lost

[beautifulLoser]

I am utterly lost. I've had 'situational depression' twice in my life, due to life shattering circumstances. I don't want to go over them, at least not yet, but both times involved men (shocking), one big-ass betrayal from a long term bf, and now the death of my husband.

As far as I know I don't have any biological depression, but I've had a taste of it. And I'm now being forced to go through it again. I've heard that it's normal for people to become clinically depressed if it goes untreated. I've also heard that widows never fully get over it. I can't live like that.

I'm 25 and I have a 4 year old boy (from my ex) and I'm pregnant with another boy from my husband. So while other expectant mothers are giddy and exited about expanding their families, I'm alone, cold and scared about what's going to happen to me and the kids.

Life has forced me to become one of those "skanky" moms who have kids from two different guys. It wasn't my plan, but society probably won't care about that. I find that a lot of people look down on single moms, especially younger ones like me. I am being forced to be something that I never wanted to be.

It seems to me that life will only ever get worse and worse for me with each year. I get good and bad periods, however the bad periods are longer and stronger.

All my life, I had problems that other people simply were not plagued with. However, even when my ex was being a dick to me, I've still never considered suicide before. I hate myself for considering it, but thinking that it will all probably end soon is basically the only thing that eases my anxiety. I even organised a will and guardians for the boys. I feel as if I am bad for them for being so miserable all the time. And, in a weird way, I'm afraid they're going to catch my horrible luck.

My mum said to me that this will make me stronger. That's great, except I don't see what's so great about being strong. Honestly, I would rather be weak and be rattled by silly little things rather than be strong and recieve enormous trials all the time.

I do feel a little bit better typing it all out. I wanted to post my story so that other people can read this and get some comfort. I hope that other people can read this and realise that it can get worse, or maybe that they're definately not alone.

 

[minion]

"This will make you stronger...."

I'm with you on this. I'd rather be the one to cry at a movie than be a cold-heartless person. Where emotions don't effect me at all.

I'm somewhat also in the same boat as you. I'm 26 and expecting my first child in September. I was dating another man while my divorce was getting settled and soon pregnant. A lot of people around here really frown upon that. That I should have known better. I'm not giddy or excited about the baby, does that make me a bad person. Don't know...I know my feelings will change when he gets here, but until then I did wrong in a lot of people's eyes.

Living with bi-polar, I've seen it all mostly. It's never easy. And it doesn't get better over time..fruck what they all say. Meds don't always work cause it doesn't change how you feel inside.

You're doing okay. Stepping out of your comfort bubble to post is a good step. It lets you know that you're ready to talk to anyone really about this and that you don't want to be alone in this.

 

[me myself and i]

@ BOTH OF THE POSTERS ABOVE.

We can't know how life will "pan" out.
When is the best time to have kids?
I think all of us deep down wanted the fairytale of a bio mum, dad and kids, together forever if you like.................
But sometimes it just doesn't work like that, in fact broken homes or single parents are common place nowdays.
Its not "Skanky", its how it is.
Loving your children and doing the best you can for them..............is all they will ever need.
So, what do we do?
Our best.
We give our children guidence and love, we try to show them positive relationships in the hope they will enjoy them later in life.
Some people think kids mend or keep bad relationships together, i don't.
I see children everyday who have both parents at home in bad relationships, my heart aches for them when they leave me.
My point?
Well, kids just need love, wherever it comes from, doesn't matter, they just need tons.
Oh yeah, and just three other things to stay alive............ food, water and shelter.
So, four things in total.
Not much to give and by doing so, the gifts to ourselves are immense.

Me, myself and i............ shared care of my two beautiful young kids, 42, no family, strange town.
Me, myself and i............Hope too.