Lots of feelings, Few places to put them

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CrowsCounted, Jan 3, 2009.

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  1. CrowsCounted

    CrowsCounted Member

    Hey everybody, this is my first time on the forum, its nice to see so many compassionate people coming together to give each other strength. Depression and anxiety are very prevalent in my family tree and in my direct family. I've spent most of my life (im 21 now) being the son who supposedly dodged the mental illness bullet, however through closer inspection over the past years it has become apparent that this is not the case. Depression was mostly a self-diagnosis I gave to myself to justify years of pessimistic attitude and faltering motivation. After really seeing just one psychological professional this was confirmed. Ive found that amongst even the closest of friends, suicide is not a topic that is open to discussion. I think that is because the idea of losing someone close is too overpowering to talk about without becoming very emotional. The most strength and stability that I've found in someone else regarding suicide was actually through two friends who had, and i assume do, experience those suicidal thoughts at times. The beauty of it was that they didn't tell me things like "you have so much to live for"(although I acknowledge that those who say that mean it and DO care) Instead I found that they actually felt very similar to me, and had many of the same thoughts on their own accord. It is great to feel that at least you aren't alone, especially when you walk through everyday watching people who seem so happy. People who seem happy not because something good happened to them, but because they simply see the world through different eyes. I can't count the times I've been told that it's my perspective which is off (as if i didn't already know that lol). I am currently taking wellbutrin, which seems to give me a little more energy sometimes, not enough but it's better than nothing. I have been having many suicidal thoughts as of late. They are the type of thoughts where I find way after way to justify why suicide is the natural way for me to go. I try not to focus on it, but oftentimes I do feel that in the end it is what I am meant to do. I guess it's because I don't think my life is going to get any better. Every year is lonelier and more disconnected than the one before. Every day more and more relationships slip through my fingers, and I am too introspective to confuse the fault with anyone or anything other than myself. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of myself, I've been having these thoughts for years and years, and I certainly don't want to distract attention from those who need help tonight, but where else is there to talk about these things. I've heard many people say that suicide is a selfish act. Maybe this is true because it hurts those around you so much. But sometimes I wonder who is really being selfish. It seems that people want you to cling to life so that their connection with you can fade naturally over time, that way when you die they feel less pain. They would rather you remain miserable for a lifetime so that they don't have to be alone. Sometimes I think I would rather burst like a beautiful star and make my mark on the moment, as opposed to slowly fading out into the background, more and more every day. As I move forward I feel more and more alone. Those who I care for spread their wings and fly through life, while I lie on the ground and wait for them to disappear on the horizon and forget me. I try and try to fly myself, and I'm not done trying yet, but god i wonder what it feels like. Although I've found that the things I want lose all of their meaning as soon as I have them. Maybe that is my depression or maybe that is just life. I guess thats the vicious cycle of it sometimes. I know that im blessed with so many things, but I feel like I have nothing. In the end those feelings turn to self-loathing because I feel that I must be selfish to not appreciate what I have, and maybe I am. Again, this is my first time posting here, I hope i've done everything properly and that this is in the right category. These are just alot of thoughts I've had trapped inside for a long time. I think that I'm doing ok but i wonder if anyone else has any of these thoughts...
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forum!!
    You will find alot of us have similarities to yours. You don't sound as if you are in deep depression so I would reccomend you seek out a good therapist to teach you how to cope with your feelings.
    I tried welbutrin and it caused me to have seveere weight gain and it made me feel as if I was rotting from the inside out. It effects people differently. That is like the effexor I am on it helps me but to some people it drives them closer to suicide.
    You have related your feelings very well. And I am sure you will find many friends here on the forum who will offer you support. I hope you will think about the therapist because they do help. Sometimes it takes a while before you notice any changes because you need to tell all and make that bond of trust between you. Good Luck!!~Joseph~
  3. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    First of all, welcome... I am new here myself! : )

    I have to say that reading your post really made me think.. we are a lot alike in the way we think about things... I too, often wonder why I have to feel this way and why can I not just be happy as others seem to be? And sometimes I feel OK, and other times I feel like I am the only person on this earth...
    I have been blessed with a few very good friends and that makes a big difference.
    I also have my faith in the fact that I believe God give me my time here and who am I to cut it short? I keep telling myself that life is a journey, an adventure. While it may seem bad at times, I think to myself, if I were just to give up all hope, I would never know what might have been. It would be sort of like stopping in the middle of the path to my destiny and never know what was at the end...
    That is what keeps me going... as corny as it may sound, it is something...
    I wish you the best... :)
  4. CrowsCounted

    CrowsCounted Member

    thanks guys, i have been to a therapist before but i stopped going because the man i was seeing began succumbing to dimensia which made things kind of tough. I did enjoy the experience, it was a good outlet for me i think. I should probably find another one, but for me doing the things that I should are usually the hardest things to do.:sad: Im not very religious by any means, and I think my idea of faith may be a little different from most peoples. I guess I feel that we all balance each other out in the end, the happy people and the sad people, the suicide and the life saved, birth and death etc..... Its kind of a double edged sword for me though, I feel that even in this emptiness I have purpose, but also that my purpose is emptiness. Maybe im the frown, without which no smile can be complete, or the lonely soul, without which no togetherness or love can be as sweet. Maybe we are all both at the same time? I tend to rant quite alot and my thoughts almost always form circles, sry for being so random:unsure:
  5. nz10040

    nz10040 Member

    well said!
    i could deff. relate to this, especially to ur reply ^^

  6. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Welcome to SF :hug:

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