When something goes right, and then another thing fucks it all up again. Right?
Because man, I'm shit. I'm super shit. I can't bear living in this world.
You know, in 2016 when I was certain my dad was gonna come out of prison and didn't, I was so relieved and confused and just all out done. The more he had parole meetings, the more it was clear. But it's different now. Because before, I had to go through so many people to try and find the conditions of what his release might be. And now they're giving them to us, like we now deserve to know. And we've been told its incredibly likely he will get out.
It's a joke that they think he deserves to be back in public where he will keep on committing and keep on destroying lives. After nearly 15 years he still, STILL won't admit what he's done. Still won't take any responsibility. You call that change? Fuck you. Fuck all of the people behind this decision. Because that's exactly what they're doing by even considering he's ready.
I just managed to settle myself with my break up. Knowing that he's in a much better place now. I'd just gotten to terms with it, it hurt that I was crap for him but it makes me glad to know he can move on. And you get to the point you think "Wow, I'm stable! For once, maybe I've got a chance at getting things right, getting me back on track". As if I'll ever be on track. Its all one big joke. A joke I'm expected to smile and laugh through, pretend it's okay and that I'm alright with it.
What made it worse is that my Mum doesn't mention this. No, she got the call a few weeks ago that they were preparing a hearing for the end of July. But fuck me if I'm meant to know. I have to ask her and get it out of her. And as much as I understand why she does it, part of me hates her for it.
I can't see a way forward when I always seem to get pulled back. I want to cry, I want to scream and pull out my hair. People tell me to be strong and I'm fed up of being strong. I've been fighting my whole life, fighting to keep Ali okay, fighting to keep my Mum okay, fighting to keep friends and family and me okay. And I can't do it anymore, I can't. How am I meant to do this?? How?? There's no answer to that, not one, except to keep going. But I'm sick of keeping on going.
Because man, I'm shit. I'm super shit. I can't bear living in this world.
You know, in 2016 when I was certain my dad was gonna come out of prison and didn't, I was so relieved and confused and just all out done. The more he had parole meetings, the more it was clear. But it's different now. Because before, I had to go through so many people to try and find the conditions of what his release might be. And now they're giving them to us, like we now deserve to know. And we've been told its incredibly likely he will get out.
It's a joke that they think he deserves to be back in public where he will keep on committing and keep on destroying lives. After nearly 15 years he still, STILL won't admit what he's done. Still won't take any responsibility. You call that change? Fuck you. Fuck all of the people behind this decision. Because that's exactly what they're doing by even considering he's ready.
I just managed to settle myself with my break up. Knowing that he's in a much better place now. I'd just gotten to terms with it, it hurt that I was crap for him but it makes me glad to know he can move on. And you get to the point you think "Wow, I'm stable! For once, maybe I've got a chance at getting things right, getting me back on track". As if I'll ever be on track. Its all one big joke. A joke I'm expected to smile and laugh through, pretend it's okay and that I'm alright with it.
What made it worse is that my Mum doesn't mention this. No, she got the call a few weeks ago that they were preparing a hearing for the end of July. But fuck me if I'm meant to know. I have to ask her and get it out of her. And as much as I understand why she does it, part of me hates her for it.
I can't see a way forward when I always seem to get pulled back. I want to cry, I want to scream and pull out my hair. People tell me to be strong and I'm fed up of being strong. I've been fighting my whole life, fighting to keep Ali okay, fighting to keep my Mum okay, fighting to keep friends and family and me okay. And I can't do it anymore, I can't. How am I meant to do this?? How?? There's no answer to that, not one, except to keep going. But I'm sick of keeping on going.