I am indeed thinking of offing myself. I have already tried once to no avail. I just don't want to be in this world anymore. I feel it has given me all it has to offer so far. Let's start at the beginning. I have been depressed for about 4-5 years. Every since I was about 14. I wasn't exactly the popular type. I got along with everyone but eventually I was always alone. I started becoming a heavy party goer. I would get drunk. I never used to get high, but it helps nowadays. I know it is quite self destructive, and it is self gratification. The big problem is I have no drive. No self worth. I tend to give up before I even tried. Example with college this last year. I started going to all my classes. Was handling it all quite well, had a steady girlfriend of once. I was happy. But things were brooding. And I was too blind to see them at the time. Things went downhill with school, I eventually got suspended for not attending classes. and flunked out. My girlfriend broke up with me for the exact same reason I just mentioned. I have no self worth. I was actually going to end it my last year of high school. I became clean, didn't party, lost friends (which was hard) and had to move on. but then I met my girlfriend and we hit it off and I felt I had a reason to live again. But once again my life has hit the low point. I only got to one arm, it will scar very badly. My mom eventually found out. We came to the conclusion I might need help. but things have been looking up. I have been trying to look on the bright side and be happy and positive just like we wanted for ourselves. but I just can't do that forever. At the end of the day I am still super depressed. My next plan of action is either to hold out and hope things get better or. I am taking a trip to boston next week and maybe I can find a xxxx. I have thought a lot about the fact of suicide. It isn't for the attention. The self pity. (or some other third thing haha) I am just so angry all the time at myself mostly. For not fulfilling what could of been a very bright future. I am in so much pain all the time. I am quite good at not showing my true feelings. Not letting things that bother me out. but I dunno I think I just need to talk it out. I defiantly need help, but I am not willing to see a psychiatrist or take meds. or anything like that. I just want it to all go away. I want to go to a mental ward or hospital and just spend my days wallowing away in my pain, doing my art. Alone. As it has been.:sigh: I just don't see why I should go on. I have literally nothing going for myself.