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Lots of Swearing, Be Warned. I'm Sure You Know The Feeling.

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#1
When something goes right, and then another thing fucks it all up again. Right?

Because man, I'm shit. I'm super shit. I can't bear living in this world.

You know, in 2016 when I was certain my dad was gonna come out of prison and didn't, I was so relieved and confused and just all out done. The more he had parole meetings, the more it was clear. But it's different now. Because before, I had to go through so many people to try and find the conditions of what his release might be. And now they're giving them to us, like we now deserve to know. And we've been told its incredibly likely he will get out.

It's a joke that they think he deserves to be back in public where he will keep on committing and keep on destroying lives. After nearly 15 years he still, STILL won't admit what he's done. Still won't take any responsibility. You call that change? Fuck you. Fuck all of the people behind this decision. Because that's exactly what they're doing by even considering he's ready.

I just managed to settle myself with my break up. Knowing that he's in a much better place now. I'd just gotten to terms with it, it hurt that I was crap for him but it makes me glad to know he can move on. And you get to the point you think "Wow, I'm stable! For once, maybe I've got a chance at getting things right, getting me back on track". As if I'll ever be on track. Its all one big joke. A joke I'm expected to smile and laugh through, pretend it's okay and that I'm alright with it.

What made it worse is that my Mum doesn't mention this. No, she got the call a few weeks ago that they were preparing a hearing for the end of July. But fuck me if I'm meant to know. I have to ask her and get it out of her. And as much as I understand why she does it, part of me hates her for it.

I can't see a way forward when I always seem to get pulled back. I want to cry, I want to scream and pull out my hair. People tell me to be strong and I'm fed up of being strong. I've been fighting my whole life, fighting to keep Ali okay, fighting to keep my Mum okay, fighting to keep friends and family and me okay. And I can't do it anymore, I can't. How am I meant to do this?? How?? There's no answer to that, not one, except to keep going. But I'm sick of keeping on going.
 
#2
Sorry that things have been shit. It's ok to swear if swearing helps you feel better.

I just managed to settle myself with my break up
Sorry to hear this. I knew things were rocky, but I didn't know about the break up.
No, she got the call a few weeks ago that they were preparing a hearing for the end of July. But fuck me if I'm meant to know
I wonder if you could write a letter to the court telling them how his release would make you fearful, and that his failure to admit guilt or show remorse is an indication that he should stay in jail. I don't know if that would change what they do, but maybe it would make you feel better.
I want to cry, I want to scream and pull out my hair
If there is a private place where you can just scream, maybe that would help

Hugs Em
 

Walker

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#3
Hi Emma. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about this going on at such a rocky time already. I know it is crappy looking at a release date but also pretty much everyone gets out of prison except people who have killed multiple people so reintegration is something that has to be looked at eventually. Maybe you can just look at the best ways to distance yourself (and Ali) from him. I feel like she has a potentially harder time doing that since she's a bit younger but you two can find a way to not have this man in your life at all. Your mum can make sure she has nothing to do with him if that's what she chooses but she can also make sure she doesn't share your information with him if she does have something to do with him.
I'm sure you are going to keep being the bad ass, tough girl that you've been all this time. It's in there. You don't have to "act like you're okay with it". Hell, make a huge fuss about it. Write them, show up to the hearing, do whatever you can. He's going to get out eventually but you can prolong it to the best you feel as though you're capable of if that's what makes you guys feel safest.
Sending you the best of luck.. and lots of love
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#4
Sorry that things have been shit. It's ok to swear if swearing helps you feel better.


Sorry to hear this. I knew things were rocky, but I didn't know about the break up.

I wonder if you could write a letter to the court telling them how his release would make you fearful, and that his failure to admit guilt or show remorse is an indication that he should stay in jail. I don't know if that would change what they do, but maybe it would make you feel better.

If there is a private place where you can just scream, maybe that would help

Hugs Em
Thanks May - you know what, I might write that letter. They know we're afraid, and to be honest, they don't really care. But certainly offering the second point could be good. What harm is it gonna do anyway?

Thanks for the support <3

Sending hugs

Em
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#5
Hi Emma. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about this going on at such a rocky time already. I know it is crappy looking at a release date but also pretty much everyone gets out of prison except people who have killed multiple people so reintegration is something that has to be looked at eventually. Maybe you can just look at the best ways to distance yourself (and Ali) from him. I feel like she has a potentially harder time doing that since she's a bit younger but you two can find a way to not have this man in your life at all. Your mum can make sure she has nothing to do with him if that's what she chooses but she can also make sure she doesn't share your information with him if she does have something to do with him.
I'm sure you are going to keep being the bad ass, tough girl that you've been all this time. It's in there. You don't have to "act like you're okay with it". Hell, make a huge fuss about it. Write them, show up to the hearing, do whatever you can. He's going to get out eventually but you can prolong it to the best you feel as though you're capable of if that's what makes you guys feel safest.
Sending you the best of luck.. and lots of love
Thank you... you're right, they do. It just feels wrong to let him out when he shows no sign of wanting to be better.

There are things in place, there's a zone he's not allowed in around my home (but not at uni). There's a no-contact thing set up. He has to live in a hostel and wear a tag for 6 months when he's released. What worries me is that he's going to realise a life with so many limitations... Well, he's got nothing to lose. He won't care about going back to prison. And I say I'm worried he's going to come after us like I'm paranoid, but my mums the same (she wants nothing to do with him). My Mum is moving house because of this, I know that now. And she's making sure we are untraceable through council tax reports. And she tries to reassure us it'll be okay but her actions speak differently and if he wants to find us, he will. He's manipulative and impulsive and barley human.

I worry about Ali because she's been in psych wards, she's been self-harming, I couldnt tell you the number of times she's tried to kill herself. And she's in a place where she's feeling okay about the future and it's going to kill her. Scratch that - he's going to kill her. His release is going to kill her.

I appreciate your reply so much. I hope you don't mind the venting. Everything you said means so much.

Sending hugs

Em
 

Walker

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ADMIN
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#6
It just feels wrong to let him out when he shows no sign of wanting to be better.
Oh I get this. You know I do. I see this shit all the time. Unrepentant creeps getting out when you *know* it's a bad call.

Does Ali know he's looking at another release date yet?
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#7
Oh I get this. You know I do. I see this shit all the time. Unrepentant creeps getting out when you *know* it's a bad call.

Does Ali know he's looking at another release date yet?
Exactly - thank you.

No... it took me ages to get it out of mum and now it feels like my burden to tell her, as my mum won't. I don't know if I should tell her now, or wait until we know he will be released.

Sending hugs

Em
 
#8
I don't know about the entirety of your situation, but my experience is with people once they get to the adult level they most likely stick to their 'ruts' and will never change, regardless of how many times you've helped and love shown to them. I've had several 'bad egg' adult family members I just had to, had to cut out of my life for my own sanity. And if I didn't cut them out completely, then I made/make very clear boundaries from now on of what I'll take and what I won't.

It's tough dealing with blood or people you've known a long time, but please be selfish for yourself and learn to focus on your life maybe a little more. You start telling/deciding for yourself how you should feel or react to something, rather than others forcing you to get upset or walk a tightrope all the time. You're not being a bad person just for looking out for your own good health when you should. Peace
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#9
I don't know about the entirety of your situation, but my experience is with people once they get to the adult level they most likely stick to their 'ruts' and will never change, regardless of how many times you've helped and love shown to them. I've had several 'bad egg' adult family members I just had to, had to cut out of my life for my own sanity. And if I didn't cut them out completely, then I made/make very clear boundaries from now on of what I'll take and what I won't.

It's tough dealing with blood or people you've known a long time, but please be selfish for yourself and learn to focus on your life maybe a little more. You start telling/deciding for yourself how you should feel or react to something, rather than others forcing you to get upset or walk a tightrope all the time. You're not being a bad person just for looking out for your own good health when you should. Peace
Thank you! I agree and I want nothing of him in my life. I just worry about him coming after me. It sounds a bit dumb... but I need to get over that. I guess the only way to is to see what happens. I definitely need to focus on my life a bit more.

Thank you for the empathy and understanding, you're so right!

Sending hugs

Em
 

Fauve

SF Supporter
#10
Hello,

I can't say I understand what you're going through, but I have a younger sibling as well, and we're living together, so we look out and care for each other a lot. I'do anything for them.

From what you told us here, your father is definitely someone that must stay away from the both of you. I don't know your whole situation, but only imagining what the two must have been through makes my blood boils in my veins and hate a man I've never met. You have all the rights to express yourself here and "vent" about it as much as necessary.

I hope they will listen to what you and your little sister have to say on the matter, because truly, it's the minimum they could do, as you're the ones they're supposed to protect. Years spent in prison don't equate a real change or atonement, especially if he won't even admit what he's done.

The both of you are incredibly strong and badass, and you deserve to be vulnerable and happy without fearing this man to come and destroy everything. You deserve to create a life away from all this.

I send you a lot of courage, and I hope the best for the both of you
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#11
Hello,

I can't say I understand what you're going through, but I have a younger sibling as well, and we're living together, so we look out and care for each other a lot. I'do anything for them.

From what you told us here, your father is definitely someone that must stay away from the both of you. I don't know your whole situation, but only imagining what the two must have been through makes my blood boils in my veins and hate a man I've never met. You have all the rights to express yourself here and "vent" about it as much as necessary.

I hope they will listen to what you and your little sister have to say on the matter, because truly, it's the minimum they could do, as you're the ones they're supposed to protect. Years spent in prison don't equate a real change or atonement, especially if he won't even admit what he's done.

The both of you are incredibly strong and badass, and you deserve to be vulnerable and happy without fearing this man to come and destroy everything. You deserve to create a life away from all this.

I send you a lot of courage, and I hope the best for the both of you
Hey, thank you so much... He is absolutely someone who needs to be kept away and I want to thank you so much for your empathy. You're right that we don't deserve to have our lives destroyed because of him and he doesn't deserve the chance to do that, either. I hope they listen, too. Thank you so much.

Sending hugs

Em
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#12
When something goes right, and then another thing fucks it all up again. Right?

Because man, I'm shit. I'm super shit. I can't bear living in this world.

You know, in 2016 when I was certain my dad was gonna come out of prison and didn't, I was so relieved and confused and just all out done. The more he had parole meetings, the more it was clear. But it's different now. Because before, I had to go through so many people to try and find the conditions of what his release might be. And now they're giving them to us, like we now deserve to know. And we've been told its incredibly likely he will get out.

It's a joke that they think he deserves to be back in public where he will keep on committing and keep on destroying lives. After nearly 15 years he still, STILL won't admit what he's done. Still won't take any responsibility. You call that change? Fuck you. Fuck all of the people behind this decision. Because that's exactly what they're doing by even considering he's ready.

I just managed to settle myself with my break up. Knowing that he's in a much better place now. I'd just gotten to terms with it, it hurt that I was crap for him but it makes me glad to know he can move on. And you get to the point you think "Wow, I'm stable! For once, maybe I've got a chance at getting things right, getting me back on track". As if I'll ever be on track. Its all one big joke. A joke I'm expected to smile and laugh through, pretend it's okay and that I'm alright with it.

What made it worse is that my Mum doesn't mention this. No, she got the call a few weeks ago that they were preparing a hearing for the end of July. But fuck me if I'm meant to know. I have to ask her and get it out of her. And as much as I understand why she does it, part of me hates her for it.

I can't see a way forward when I always seem to get pulled back. I want to cry, I want to scream and pull out my hair. People tell me to be strong and I'm fed up of being strong. I've been fighting my whole life, fighting to keep Ali okay, fighting to keep my Mum okay, fighting to keep friends and family and me okay. And I can't do it anymore, I can't. How am I meant to do this?? How?? There's no answer to that, not one, except to keep going. But I'm sick of keeping on going.
Did he get found guilty for what he did? I mean, clearly, he was in jail, but sometimes a defense attorney can get the charges lowered to something else. Like, for example, murder could be lowered down to manslaughter, assault to drunken disorderly, etc. So if they charged him for a less serious crime, maybe that's why he's refusing to admit what he did. Because if he did admit it, they could find a way to screw him out of getting out anytime soon, so it's better to deny it until it's all over and done with. Even when it comes to family, especially if it's a serious crime, it's better to keep your mouth shut because -- plausible deniability. Police will often question family members, but if they truly have no idea what happened, they can't possibly say anything that will get you found guilty. Either way, though, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault, and unfortunately, you can't control the situation. I hope that whatever happens you're able to move on from this.
 
#13
From what I recall that Em has said about this, I think he got convicted for exactly what he did. It seems more like a denial/lack of remorse thing than anything else.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#14
Did he get found guilty for what he did? I mean, clearly, he was in jail, but sometimes a defense attorney can get the charges lowered to something else. Like, for example, murder could be lowered down to manslaughter, assault to drunken disorderly, etc. So if they charged him for a less serious crime, maybe that's why he's refusing to admit what he did. Because if he did admit it, they could find a way to screw him out of getting out anytime soon, so it's better to deny it until it's all over and done with. Even when it comes to family, especially if it's a serious crime, it's better to keep your mouth shut because -- plausible deniability. Police will often question family members, but if they truly have no idea what happened, they can't possibly say anything that will get you found guilty. Either way, though, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault, and unfortunately, you can't control the situation. I hope that whatever happens you're able to move on from this.
From what I recall that Em has said about this, I think he got convicted for exactly what he did. It seems more like a denial/lack of remorse thing than anything else.
I'm afraid @may71 is right, it's a lack of remorse. Everything he did was very, very clear, and he got the sentence for it. He just justifies his actions, claiming that he was just playing a game. He is stubborn and egotistical; he'd never see himself as anything but wonderful, and he always strived to keep up that image.

Thank you for the support! I hope I can move on, too. I hope he doesn't get it. But if he does I think all I can do is wait. Wait til either something happens, or it's been long enough to feel okay again. Or he dies, hopefully. Thank you <3

Sending hugs

Em
 

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