again - should have the numbers memorized by now

can feel the container in my pocket - constantly aware of it now - not a single type but should work to either stop my breathing or destroy my mind
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#7
I'm so tired - want to sleep - everything feels so heavy - haven't taken anything - just exhausted

From crying

From fighting

From trying

And still the tears keep coming - the pain continues

When is it finally enough? How much longer can I endure thid suffering?
 
#8
I know those feelings, day in. day out. I look at the new flower in my garden, the text from a friend and i go on one more day. you can do that too. one day at a time, no more than that. tomorrow may be a good day. Think that in your mind. one day at a time. You are so valuable, so precious, remember that xx
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#13
You're wrong

It's that simple

I can't physically talk to anyone any more - this and texting are all I have left and I can do neither without intense pain, without reliving all my failures, without seeing and feeling everything I've lost

No one wants or needs me unless it's convenient - after that I'm quickly dismissed

Back on train heading to a job I must keep that doesn't want to keep me and the I've constant that used to give strength, give me hope, who promised they'd be there, is gone - left me with no explanation

Now I'm dying just a little more every day, constantly crying or fighting not to

51 - birthday in under 2 weeks but I don't want to make it that far when all I can look forward to is another year of loneliness, failure, worthlessness and pain

Woke up this morning struggling for breath - something has settled into my lungs - I think this is a sign - my kit is designed to cause anaphylactic shock and disrupt my breathing so it looks like the best fine to use it is almost here, when my breathing will already be severely compromised

I know what that will feel like, the fight for oxygen - it's terrifying - but I still find it an acceptable alternative to what my "life" has left me with
 

WildCherry

Owner Emeritus
#14
:hug: I don't know what's happened that's hurt you so deeply. All I can say is that not everyone will do that to you, but I know that's hard for you to believe when it's already happened. If you need anything, I'm here, and there are others here for you too.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#15
call your doc get rid of your kit now and go into emergency and get admitted until you are stable until the sadness has lessened some so you can cope hugs
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#16
no doctor - my last one told me he gives up

no psychs - untrustworthy - not going into the reasons

no hospitals - worst nightmares of my life (twice) and only make things worse

no police - not getting put in cuffs and paraded into the er ever again - i will go for their guns first if they try

i don't want anyone sending people after me - if anyone tries i will find the nearest exit no matter how violent - always have exits in my head for wherever i am

this is the only outlet i have left - if you threaten me i will have nothing
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#18
i'm so utterly exhausted by it all

sick of daring to dream

sick of being a fool

no more - dreams are illusions that only hurt you in the end

i dared to dream, dared to accept hope and now i've lost half my soul
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#19
i realize now that i'm too unstable - that people are better off without me in their lives - it makes sense

nobody's fault but my own

i'm sorry for any pain or trouble that i've caused

sorry for intruding in people's lives

time for me to stop
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#20
YOu are NOT intruding okay you are not well and reaching out for help is needed to get you well I am glad you are reaching out okay keep doing that noone is threatening you we care about you we want to see you safe and doing better You are cared about by many hugs
 
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