Love & Hate.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SowrongSowrong, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. SowrongSowrong

    SowrongSowrong Active Member

    Ok. If you don't want to listen to my whining please leave now.

    Im a boy, 19years old.
    I have been depressed from I was 13 until 18, and then I got a little better.
    I'v had a girlfriend for 3 years, and we broke up about 10 months ago.
    I can't seem to get over her, and everything I do and everywhere I am, I find something to remind me of her. I am so criticaly fucked up in my head about this, so i don't go out of my room. I have friends, but just to get there is hard.
    What's weird is that I was okey until Xmas 2009 ( I quit my medication..COINCIDENCE?) and this shit is really starting to take off now. I feel like im going back in my old depressive tracks, and that kills me, it makes me so sad and hurt. I loved my girlfriend, and I probably still do, but I want to get over her, I don't want her back. The feelings I have around her is all about Self-blaming & missing, mistly self-blame, allthough I know I didn't do anything wrong, I keep thinking back and analyzing things, how I could have been different and so on, and I can't seem to stop doing it!!!! I am usually good from the afternoon/evening, but the mornings are just unlivable. Also, I dream about her all the time, and it's killing me, I hate dreaming about her, cause you know, it's these romantic dreams / sex and so on, and that's like the worst thing ever to wake up in the middle of the night with, if you know what I mean. I am going to start taking my medicine again, because I think it lowers my emotions.

    What I am trying to say is that, it frustrates me, and I am AFRAID of never getting over her, I am so afraid... The thought of being afraid of that kinda makes the feelings even stronger. I just have to know if I'm the only one with this kind of long recurring sorrow.... I have been through SO many hard periods in my life and I don't feel like it's deserved for me to end up with this sorrow/depression shit.

    Any tips or help would be great, I have concidered suicide so many times in my life, but I have always pushed on, and I don't want to give up now, so PLEASE, say that I'm not gonna be like this forever....

    :sad:
     
  2. redemption

    redemption Active Member

    It does feel like it's gonna last forever, I'm having the feeling right now, I was only with my ex for 1.5 years but lived together for 2 years, it took me over 2 years before I felt fit to date anyone again, I've been hurt serveral times after her and before her aswell, but I have to belive that someday I'll find someone that it will work with. my thread if you care to read it http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=76934
     
  3. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    i am sorry that you suffer long periods of depression as they can be just so draining - i have had and get chronic depression - and it affects your whole system - it can be painful just taking small step after small step - fearing that the next moment you may feel depressed and that it will last a long time . . . .feeling so sorrowful shows how deep your heart is and your connection to other people's energy - you sound very sensitive - have you got things in your daily routine that you could do even if your feeling terrible that will build up your reserves of energy slowly? such as good food and drinking plenty of water - perhaps going for a walk in the fresh air each day - time for you that is special - not every experience will be positive but as you build up holistic arrays of tips you will automatically reassure yourself that you can transform negative energy into positive energy . . . .close relationships such as you describe have an innate potential to leave/cause long lingering depressions - they are/have been so all consuming and there is no perfect time that it should take someone to "get over another person" so its about connecting with other positive energy experiences and then riding out the painful times if you find yourself waking from an intense dream or having strong longings and memories . . . its lifelong management as life peaks and troughs - i still sometimes have really vivid dremas about my very first boyfriend from years ago and i feel such strong negative and positive emotions it can feel overwhelming - then i think gosh i am not even going to be able to talk to him about this - so i try and link how i feel to my own development - like dreams are to do with; and find someone to talk to or ponder on it myselfno-one deserves the depression you feel - please nourish your body as much as you can - because it sounds as if you have depleted your energy reserves and need to relax and stop being so hard on yourself - try to connect with the natural world around you and after you have recognised any negative feelings you have - send positive energy out there to never stop seeking help and think loving thoughts even if you cannot be with that person - its important that you stay safe and restedenerjii
     
  4. SowrongSowrong

    SowrongSowrong Active Member

    erejii: Thanks for your great answer. I Know. I kinda know what I have to do, but somedays It doesn't work, it just doesn't. Spring/Summer/Autumn I Always take a walk every late evening, which helps. But In Norway it's cold now, too cold to go for walks, it's just not possible if you don't want to freeze to death.

    I don't really know what I feel for her anymore, actually I don't know if I even love her. Maybe what I feel is somekind of regret for everything that went wrong and so on, but I don't think you ever stop loving someone you have been that close to for 3 years, BUT I think the love get's weaker with time, and much easier to handle, allthough the last months, mine just feels like it's been getting stronger -_-

    It seems like there is like a connection between the love/missing & depression that makes it all stronger.

    How it burns....the pain is so terrible.
     
  5. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    sorry i did not know you were in Norway!! apologies ooops - i guess it must be more than freewzing - thanks so much for your reply it was brill - but you are right sometimes things still seem only to have very limited effects if seemingly none at all and sometimes positive inputs seem to have negative effects~~~~~anyway . . .
    yes its wierd - when with time passing and mature hindsight - the love actually gets stronger again because you appreciate and realise things you never did and with space and time - even understand things like never before - yes i believe that depression and pining for some etc are all signals to the body to act and retreive the love and keep that process going - so when this becomes almost unbearable if i cant find a way to do it - i try to send my love to that person by writing things down or meditating and sending them positive loving vibes-i prob sound bit hippyish now!!!;)
    yes - it does burn and i get the sick feeling and feel drained and "trudgy" and even my skin dries out and i feel ill - its such a stress reaction - and the adrenaline depletion makes it so much worse as no-one should be in such a state for too long - sometimes i feel so tired and think OMG - this love thing is so tiring - when it goes well you feel healed and energised and renewed and then whence it does not you feel all th opposites!
    apologies - as in my last post there were typos as usual that i didnt even see to correct - i am dyslexic - and so "dremas" meant "dreams"!

    enerjii