I cannot get over my ex-girlfriend whom I broke up with 2 years ago for no reason but she was diagnosed with cancer. She is better now and has been dating some other guy for almost a year. I used to get really drunk and smoke weed everyday at college because I didn't know what else to do. I became the laughing stock of everyone from that behavior. Since then, I have gotten an OVI, almost flunked college at OSU, lost a lot of friends, and am living at home now. I also almost killed myself twice when I was really drunk and joked about over facebook because I was demented in the head. I don't know why I did these things. Now, I am about to start working at Barry Bagels without a car, just for something to do; without friends without a clue on where to go from here. I get driven around by my parents and feel like I'm 10 again. I meet some girl a couple months ago and broke up with her after a week because I knew I would never be as happy as I was with my ex girlfriend. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and I'm so lost now. I can't take an interest in anything but porn. Yeah, I know. It's sad. My friends all think I am an idiot who doesn't care about his future and I just woke up and realized I have ruined my life. My days have been blurred together with sleeping, sitting restless, working out, and more sitting restless. My only friends seem to be my dogs now. I keep wishing for my old highschool happy life back but I know that can't happen. I want a re-do with the past two years. I'm 20 and don't have anything to show for it. At least I have my family, but they can't relate. Everyone in my family is intelligent and has a good life; but me. I think about suicide everyday but can't go on with it. I just want to know how to fix my life, but it seems hopeless. I talk with my ex everyday but keep talking about all the negatives. She is the only person I talk to because she says I'm her best friend but I never see her and I live a half mile away from her. I'm just so lost and would just like some support/ help on what to do with my life. I know it's all my fault. I took everything for granted and that made me lose everything. I know it's a lot, but I just need someone to talk to...doctors and psychologists haven't helped.