Lot of things in my mind and I don't have any idea how to cope up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Makaelthos, Dec 11, 2014.

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  1. Makaelthos

    Makaelthos New Member

    Before, I thought suicide was for the weak. I thought it was incredibly selfish and thought that it was foolish to think that suicide is the answer to whatever it is they are facing. Only now did I realize that they didn't think it was their answer, but rather, their only option. As it is for me now, I feel like this is the only reasonable option I have.

    Just now I received results which stated that I failed in my Engineering Licensure Exam. When I received the news, I felt like the whole world came crashing down upon me. I dedicated months of my life for this, only to end up in failure. Maybe some of you will think that I am pathetic, that others have far more serious problems than what I have. And yes, I agree with you. I know that I am pathetic for feeling this way. I know that it is incredibly selfish and immoral of me to even think of committing suicide because of what others may say is trivial. But I can't help but feel incredible guilt and shame for failing.

    When my family received the notice that I failed, they sent me messages of support and assurance that things like this happen. But instead of feeling grateful, it felt like I was getting crushed by their words. The only thought that remained in my mind while reading their messages was, I failed them. I failed to meet their expectations of me. And the feeling of guilt and shame for failing is just eating me up inside.

    It's been hours since I received the news. And yet I still do not know how I would face everyone who believed in me. I've lost my desire to eat, sleep, and have fun. In fact, I wasn't able to get a wink of sleep because whenever I would close my eyes and try to sleep, thoughts of me failing just keep popping into my mind. Even activities which I found normally enjoyable like reading and playing games do not interest me in the slightest. I tried reading books but gave up shortly after reading a couple of pages and noticing that not a single paragraph is registering in my mind.

    I don't think I have ever been this vulnerable before. It came to the point that I cried because of all these emotions I felt. I never cry, I do not even remember the last time I cried prior to this event. I felt even more pathetic when my dad called me on my phone, and said it was unmanly of me to cry when he noticed that my voice was quite choked up.

    Right now I am incredibly lost on how to move on. I don't know how long it will take for me to get up back on my feet, if ever. For now, the one thing in my mind that says I shouldn't go through with suicide, is the thought of my little sister. A couple of hours ago she stopped working on an important project of hers to come to my place (I am living alone) to hangout as she says, and didn't mention anything about my exams. She just gave me a hug and cooked me pancakes before I insisted that she go on and focus on her work because I wouldn't want her to compromise her work just because of me. And maybe this is another one of my guilt. At this point, I don't even know if my thoughts are rational or not anymore. Maybe what is holding me back is the guilt that if I took my own life now, my little sister may be scarred for quite some time.

    In the end, maybe what it gets to is this, their are two thoughts in my mind that are in a tug of war. One that feels guilt and shame for my shortcomings and one that feels guilt on what the consequences of my actions would be. I am confused and quite frankly, the thought that suicide may be the option that I should take looks quite enticing from my point of view.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Had you been depressed prior to failing this exam? I only ask because it seems extreme to want to take your life over failing an exam. I understand it's devastating, I recently failed an assignment I had worked quite hard on and have never failed anything before so I was devastated. But I was able to resubmit. Is there any possibility you can sit the exam again? You may also start to think more rationally as time goes on and you will realise that this is not worth taking your life over. You are clearly intelligent if you are taking an engineering course. I would definitely ask if you could sit the exam again, and seek help from your tutors to work on what you did wrong so you can improve.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    You can retake the exam, as now you know what's on the exam you always can review the areas you know that's on the exam

    A lot people try again.
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