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Love-Hate relationship with anorexia

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Entity, Dec 10, 2011.

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  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    earlier this week i was re-diagnosed with anorexia, I told my doctor that i would talk to my therapist and psychiatrist and work through getting help. Only thing is, I don't have either of those specialists anymore. I just didn't want him to do anything about it.

    Is that awful of me?

    I want help, but i don't want help.

    I want help because I know that this is killing my insides, but i don't want help because i'm terrified.

    I'm terrified of gaining weight and terrified of eating.

    If i eat something. Anything. I'll gain weight. Any ounce of weight will distort my body image more than it is already.

    At least in my head it will.

    Part of me feels so beautiful, now, and then I look more closely.

    I can still see so much fat. So much.

    Today i had to take a picture of my stomach just to see if my ribcage really did stick out further than my chest.

    It doesn't yet, but it almost appears as if i have another chest under my chest.

    I'm able to see the indentation and caving in of each rib bone. Is that normal? No. Is it pretty? No. But it's better than being as big as i thought i was before.

    I'm so scared.

    If i do end up having to go back to the psychiatrist, he will for sure put me back in the mental hospital and i can't even begin to tell you how much i don't want that to happen. But still not enough to make the fear of gaining weight go away.

    I don't understand. I wanted to lose weight to be pretty, so i wouldn't be so fat. Now when i thought i looked at least 10 times better others say i'm too skinny.

    Why does my appearance matter so much to me?

    My face is ugly, there's nothing i can do about that, but my body is something i thought i could control. One thing in my life i felt like i could control, and i can't even do that right.

    This shouldn't be as complicated as it is, but it so is.

    I love that i've lost so much weight, and it's so exciting to see the number shrink on the scale, but if it goes up even by the more minute amount, I have to self harm.

    Is that wrong?

    I shouldn't feel this way, right?

    So why do i?

    Why is my body size THAT important. Why is it that that little bit of weight will have that big of an impact on my mood?

    The thing is, i see the number shrink and get happy, and then i look in the mirror and i still see fat, so either way, i'm depressed about my body image.

    But i don't want to do anything about it, because no matter what kind of help i get, i'll gain weight. I just can't have that happen.

    Today, i haven't eaten anything, yesterday, i ate a small cookie, day before-i ate about a handful of popcorn, day before-nothing. This is my regular eating routine.

    The small amounts of food I eat make me feel physically sick.

    Even bringing the food to my mouth i feel so sick.

    After i manage to eat the small item, I'm full. Full like someone that ate 5 heaping plates of food on thanksgiving full.

    That doesn't even make sense to me.

    I don't understand.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need help hun you do please get your doctor to sign you in to a program okay to change your way of thinking to help you see more clearly how your illness is affecting everyting you do Get the helpl hun before you do more damage to your organs hugs
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    You are beautiful!
  4. BelladonnaM

    BelladonnaM Account Closed

    God, no. It is a part of the disease. It is such a complicated disease with both psychological and physical components. Although it is easy to feel like an awful person, obviously you are smart and know this is harmful, that is why we blame ourselves for not getting or wanting help, or for even liking the feelings of anorexia. I have read so many poems by people with the theme that Ana is my best friend, but why did the person write that poem? Because she knew her "friend" was killing her and was seeking support in whatever way she can motivate herself to.

    This is so hard to struggle with alone.

    If you are like me, you probably had target weights...I'll be happy when I'm xxx pounds, but once you get there, that isn't enough and then I think, I'll be happy when I'm a smaller number of pounds, and so on. But I never get happy at that target weight, that target weight always shrinks. I try to remind myself of this fact when I start thinking about my current target weight and don't want to eat. It isn't really about being fat or skinny at all, it's deeper than that, and it is certainly not about vanity. I remember looking at myself when I was underweight and STILL think I was ugly because my bones stuck out, but I was able to say that I'm ugly and still smile, but no matter what I still feel ugly. If you think about it, the feelings you are having not only make sense, but you aren't a freak and alone in feeling this way. If you feel ugly inside, you lose weight to feel pretty but that doesn't work so let's lose more weight, and on and on it goes till we scare ourselves and hopefully get help. There is no such thing as "shouldn't" feeling a certain way. Is it unhealthy? Of course! But your feelings are natural and normal. It is what happens, historically, when we feel ugly. Are you like me in that it is hard to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments? Like if someone tells me I'm smart, I think, no, I was just exposed to this information by reading some book or seeing something on TV (there's always an excuse to not believe a compliment). If so, a shrinking number on the scale, especially an impossibly small number make me feel a sense of accomplishment. Irrational, maybe, but definitely understandable. You think your face is ugly so if that is what I was telling myself, I'd definitely feel pride over losing more and more weight. But, again, you are smart so you know that this is unhealthy so of course, why wouldn't that knowledge cause you stress, make you feel freaked out?

    This is also makes sense to me. You have seriously been restricting. When we do that, our bodies become inefficient at processing food. If you restrict/fast long enough, the process of digesting becomes painful, even with the smallest amounts of food. Our stomachs also shrink, it is a muscle, so it loses it's capacity to hold a normal amount of food without pain. When recovering, it is important to retrain your body to accept and process food. In the past, the traditional thing that doctors did was to force a person to eat a normal amount of food which would result in pain and make the patient have more anxiety and feel sick with food. They have since discovered to slowly increase how much you eat, day by day. Although it is highly triggering, the book Thin by Marya Hornebacher explains all this REALLY well. It helped me feel less alone. I have an ebook version I can give you.

    I don't mean to sound lecture-y but I HAVE to say, get help sooner rather than later despite your fears. The longer you wait, the harder it is. That is my regret. Right now, you can probably eat very little and lose weight. I used to be able to do that. After doing that, though, I got diseases that RESULT in weight gain like PCOS and hypothyroidism. I now eat like an anorexic but can't lose weight, instead I continue to gain weight. If I had gotten help, I may have avoided being in this very unhealthy place that you can imagine is very triggering and stressful to an anorexic. That is a huge regret of mine that I really don't want you to have. Also, the lack of electrolytes from not eating can cause heart attacks even after you recover and start feeling good about yourself again. That is the last thing you need when you struggle to reach a happy place and finally get there. When you have your bad days and you know you aren't eating right, can you try to convince yourself to drink Gatorade, maybe a glass or two, for your future, happy self's sake?
  5. BelladonnaM

    BelladonnaM Account Closed

    Sorry the book I liked is called Wasted by Marya Hornebacher
  6. Evixen

    Evixen SF Veteran

    Katie, I've known you for a long time now, and although we don't talk much anymore, I still care and worry about you. You need to get some help with this. Anorexia can be very damaging. I know you're afraid to gain weight, and I definitely know what that's like, but you need to eat. At least drink. I know exactly how you feel, and you're probably like "Yeah right Kylene, you've never dealt with this shit" but this summer I was diagnosed with Bulimia. I've ruined my stomach, and have to be on stomach meds for probably the rest of my life. You too will also slowly ruin your insides. My doctor had me drink at least one milkshake and one Powerade or Gatorade a day. The milkshakes were Ensures, which give you nutrients without eating, and the Gatorade had electrolytes so you stayed hydrated by only drinking once a day. Please try it, or try something. I know how hard it is to get through an eating disorder, but I have faith in you.
  7. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this. :| it really is the worst... messes with your mind so much. I completely understand the love-hate relationship. it's like you want to beat it so it's not controlling you anymore, but it doesnt let you. ugh. good luck and stay strong. :hug:
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