I don't expect much of this to make sense to anyone who doesn't know me well, which is why i put it in the let it all out forum. I've fallen. i knew that if I stayed here eventually it would happen. I would fall. And someone would catch me. My world feels brighter today. The dark shadows in my mind have drifted back to become a light fog in the background. They'll never go away, of that I'm sure. But what if there is someone who tolerates them? Possibly even goes so far as to accept them. And what if I were to fall in love with this someone. Not on purpose, not trying to, just..happened. So quickly and so strongly that it scares me a little bit. I knew the situation was bad. is bad. But i fell anyways. And he caught me. All of my relationships have worked out the same. I never date the right men. They are always controlling and mean and just...not in love with me. And don't want me to leave. I don't understand how I've gone from being a person to a possession. But this guy...he's different. he understands me, on so many levels. Levels that others haven't taken the time to try to reach. But with him...there wasn't any effort required. It was like all my walls just crumbled for him. My own mind turned against me, it always tells me to keep people out. Push them away, don't bring anyone else into this life i have. Because they always end up hurt. But with him, i felt like every part of me, mind and heart, was just begging me to let him in. I've never had much problem with "word vomit" but lately it seems I do. I just don't know what to do. He makes everything just...SO much better. And he tells me he cares about me...and I believe him. But the circumstances I've put him in...the life i've dragged him into...i dont know if its right. I don't know if its right to ask him to wait for me to fix this, when I don't know how long it will take to fix. I don't know if its selfishness that drives me, or the desire to hold him at least once..but I don't want it to end. Circumstances be damned.