earlier this week i was re-diagnosed with anorexia, I told my doctor that i would talk to my therapist and psychiatrist and work through getting help. Only thing is, I don't have either of those specialists anymore. I just didn't want him to do anything about it. Is that awful of me? I want help, but i don't want help. I want help because I know that this is killing my insides, but i don't want help because i'm terrified. I'm terrified of gaining weight and terrified of eating. If i eat something. Anything. I'll gain weight. Any ounce of weight will distort my body image more than it is already. At least in my head it will. Part of me feels so beautiful, now, and then I look more closely. I can still see so much fat. So much. Today i had to take a picture of my stomach just to see if my ribcage really did stick out further than my chest. It doesn't yet, but it almost appears as if i have another chest under my chest. I'm able to see the indentation and caving in of each rib bone. Is that normal? No. Is it pretty? No. But it's better than being as big as i thought i was before. I'm so scared. If i do end up having to go back to the psychiatrist, he will for sure put me back in the mental hospital and i can't even begin to tell you how much i don't want that to happen. But still not enough to make the fear of gaining weight go away. I don't understand. I wanted to lose weight to be pretty, so i wouldn't be so fat. Now when i thought i looked at least 10 times better others say i'm too skinny. Why does my appearance matter so much to me? My face is ugly, there's nothing i can do about that, but my body is something i thought i could control. One thing in my life i felt like i could control, and i can't even do that right. This shouldn't be as complicated as it is, but it so is. I love that i've lost so much weight, and it's so exciting to see the number shrink on the scale, but if it goes up even by the more minute amount, I have to self harm. Is that wrong? I shouldn't feel this way, right? So why do i? Why is my body size THAT important. Why is it that that little bit of weight will have that big of an impact on my mood? The thing is, i see the number shrink and get happy, and then i look in the mirror and i still see fat, so either way, i'm depressed about my body image. But i don't want to do anything about it, because no matter what kind of help i get, i'll gain weight. I just can't have that happen. Today, i haven't eaten anything, yesterday, i ate a small cookie, day before-i ate about a handful of popcorn, day before-nothing. This is my regular eating routine. The small amounts of food I eat make me feel physically sick. Even bringing the food to my mouth i feel so sick. After i manage to eat the small item, I'm full. Full like someone that ate 5 heaping plates of food on thanksgiving full. That doesn't even make sense to me. I don't understand.