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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by headonthedoor, Jun 19, 2012.

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  1. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member

    Hey everyone.

    I'm 39, and things are really really not going well at all. They were really looking good when I was younger, but chronic depression, periods of self-harm, and growing social phobia have totally ruined my life. I became like a recluse. I was trying hard to get out of where I was stuck. Two months ago my girlfriend of 11 years decided to leave me. I've tried everything to get her back, I mean kicking myself and move forward and change. But she won't come back. I have 0 friends. My parents are obligated to take me in or I would be in the street. We'll have to go to court to separate the value of the house. I haven't worked for ten years. The shame of that has made me isolate myself so much that I know only her and superficially her friends. The fact that I don't have anything to write on my resume for so long makes it impossible for me to find the courage to find work. Anyway I almost did, I was working on something, I had hope for this summer, and we were supposed to get married. She gave me no warning, seemed to love me, and told me, every single day; not to worry, that she'd never leave me. And she had noticed that I was getting better. Then, suddenly it seems, she had a moment of realization, that she didn't believe things could change anymore, and she left me at my parents' house, on a visit, 8 hres away from where I was trying to start living again.

    To say I miss her would be quite an understatement. I've had issues with depression and suicidal ideation just about all my life. I've had major episodes. Some things have been traumatizing for her. I ruined my life. I've found means the last two months, I think, to get better, and more importantly, the will, to fight for what in my heart is my marriage... But to just rebuild my whole life from scratch, have to live in my parents' house at my age for who knows how long with no one at all to talk to? I wouldn't even feel like watching tv, or playing games, or whatever. I don't even understand why it is that I can't convince her to try again. I've had quite a shock, it can change people.

    It is not the only reason of course, it's the whole thing, but still, I'm not prepared to live without her. I'm not prepared to live alone. I don't have at the moment anything to offer. The only reason I hesitate is guilt toward my parents. They are old. I'm an only child, and they've done so much for me. It would crush them, I can't even begin to imagine. There's a lot of guilt. But it makes me angry. I've had it. This pain... When I felt this before I still had friends, doors, options. There is nothing but a mountain of ice in front of me.

    I've tried to keep it short. To be concise. That's me being concise. I feel stronger than ever when I think of proving myself to her, but otherwise, I don't see the point. I have to start over even finding someone to help me get work, and it took me so much to do that there. I've tried to believe in her, in us, I've done a lot these past months, and I've tried to push away legal and financial issues to give her as much time as possible. I didn't bother her at all, just worked on me until we had to see each other for something else. She's acting strange. She won't come back. She won't look at me. She should be surprised that I'm acting this strong and all I've been doing, but none of it is enough, she's convinced herself. There's nothing left for me. I'm gonna get what's mine legally, and then I'll have to choose.... I can't live like this. Every minute is agonizing, too lonely, too isolated.

    I'm not sure I wrote in the right section, but it's my first post. I'm really scared... I can't seem to fathom how I got here. We were so close!
    By the way, so everyone knows who they're talking to, I'm a woman... That didn't help in the past, accepting myself, and it won't help in the future in finding someone.

    I've never done forums before; I feel almost as ashamed and nervous as with real people, well, not that you aren't real people, of course. But I'm out of options, I don't communicate with anyone for days and weeks on end. I can't stop screaming inside...

    thank you
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun wow sorry your life seems to be falling apart The thing is now is the time to rebuild YOU ok You will find someone else but not until you are stonger mentally. You keep opening those doors that will get you stable and well and you go out and make new friends Yes you have alot to prove but to YOU hun not to anyone else ok Your parents love you very much and would love to see you get stable and strong again hugs
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    My son spent 10 years of his life locked away in his room after a severe mugging.
    He was diagnosed with agoraphobia and social phobia and with the help of a wonderful doctor has made strides in overcoming both conditions.
    Not saying it's easy, but if he can do it, so can you.
    Like you, he's now 28 with zilch to put on a CV and no references.
    To get round this he's doing voluntary work as this will get him the much needed reference, shows willing and its something to put on that CV.
    Have a look round at what help is available visa vie work placements and/or study and go see your GP about the social phobia.
    I was amazed at how great our GP was and got the appropriate help.

    Sort out you and everything else will fall into place and maybe even get your partner back.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry things are so horrible for you. I am so sorry that your girlfriend left you :(

    I was in a place that was horrible. Mostly a recluse. depressed. Then the person i was closest to died. I had a nervous breakdown. And yes, I was completely alone. I had just moved to a new place. And was in serious trouble emotionally after the loss.

    It took a lot of work. Therapy three times a week. And medication. but I did get things back together and had some good years. And a couple of relationships. Sometimes the greatest healing can come from the worst of crisises. I think of it as if there is a festering boil that suddenly errupts. Its a health crisis. But it was festering for many years. Times of worse crisis can lead to times of the most intense healing. Even though it is the time of the most excruciating pain. I hope that you can find good help. Because you deserve that. You are not alone when you are here
  5. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.
  6. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member

    Thanks everyone.

    @Total Eclipse. I know. It should be for me. But that IS the issue isn't it? I don't think I can be bothered to go through the next phase, the pain, for me. I'd do it to get back a certain foundation from which to reconstruct. But without any person or support, or possibilities. This utterly white canvas. I don't want it. I don't want somebody else. It takes years building such intimacy... I don't think I want to save me...

    @Terry. That's an inspiring story. Once again the issue comes down to me not caring much about surviving for myself. I've been through other things, in the past, it just feels like I've reached my limit you know? And she won't come back, not after court, and we live so far away with all this.

    @flowers. Another inspiring story. Same issues. I'm not willing to make that kind of effort just because. Maybe it's the shock, it's been 2 months, but still, it contradicts so much how she spoke before. I'm not ready at all. I search for her when I sleep, I sob when I wake up. 11 years. I have no one left to talk to about anything at all. We were always together. Of course I believe it's a mistake. I was stunned. I believe knowing she's reached her limit is a great motivation to reach beyond myself, repair, and change, and make her happy. But she didn't give me an ultimatum, she gave me an irreversible and final decision. It's just unbearable that she won't give me just a little chance to do the things I had started to do and see where that leads instead of making even those contacts useless. The worse is I've started to think that I don't care about any future bliss, it's not worth this! So okay, I suffer through this and get another period of not too bad until the next hurricane, the next depression. It's just gone down from bad to worse since adolescence, no matter how high I manage to get myself, of if I accomplished things in the past, the next shock is worst than the last time. And this is the worst yet, the only way it could get any worse would be to find myself without shelter. This really really hurts bad, it's gonna drive me insane... Thanks for sharing your story of going this low socially. I'm so ashamed of not working, that's the Reason the social phobia became so bad though. I was always shy, but this is beyond ridiculous. I once was the leading student in my Faculty, with honours; I did a thesis and all... I avoid even going to the corner store if I can. It's the shame, the guilt, the disgust, that far from living up to what I could have been, I've become not much more than a parasite. I can't do this again, not alone!

    @Mr Stewart - Thx

    Thank you, all of you, I never realized how inhumane it could be to spend months without communication to any other apart from parents, doctor, lawyer, quick Skype notes by my ex concerning the moving or what not. The fear grips my chest in especially excruciating panic attacks that I take pills for. She lost faith in me, that I could get myself out of that dark place and make lasting change, even if I had started to move before the breakup, and I can't go on alone with not even the opportunities I finally had over there.

    God I'm so lonely. She seems so fine... I thought we were for life... I mean I know that's corny, but let's say I really never imagined that we were any close to breaking up even if the situation had to change. I thought we were far from her giving up on me. I had hope for this summer, including making it up to her, all I needed was that first job/volunteer work, occupation, to face people again. She's afraid if I get better that it won't last, and I can't be entirely sure considering my past, but she knew I was getting better, and now I'm so highly motivated to save my relationship. I just can't believe this 180 and how closed she is to me. Maybe she'd rather end it now than ride the wave up with me again just to have it crash further down the line. She gave up on me, just like that.
    And I'm so lost, I'm gonna prove her right.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2012
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    How odd for someone to leave as you are attempting to do better! I wonder what she was in the relationship for if that is the case...As Terry said, there are many ways to improve your resume...maybe getting advise online to reconstruct it would be helpful...also, do not under-estimate what you have done...can you take online courses to improve your employment opportunities? Please know how valuable you are, even in the darkest times...and also that we are here...yes, in cyber, but caring just the same...continue to post and let us know how you are doing...much fondness
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Just know that you have people here who already care. You need do nothing to earn that caring. The important thing is to stay alive. Because there is always hope. Even when we cannot see it. Even when we lose faith in ourselves, it does not mean that our circumstances will remain this painful, or become worse. The future cannot be predicted by the present, or the past. If it could, we all would be psychics. Yes?
  9. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member

    :numbness: - advice/opinion on financial/legal/emotional - will be appreciated. Another long post, as I said, that's me being concise... I really am cutting plenty! Anyway, at the end, I offer the help I might be able to provide others. It could be a while before I have the courage to make contact by myself so anyone wants to contact me, feel free. I know I'm in a period of really deep need, and that means clingy, needy, desperate, anxious, self-defeating, overwhelmed by the lust to die, and so on, meaning, not attractive, not pleasant. Just a few sincere words from a stranger can soften up a whole hour, and well if I can return the favour, it might just take my mind off my own things.

    She just called to ask if I/we had mistakenly taken some of her official papers that her lawyer requested of her because my lawyer requested them for me (I/we did not). She spoke only to my mother, and I didn't ask; I keep to myself with my distress... Anyway I heard her tell my dad that she was really stressed out. Yes of course, money issues seem to get to her a lot more than me these days. Although I can't imagine that she doesn't miss me at all, she avoids me as much as possible, and makes it exaggeratedly clear how "well" she's doing. A bit mean really...

    I'm of course the kind of person who always forgives everything, who always lets others walk all over her; neither of us like trouble much, we never argued, maybe we should have... When we bought the house I was already not working. I had owned a house before and put a large cash down on it that she matched with her retirement funds. We signed a paper for that money. Now 5 years later, she wants to separate and changes her tune. Everything that I should not worry about, that was fine, that she didn't mind, oh how she loved me regardless, and to stop beating myself up and take the time I need... well now it sounds a lot more like I paid for everything while you didn't. My parents have been extremely generous with me/us, funding me for about 10-15K every year, clear, but she has a tendency to not want to remember that. That money came for example in the car they paid us, that she used more than me for 11 years, no expenses but gas, at all, trips to Florida, gifts... There was a lot more, but officially, I never obviously paid mortgage. Now she wanted to give me my cash down and I go with my 14 y/o furniture and 12 y/o car and not make a fuss. But see I'm in Canada, we lived in Ontario, and common law spouses, well it's almost like marriage.

    First I should say that we made major renovations on the house, inside and out, mostly my designs, with my father's expertise; we greatly appreciated the value of the property. She paid more capital, less interests, declared me on her taxes, and so on and so forth. Well the law says that when a property is INTENDED to be the couple's property, it doesn't matter that one partner is unable to partake in payments, as long as they have contributed in other ways, after more than 3 years living together. So I just gave the major points, but I really have a right to half the equity in the house.

    Moreover, when a partner separates and the other finds themselves in a financial blackhole, or is unable to work. Spousal support can be required, on pretty much the same terms as a married couple.

    There is ice surrounding my love... She said "it's not because it's written that you have to do it", and I could hear the "after all I've done for you" resonating below her voice. She's scared she might lose the house. Well I LOSE THE HOUSE!! I find it easy to see her point of view, but at the same time, she really always said it didn't matter to her, she called me her little houselady, you know, as a sweet name...

    I already know the answer, or my answer, because I've already made the move, but I'm so isolated, it's difficult... Of course my parents and lawyer are biased. What do you guys think? I can't just no go after my legal rights can't I? She tried to manipulate me by saying "don't expect me to come back if you do that, you're gonna ruin me!" - of course that sounded ackward since all she's been saying is that there is no chance of her coming back. I pointed that out to her and she quickly rephrased to "don't expect that we could stay friends"... I know there is emotion in there somewhere... Do you think she'll hate me? What's going on with her, I mean, I don't get it. I was in a rut, right, had to do something, but you don't go from I love you to I leave you in 24 hres and then seemingly feel nothing like missing the other, worrying, doubting decision, crying.... hasn't she too just broken off from her engagement after 11 serious years? blablabla...

    I believed that telling my lawyer to go ahead and do what she can for me meant the end of any and all hope that she would come back. But that's based on the same principle that if I don't save my relationship before I have to move out my furniture (almost all of it, 8hres = approx 2000$!!! and not by choice!), it becomes highly unlikely that I would move back. I could just about never see her either. This gets compounded by my pride which tells me that if I have to get out of this extreme, almost impossible situation, on my own, without friends, without the means to support myself, when all I want is to just die! God knows how long and hardcore it would be until I find a way toward my hell to a job... then I'm not sure if I'd be all happy to go back to her after she'd abandoned me to the worst of it. But I guess I'd find a way, depending on what she has to say. She's like a limb of mine.

    So... am I doing the right thing? She's leaving in part because I have no backbone left, and mostly because of negativity related to my issues. Well now I'm showing backbone... right? She'll get over it? Or not? I don't find the idea of asking her for pension very sexy you know... :( It is not in my experience for someone to cut off so drastically. I don't understand. She has to be feeling something!? Unfortunately I think she'll focus on the $ issues and channel her emotions into anger. I don't know if I should abandon ever having a heart to heart with answers, if I should act indifferent (I already never contact her), if I should, as is more fitting of me, let her know how I feel without being overbearing... the pros say that makes you acquired meat and people want what they can't have, that you should pretend to move on, better yet not pretend. But she knows the situation, and she knows my problems, obviously I can't turn on a dime and suddenly be a busy bee, have friends, do activities, maybe date :ambivalence: . She's not dumb, that applies to normal people who actually have lives.

    I can't decipher her behaviour!!!

    Am I doing right? Is it just another confirmation of how dead it is? Where the f*** is she? This should never have happened. As is, I'm not sure she'd feel much of anything once the shock would fade, when I take my life; she wouldn't have to pay spousal support then... right.

    I know this isn't a relationships forum, and that's not why I'm here. My problems run way deeper than that, but what imploded the last semblance of sanity, safety, and predictability from my world is the breakup, and it consumes me, it is my emergency. God if I could just hold her at night... There's this amazing amount of calculations and analysis going on without pause in my brain around the notion of where there's a will there's a way... Why doesn't she miss me, why is this so abrupt, how can I fight against automatic cognitive processes that have been working in her mind to make her world congruent. Selective memories, memories remembered in a newly skewed negative perspective, suppression of the good, everything to support and affirm her decision. I can't reason or fight her. The more I'd do that, the more opposed she'd get. So is there any way, what is it, and how do I channel my terror, my abject shame, my obsession with my own death, and the returning urges to hurt myself (I haven't hurt myself in about a year and a half, but it stayed with her, it's one of the concrete reasons she gave...).

    I am so lost in my own terror and agony, it is very hard to be objective about what is going on outside my shame, self-disgust, anguish, and ridiculous hope. I need help, I don't have words to express my distress in this isolation with my fear of others very much intact. I am shy even here and have stuck to my threads for now, but I have training in psychology (BA (w/ honours) +thesis (recreational drug use) +stage (ADD) +short work in OCD), that's like my one major life achievement... that led to nothing. I'm just really unbelievable, but I'll get to that some other time. I'll just add that for years not working, what I usually do is read, on just about everything. I have PS3 phases, and Buffy or Xena phases, but always it will go back to politics, sociology, comparative religions, and well shrinkology. I am NOT a therapist. But if some of you might like to discuss issues on these terms, I can offer that, and a very open and compassionate mind. However, remain aware that I am right in the middle of the worst crisis/trauma of a lifelong series. I'm in severe distress too

    Anyway, anyone who is generous enough to read my whole posts and try and help, is definitely deserving of a turnabout (is that the right word? I'm French speaking, so don't mind me if sometimes my bilingualism's hiding in the bathroom or whatever.

    Thanks to all who've read me, and especially to all those who answered. I know I'm new, you don't know nothing about me, and giving details would make long posts more like novels. I really appreciate it. Spending the whole night checking to see if I had a post is much better than having nothing to hope for at all.

  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    oh Lord, been here and worn the t-shirt and I know exactly what you are thinking, feeling and going through.

    I think you know it's over, but that damn little bit of hope is playing with your head and heart.
    Hope can be a good thing, but not when it's blocking us from facing the truth.

    This whole thing sounds so much like what I went through with my ex-husband, that hairs stood up on the back of my neck :eek:hmy:

    You must make sure you get all monies owed to you.
    It won't help the heartache you feel at the moment, but it will help in the long run and when you've got through the initial feeling of being punched in the head and heart broken; you are going to hit the angry stage and if you havent safeguarded yourself financially the anger will be even worse.
    She doesnt intend to come back and I see the cruelty is already sneaking into her conversation.
    As I said before, I've been through all this and this place saved my life and sanity.
    I was so heartbroken I never thought I'd recover, but here I am, 6 years later, still standing; all thanks to the marvellous souls on this forum.

    When you are ready, have a go at chat.
    I must have driven everyone mad, going over and over what had happened, but they listened none the less and that is when the healing started.
    If you are nervous of going into chat alone, pop me a pm and we'll set a time to go in together.
  11. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member


    Thanks for answering, really. I'm crying, but at least it sorta feels like I'm not alone... If you don't mind: how long were you married? Did you fight? How did he treat you, talk to you? I understand that anyone could get fed up and unable to cope with the situation as it was, but she was always so supportive and even dismissive of the gravity of it. She wanted me to go out anyway, she said no one would judge me for that (yeah right). She spoke to me in a way that I really felt completely secure in the relationship. I knew things had to change, but THAT was so impossibly unpredictable! How does someone just make that kind of a decision so fast and so radically?
    But I really don't think I can live without her! I lost myself, everything I've ever had to be proud of, and I took too much time to turn things around so now I lose her, her support, her confidence, her love and care. It's like she's an entirely new person, and she's super uncomfortable around me. She's drowning all the pain and guilt this might make her feel in constant exercise, alcohol parties, texting, she's never alone it seems. Well I am. I think, with the shock, that I could have made it, with her aid (that she doesn't want to give anymore); but at this point, how can I even think of not having her with me. What happened and why can't I change it? How can you be so close to someone for more than a decade and in one exchange become strangers, or awkward participants?
    She's a super good person, I don't get it, I guess it's her own defense mechanisms, but she used to care so much, I mean recently! Why can't I reach that part of her? Doesn't she hurt at all? Does she miss me? I'll never know. She looks sad and overcompensating when she's with me, she complimented me twice on my appearance, but could hardly look my way. Of course now, the focus is going to money and conflict, but the emotions, they remain underneath. She's the first to admit how I'm a major reason in her becoming so self-reliant and have great self-esteem... and I've fallen drastically to the other side, and it's dragged for years, and she was too nice, she enabled, she never should have said she didn't mind when she did. Regardless, she leaves me at the bottom. She's not strong enough. We can't talk. And I'm left with no world. I trusted her... i don't entirely get it.

  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    We were married for just over ten years, never really argued let alone fought.
    I'd fight in his corner and he'd fight in mine.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, he just upped and went.
    No warning, no discussion..nada!
    But sometime after I'd got through the intial shock and devastation, I began to think about the last few months.
    There were signs, he was kind of distant, I just thought it was the pressure of work.
    I think somewhere in my subconscious I knew something wasn't right, but I trusted him so completely that I shrugged it off.

    You may never know exactly what was going on in her head, whether she met someone, or just fell out of love.
    The thing to do is talk it through as much as possible.
    Stop beating yourself up and try not to over analyse it.
    There is life after this devastating blow, but I wont lie, it takes time.
  13. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member


    Thank you for your replies. Your situation does sound a lot like mine. I hate this, but I feel helpless. I'm aware that most people don't feel like offing themselves everytime something goes wrong. They hurt. They deal. They go on. I want to go back home... This morning I woke up again panicking. I took some Ativan but honestly nothing seems to help. My parents leave me alone as much as possible but it still gets on my nerves just to have to be here. A part of me wishes I could drink or get high, and I can't do that here... however, honestly, I don't drink!!! And getting other stuff would require me actually going out... It's this anguish, the loneliness, the physical pain in my chest... She's finally opened up a new bank account and emptied the joint account where her paycheck was deposited; I mean she keeps moving forward, further and further away from me! The pain is unbearable, and I really don't know what to do.

    I keep silently screaming at myself. What the hell happened to my life? I know my folks are worried; I try to get up for supper every day. I can't even find the drive to go shopping for what I need to actually put an end to all this. I do want to wait until I've gotten a reasonable deal from my lawyer. Somehow it shouldn't matter, but I think my mother would really want to kill her if I offed myself and left her everything by default. I used to be afraid when confronted to such intense negative emotion that everyone I ever cared for left. I have the same feeling of panic now but it's more that I'm afraid I won't go through with it! It's pathetic really. You're not supposed to "need" someone, yet I don't know how to be alone. She said she'd never do this to me. Everybody says to give her space, and I am... but I'm afraid that it's just letting her detach herself more... and I have that degrading feeling inside like I just want to drive over there, fall on my knees and beg until she takes me back. How can I not hate myself?

    She's a sweetheart really, or always has been, the type that others have taken advantage of before. Is that what I was doing? She's suffered my negativity and immobility alone for years, yet I don't know if I should be grateful or angry that she lied... and she probably didn't realize at the time that she was lying. And how do I stop thinking in circles like this? It's not helping! I need her. She's my only friend! Everything I feel, everything I think; even when I come across a quote, an idea, a news story, I want to tell her, I want to talk with her... I really want to die. I've wanted to die for so much less, even when things were rather good, happiness is a volatile and rare thing for me. She's the total opposite, and the truth is with time, not even her natural peppy optimism could withstand the darkness that oozes from me. We had great moments, almost every day, but I'm sure no one else would have accepted the sort of unlife I imposed by my fears... The selfless part of me wonders how I can hold anything against her in these circumstances. I don't deserve her, or anyone, unless I can change dramatically. The selfish part of me is like I NEED HER!!! When I was young, I was pretty, bright, and super high performing at everything i did.... what the hell happened? I was shy, but this, this is a void, a nothingness, I see no way out, I was paralyzed even with her by my side; I need this to end. I want to die so badly yet I'm so scared. I'm scared of dying alone. Besides my poor parents who have that biological imperative to love me, there is no one anymore. And when my love says "you'll find someone else, I'm not even worried", honestly what she's doing is reassuring herself to silence her own guilt.

    So, what should I do? I see my psychiatrist because I need the pills. I don't care much for going into therapy yet again. There's always an ulterior motive, like I would go if it meant she'd come back... I don't want to pay a fortune for therapy that never worked before, I want to die. But on a day to day basis, the pain in just impossible to deal with. Should I post on the crisis forum? Should I do what you said and go into the chatroom? I've spent almost all my time the last ten years online, yet social as I am, I've never been in a chatroom, or really active in a forum, and I feel the same shame and knowledge of being a negative cumbersome bother who drags everybody down as in real life. No one signs up for this. I often wonder how it is even possible that after my second major depression that lasted about 9 months, when I finally did my coming out and went back to school, I was doing so good! I met my girl online on a matchup website, and quite a few others too. The thought of doing that now is crippling. What can I say? Hi, I'm I., I haven't worked for ten years, am either dependent on my girlfriend or my parents at almost 40, regularly suicidal, can't see myself ending any other way now that she's gone, I've done stuff in the past, but have not a single friend or activity now... are you interested? Then I think hospital, but even my psychiatrist, who knows i want to die, doesn't think that's a good idea. I went to bed last night breathing deeply, watching a candle burn, and thinking of her, letting hope back in, almost smiling, until this morning, the bank account. Who is that running away from me like this? Something is wrong and I can't put my finger on it. I don't accept that, my mind should figure it out and solve this!

    All our memories, inside jokes, idiosyncrasies... oh God, how can she not care? I don't even understand how she's got people coming out of the walls it seems, she is NEVER alone! She's building back her ego on all these new friends, partying like she did before she was 20, too much if you ask me. She's sorta out of control. She's already replaced much of the cool stuff I took that was mine (like the PS3) - with what money??? When I met her she had serious trouble dealing with money, she was indebted and unable to pay her electricity. She had nothing. That was all me. She says I'm the reason that she now has high self-esteem, a great job, a house, yet she's willing to let me drown, and ohhh gross that sounds so pathetic. She wasn't born to take care of me. I should be taking care of me. I should be happy for her? I'm really worried about her actually... Her happiness act just... well time will heal her right? And if/when I put an end to my misery, it won't destroy her right? Just my folks, that's quite enough of a burden...

    Oh God I just, I'm so impossibly lonely. I'm responsible for my own life, aren't we all? This is my fault. Only I can change it. So how exactly am I supposed to even suffer my own company? I'm such a coward that apart from superficial self-harm that hasn't happened for a long time, I can't realistically consider most "methods". I know what to do, but it requires preparation. I've slowly started to sink into bed like both quasi-catatonic depressions of the past. I'm not going through that again. I can't make my parents go through that again. I just want to go home, I'd do everything I can, and if I mess up, then she can throw me out, but not like this? Why won't she give me a chance? I know she loved me. I believe she still does. God I am such a mistake. I am so self-destructive. I've been working at this for at least 5 years; pushing her away, having behaviours no one would accept, KNOWING no one else would've stayed yet trying to believe that she wanted to? It's just her usually docile personality and romantic streak that made her keep quiet, not upset me, and care, and do way more than her share, until there was nothing left. I'm like a black hole. A vampire. I got myself the most optimistic childlike girl, and it took time, but I drained her. Now she's filling herself up again with arguable methods, but when she's well again, she won't just come back to this. No one will...

  14. headonthedoor

    headonthedoor Member

    Sorry for going on and on and on, I will eventually manage not to do that; it sorta feels obsessive-compulsive at the moment. Your posts have been helpful. I'm so down in the dumps that I spend hours on end rereading the threads. I can't motivate myself to plug in the console, and all the games appear to be intolerably boring, far from addictive. Nothing else interests me either. I am not masochistic enough to hang around her fabulous Facebook page, just seeing her change her status to single the very first day was lesson enough for me. But all I want is to talk to her... we've had only one real opportunity to talk, and she's in major avoidance mode. After leaving her pretty much to her own devices for 2 months, when I finally, calmly asked for an explanation she eventually just got frustrated and said something like does it really matter. Well duh! She's been taken advantage of by her previous girlfriend, but she's never been dumped... it would have thorn her apart if I had left her before she left me, such is the strange nature of rejection. The worst is not being able to process why. No the worst is waking up alone, never talking, never to hold her ever again... no affection, no hugs, no touch, no kiss, no warmth...

    You offered help, so I'm kind of hijacking that to occupy myself and unload a bit for a while... the panic is a bit less while I write. I thought about doing a blog on the journey of a suicidal waste in freefall or something, but nobody but me would read it, or worse, i could end up with mean spirited comments that would just brighten my sunny days.

    A week before she said she'd never leave. Why can't I hold her to that? Why can't she hold herself to her own promises? Everyday she said she loved me and we talked about our marriage. She said I was funny, how she loved how I made her laugh. She even enjoyed (she said) being the breadwinner for her little houselady, especially when I did her lunch. There was distance, but I thought it was coming from me, not her. I was the one with no libido forever, not her. She was very affectionate. I knew time was running out, but I thought in terms of weeks, more like months... And why, I knew, was my own feelings... I'm so ashamed to say this: I was starting to resent her. She was always there. She got on my nerves. I felt like screaming to her. If I had it might have sounded something like "How can you stand this? How can you just let me do this, never complain, never get angry, never yell, never kick my butt, never express how any of this makes you feel? How can you just endure all this with a smile? Don't you have any self-esteem left? Did I just suck it all out? How can you just not kick me out!?!?!" --- well somehow she heard me. 90% of my being is working against the whole. I think the rest is autonomous function. :rolleyes:

    How do I get her back? How do I get anything good back in my life? I need to know how she feels... did she cry? A lot? I want to hold her. I can't stop remembering and she can't stop making new memories asap, to avoid thinking about all we've shared. I need to know. My only option would be to contact her brother's wife to be and ask her to discreetly find out. She probably would because she finds the whole thing so sad and is worried about me. But then what if I find out that her "being in love" behaviour was her own rut, and that now that she's unstuck she realized that she hasn't really loved me in years?

    I can't be alone. I don't want to be here either. I'm gonna start to resent them too. Everytime I feel a negative emotion, like Anger that she could switch off radically like that and leave me broken and alone to try to fix the unfixable, oh and when I had such hopes!!! (all those things I want to do, it hurts so bad that she decided that we never would!) Anyway, that Anger, it gets redirected toward me. I take full responsibility for what's happened. I have no one to share anything with. We were like One... and I made this happen.

    I don't want to threaten suicide, but I have talked and talked about it before. It's not gonna come as a surprise just because this time I'm keeping as calm as possible and pretending that it's not my only thought. It really has nothing to do with vengeance, in fact I don't do it because of the guilt of devastating my parents... but I wonder... not that I would ever know, but I wonder how she would react to it. Would she be sad? Hurt? In extreme pain? Would she suddenly regret her decision and feel responsible and need therapy for the rest of her life and have intimacy and trust issues? Would she just sigh and congratulate herself on jumping out of this train wreck? She'll be completely free though...

    I need to speak to her, how can she just move on like that??? You got to understand, I am so directed by shame and guilt and obligation, since forever, that I don't understand! Got super high IQ, but the emotional processing power of a slug. I would NEVER have done that to her, but that's the masochist talking. Most people are free to leave, and would I want her to stay just out of a sense of obligation? And what does it say about me if the answer to that is not a swift and definitive no?

    It's too much... I want to die so badly... how am I ever going to make it through the next few months? How long will it take to get there? How am I gonna suffer through each minute in between?

    There is so much I want to do with her. While I could I never wanted to do anything. I've got to find a way, it would save my life, which I can't tell her obviously. I miss even the things I couldn't stand.

    I really had EVERYTHING going for me, and even after losing a lot of that, I had Love... no one ever could've imagined that I would end up like this. And they blame me, as I blame myself, and they believe I can just decide that I'm through with this, work like everyone else, stop being a cry baby and make something of myself, which would make the task of finding another woman slightly less impossible. And I wonder why I can't just DO that. All my knowledge, all my studies, are rather meaningless... I look at myself and see a loser who had enumerable chances to take back control but is too lazy and is too entirely convinced that no amount of labor will ever produce positive results, and that accomplishments, such as BA, are just as temporary. It all leads right back here. It's a nightmare. I want to believe I'm a victim, then I feel disgusted with myself for wanting that; I am fully creator of my world, I know what I did or didn't do that led me here, so how unbelievably cruel am I to myself to have created this dead space zone where no life can be sustained? Why can't I fundamentally change (I know that medically, let's talk rhetoric), and why do people belittle me for that? I guess any other response would be stranger. A 39 y/o woman with the life I have had induces a little pity, a chunk of empathy or compassion, some accolades, and a lot of dismay. What have I done to myself? it's too late for me. I'm an only child. No extended family. Lost all my friends, my love. Have no career, no ambition, skewed beliefs about all (or more realistic has always been my position), concerned for the whole world when I can't even get out of bed, or want to. I don't have children and am too old to have one, especially without L. around. I understand that some people, like monks, CHOOSE isolation. I may have involuntary chosen it out of self-hatred. I've always destroyed everything I cared about.

    As shameful as it is, what I'd need is a miracle, a guardian angel, someone selfless enough to take me by the hand, like a child, and help me find my way to the other side. Tell me what to do, when, and how. I am that broken. I've met incredible human beings in my time, but here in the basement where I get no light even in the day, miracles do not happen.

    Will she ever want to talk to me? 11 years together all the time sharing almost every single memory.... that's such a big hole in my world. Why shouldn't I jump right in?

    I've got that most revered of qualities right now: desperation... I'm not sure how to integrate myself if i stay honest. It makes me feel like scum, and like I'm hijacking this important forum to talk about my issues that no one cares about when there are plenty of others who are suffering and I'm not even trying to help. I used to be the never judging girl who helped! I don't know who I am!!! You can't live, consuming resources, requiring love and care, playing, reading, and otherwise distracting your mind, never doing anything, producing anything, participating in anything. How can people say people like me matter? It's ridiculous! I'm ready to live, camp, jump, climb, hike, kayak; I'm ready to dance, take lessons, do yoga... but with her damnit, with her!!! And I told her. She doesn't want me, even if that would be the old me that she fell for to begin with.

    I don't know how to make it even through each hour. I was always a little dramatic, especially as a teen, but that can be expected. I went through the first real major trauma when I was 21, and sometimes I feel that I'm more like 29 than 39... maybe even younger. I had more maturity and discipline then!

    I blame myself. I hate myself. I will kill myself. Yet I still believe our relationship, our closeness, our own private little world, deserved every effort to save it. That angers me, that she wouldn't give us the chance. I need to know what she feels! I miss her! There has got to be a way!!! A 39y/o depressive lesbian, now that has so much market appeal...

    I cannot promise I won't do exactly as I plan once the technicalities are taken care of, but there's this whole "now" thing going on where I'm just unable to cope, and don't see anything to keep me afloat. I can't make decisions... I can't even convince myself to go upstairs to grab something readymade to eat because that means facing my parents knowing they hate the look on my face, and feeling the urge to scream something mean at them, so they'll just let me go. My issues have made me selfish. I've got to assume my own guilt. Do I turn right or left? I wanted to just leave and disappear, but mom made it clear that that would be even worse... How can I seriously expect others to take all the risks and make my decisions? Then again isn't that what my mother has worked at doing her whole life? You can't do that, you'll never make it, there are no options this way, you should do this, why aren't you doing that like all of them?... you know, my love has given up on me and nothing else matters, but long before she did, my mother has been convinced that I would never work. For years she only says affirmations like well you can't work so we have to find another way. I know where my fear of everything comes from, I know where my pessimism comes from. A lover will never care like a mother... I'm f*cked.

    For two months I've worked on myself physically and psychologically. I've meditated, read books, thought seriously about therapy, and even felt the stirrings of change. I wanted to prove to her that I would, that I could, I even exercised!!! To the ultimate frustration of my mom, I stopped all that when I stopped having hope, because honestly, I just don't give a f*ck. Under these circumstances, it all becomes useless. So I'll just hear about how good she is doing and crawl deeper, and I'm angry but I'm not. I want her pity but I don't. I want her love, the trust, the belief, the security. My whole life and everything positive in it, any possible reason to greet the days. I'm falling, I will prove her right, and she will just be disgusted with me. I'm doomed either way if she won't come back to any version of me.

    Do you have any advice, anecdotes, a few minutes to waste with words? It's not vital really, what is is that I should thank you, so much, for spending time on me.

    (my name is Isabelle, by the way)
  15. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    I really sorry about your situation. Your post rings a bell in me. The fact is you wont get better if you dont try to work on your social phobia.. Else you will be stuck home forever with no where to go. First steps to take include getting over your loss. Plenty fishes in the ocean etc. second is looking for work (regardless of the position, like retail for now just to help keep a little bit of that stabilization) or even consider going back to school. Dont feel ashamed, many people go back to school for a career change. I know its so hard because im in the same position. But take a deep breath and really think about what you can do to change your current lifestyle. Im still working out the kinks and trying to find that itty bitty strength to keep me moving. Honestly its not working out for me etiehr but damn i dont want to feel this way everyday so i need to try even if a little. Good luck to you

    ( yes im also a recluse with no friends.. I kinda shut myself out from. Everyone else)
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