Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SomepersonAlex, Aug 2, 2011.

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  1. SomepersonAlex

    SomepersonAlex Active Member

    I am indeed thinking of offing myself. I have already tried once to no avail. I just don't want to be in this world anymore. I feel it has given me all it has to offer so far. Let's start at the beginning. I have been depressed for about 4-5 years. Every since I was about 14. I wasn't exactly the popular type. I got along with everyone but eventually I was always alone. I started becoming a heavy party goer. I would get drunk. I never used to get high, but it helps nowadays. I know it is quite self destructive, and it is self gratification. The big problem is I have no drive. No self worth. I tend to give up before I even tried. Example with college this last year. I started going to all my classes. Was handling it all quite well, had a steady girlfriend of once. I was happy. But things were brooding. And I was too blind to see them at the time. Things went downhill with school, I eventually got suspended for not attending classes. and flunked out. My girlfriend broke up with me for the exact same reason I just mentioned. I have no self worth.

    I was actually going to end it my last year of high school. I became clean, didn't party, lost friends (which was hard) and had to move on. but then I met my girlfriend and we hit it off and I felt I had a reason to live again. But once again my life has hit the low point. I only got to one arm, it will scar very badly. My mom eventually found out. We came to the conclusion I might need help. but things have been looking up. I have been trying to look on the bright side and be happy and positive just like we wanted for ourselves. but I just can't do that forever. At the end of the day I am still super depressed. My next plan of action is either to hold out and hope things get better or. I am taking a trip to boston next week and maybe I can find a xxxx. I have thought a lot about the fact of suicide. It isn't for the attention. The self pity. (or some other third thing haha) I am just so angry all the time at myself mostly. For not fulfilling what could of been a very bright future. I am in so much pain all the time. I am quite good at not showing my true feelings. Not letting things that bother me out. but I dunno I think I just need to talk it out. I defiantly need help, but I am not willing to see a psychiatrist or take meds. or anything like that. I just want it to all go away. I want to go to a mental ward or hospital and just spend my days wallowing away in my pain, doing my art. Alone. As it has been.:sigh:

    I just don't see why I should go on. I have literally nothing going for myself.
  2. Welcome to the forum.. :) :hug:
    Able to get into a therapy session and talk it out with others..? A hospital is a good idea to stay safe..

  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi SomepersonAlex,

    I came to this thread after reading your Welcome post. Just letting you know that people here do read what you write, and I am sorry to hear that you're going through a lot of pain right now. :hugtackles:

    Stay in touch (My PM box is 99.9999% of the time always empty ;)),


    P.S. I am digging marathon-addict's reply above. I look forward to your responses as we get to know you better. :)
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Keep in mind that if you go in the hospital they will only hold you until they think your over the crisis..Then if you give them enough reason they will ship you off to the state hospital..I hear to many stories about that place..
  5. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I read your post and read you loud and clear. One thing that I am happy to read in your post is that you stopped partying. Drinking can often be self medicating and that is not good for people with depression. Booze is a depressant and can only make things worse. If you lost some friends in the process, good! They are not the best influences on you at this point in your life.

    Self worth issues go hand in hand with depression. Please try to get a grip on these issues. No one is perfect and life is a growth process, with a learning curve. You get expelled from school, you can always start fresh.

    Please seek out sound professional help. There are many medications and resouces out there for people like us. This place is one of them. You sound like a young person and have a whole life ahead of you.

    I am not sure of where you are from. If you are in the US and you have insurance please contact a physician. If not call a county assistance agency that deals with mental health. There are groups out there that may be helpful for you to hook up with. Often, counties have programs that will give you free medication and free (or low cost) to a psychiatrist.

    This forum is a great place to be and will give you a lot of encouragement and guidance. Consumers of mental health services are the pros and will lead you in the right direction. Keep up the fight, you are young and have much to offer.

  6. lunalovegood

    lunalovegood Member

    Hi Alex! From one newbie to another, welcome to the forum.

    Do you know much about your local mental health facility? I was admitted to mine around two years ago after my third (or fourth?) failed attempt. My parents did not know what to do with me, so they took me to the emergency room. From there, I was evaluated and placed on a 72-hour observation, which once in the facility was extended to a week.

    If you feel comfortable going, it may be a really good thing for you. All that's expected of you there is sharing (with a group if you want, or just one caring professional) relaxing during the day (I read so many books!) sleeping during the night (they have non-addictive aids if this is an issue for you) and of course, recovering. No school, no fights, no work, just you and your thoughts..and a group of people able to help you if/when those thoughts get dark.
  7. SomepersonAlex

    SomepersonAlex Active Member

    It is definitely nice to hear some kind words. But yeah I really have no idea about my local health facility or whatever. I just like need time away. Someone to talk to. Maybe if they convince me. if meds will help. I will indeed look it up. It is just so hard to stay positive.

    The first attempt i actually dressed the wound myself. It wasn't too deep. But it will scar nonetheless.

    I just need to talk it out but it's hard because I don't like to whine or sound like I am B***ching about myself.
  8. SomepersonAlex

    SomepersonAlex Active Member

    I just don't want it to escalate. I know I might try again.
  9. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Alex - your not bitching. Bitching is when people whine about stuff that is not important.

    You feel like dying - which is about the MOST important thing - a deep and profound thing - that ANY of us can ever feel.

    Keeping it to yourself - of course you feel like your going to explode or shatter. OR - you slow down - shut off from the world - become reclusive.

    IF you stay in for a week and talk to nobody - you will actually feel less able to talk as the brain is out of practice. When we talk - the same chemicals offered as cures in meds are released naturally.

    I know this - I can spot someone who has not spoken to someone for a while - weeks even. I live in an area were that happens - it happens everywhere. So people talk - and after an hour - you see the visible change.

    I'm positive with people - I read alot so know a lot. If I meet someone I'll always know something they know - I can 'bond' be it on reading, some TV - football (I don't go mad on football - but its a male bonding thing) and obviously I can identify with people depressed - because, I'm that way also - not even cured! So - I guess I'll be kicking more ass than the American Army at that time. I'd be a walking Vietnam waiting to happen for any man dumb enough to even think about anything wrong!

    Well - I can dream.

    So anyway - your young - 21 or so? I'm 46 and have hidden my own condition - but since opening up a little here I think I can do that also.

    I don't care anymore about 'bitching' over wanting to die. I'll write songs about it - maybe a book when I'm ready - get it tattooed on my chest and another saying "if you think you are better than me - kiss this...

    An arrow would lead to my a**.

    Maybe this is an over-share - but I think you should direct your anger and think like me. Whoever would think bad of you for having depression can kiss your a** for several reasons....

    A - they are stupid (avoid these people always)

    B - they are ignorant (worse than stupid - too lazy to educate themselves)

    C - depression kills people - they should know that and just STFU if they have nothing kind to say.

    D - Even depressed guys get lucky - so, maybe some nice girl will see your cool tattoo - maybe her mum (if divorced or single) can see mine

    E YOU are the man! the world should kiss your a** because you rock.

    F - You are someone bro - you got to define yourself as a man and this stage of life is one in which clever men have dark thoughts.

    G - Who knows? Tell yourself reasons. you have exhausted the reasons why you should get your a** kicked and kick your won a**

    We should meet up - a few of us - and kick each other's asses.

    Of course - we are not the ones who are going to kiss anyone's a**

    Well - unless its a close friend - lol

    Thanks for listening Alex.

    I've added you as a friend - so maybe other young buddies I have will welcome you also.

    Life WILL get better - its just the waiting for it to be so that makes you want to die. Hold on though - you got options right? Dreams? Hopes?

    YOU are an artist?

    Me too - so lets talk art.

  10. lunalovegood

    lunalovegood Member

    :hug: Alex, I totally get you there. I think that's why we've all stumbled blearily over to this forum: we don't want to open up to people around us because of a billion different reasons: not wanting to hurt/scare them, not wanting to get further hurt ourselves, scared of the consequences, feeling weak for asking for help, but part of us (maybe REALLLLY deep down) knows we need to keep going through life, for whatever reasons, so we ask for help. That takes balls.

    You are certainly not bitching, but you might find people who will say that you are. They'll compare your life to those of children in impoverished countries or say they had it way worse than you, what do you have to complain about? Just last night, my father said "You're not starting this shit again, are you? No fucking way, I don't have time." That made me curl into a little ball and feel like scum. Just remember that they may say they know how you're feeling, but they do not and cannot understand, because we're all different. They are probably scared and hurt and angry because you want to leave them and that makes them feel guilty or lacking, which can lead to them lashing out like that.

    If you ever need to talk, I am usually around at least twice a day and I know there are lots of others here ready and wanting to help to. We may not have the perfect things to say, or the answers, but sometimes talking to someone else who has been there and felt similar can clear your mind and take a load off your shoulders.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2011
  11. SomepersonAlex

    SomepersonAlex Active Member

    hahah peacelovingguy made me chuckle quite hard. but you do have a point. I have been told I am a coward for years for being depressed. And raised believing it was a cowards way out. I do have hope and dreams, but i do not think I can every achieve them. I don't necessarily care what others think about me. But at some point deep down I do.

    My days are up and down. So many things have happened. a couple things I didn't mention is I am an insomniac so I don't sleep. I do aspire to be an artist but even that feels like a chore at times. It is the only thing that makes me happy. at this point. I am going to spare you all my life story. But yeah I am pursuing help in the form of a clinic or ward.

    I am quite young 19 to be exact. But I feel quite old. I do healthy things, I work out, I try and hang out with people I know to be social. But yeah I have been quite alone for about 3 months. I wouldn't say withdrawn because I am around people even if they are strangers. But even so. I dunno it's late I am gonna try and get a couple hours of sleep at least. Maybe get a clearer head.

    This has help immensely. Even talking about it to total strangers who have the kindness to open their lives and stories is quite heart warming.

    Adios :) :pokeball:
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