why do i keep doing this. she's the only thing in my life keeping the screws in place at this point, but I keep pushing, keep wanting the end to come. I want to feel alone again, so when it's time, i'll be without hesitation. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to believe that there's hope for me. I don't want to imagine happiness. I was ready to go and she pulled me back. Now my heart is brimming with hope, yet I can't find the words to thank her. The only words I express are the ones that cause her retreat. I don't want the end to come with heartbreak. I want my heart to be as empty as it once was. I want to feel nothing again, be ready again, but her presence is like rain on the seed in my mind, and every drop cracks the shell. I get so close and fear it so much. I know there is inevitable pain lurking with every word, but I know there's profound love before it. can I abandon death for love, or will love be the end of me? why do I keep doing this?