So I spill my guts to this guy I'd known and came to really like. Talk about mixed signals. He treated me like I was actually special to him until recently. Do you know what he told me when he learned that I liked him? "Try online dating" "Go out and meet people" he says. What am I, a hermit living in the woods who sits in the house all the time or something? Do I look like I don't know what a dating website is, and does it occur to you that maybe I'm not interested in using them and having strings of casual sex and hookups? Top that; it will be easy. I was a passing cloud to this guy. He meant a lot to me. I let myself be vulnerable to him to an extent because of that and I felt and thought we had a connection. We shared so much and spent so much time talking to each other. I did so many things, went so many places, was part of so many activities where my face was in my phone talking to him because I chose to make this person - who sent me gifts and gave me lots of attention and many shoulders to cry and lean on, and who seemingly wanted to be a part of my life - part of my life. There isn't a major or minor event in my life over the past 18 months that he didn't know about. I was putting things on hold and thinking of moving to be closer to him but had to find out how he felt before making that decision, before even visiting much less moving. I really fell for this guy. He meant a lot to me because I thought I meant a lot to him. This was as close as anyone with the exception of my therapist had ever been allowed to get to me. People I knew for years since childhood, people who touched my body and got in-person contact, people who were my family, siblings, knew and know nothing compared to what he knew and the way I opened up to him and let him into my heart, my mind, emotional places I don't let anyone go or see... I don't think I'm in to do it again. I'm heartbroken beyond what I'm able to express in the confines of the internet where you are merely another drop in the bucket to everyone else, and you and everything you are made of and share, disappear with a mere toggle. But I'm alive. I can move on. I have a future that he wasn't meant to be a part of. That saddens and petrifies me. But with great revelations come great relief, even if it isn't what you want to hear. As long as it's the truth. I don't know whether to believe it. Another hard loss for me in a string of losses since I estranged myself from the family who raised me in May 2014. Not because he rejected me and made a coward of himself, but because he was a deeply trusted friend as well.