love santa suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by matt-j-h, Dec 29, 2009.

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  1. matt-j-h

    matt-j-h New Member

    Hi there

    I'm posting with a pretty strange request. I need to talk to someone about love. Over the last year or so I've pretty much decided to go for suicide. Obviously it's not something I've taken lightly - it took a while to get to the conclusion, and I don't want anyone to be hurt so I'm going to make it look like an accident (there's a notoriously dangerous stretch of cliff-top road where I live - 9 fatalities in the last year!)

    If I think hard about it, I guess the main reason is that I don't think believe in love anymore, and without love everything else seems kind of meaningless: we fuck to have kids and carry on the species or whatever, make money to ensure the well-being of our offspring... you know. It's not that I hate or dislike my wife (I raised my life insurance a few months back...) but it's just that I've realised we don;t LOVE each other - and how can we? There's really no such thing as love. It's like I used to believe in Santa and when I was four and my uncle told me Santa was a lie, I was devastated. And then when I was about 16 I realised God was completely implausible. And so all I had left was love. But I guess love is just something people made up to sell pop songs to teenagers. I'm 35 now and life is more practical than that. My wife wants me to stay in my design career even though I hate it, so we can have kids. And it's not that I disagree with her - kids are important and I can change careers later. It's just that it's all biological for her. That, and I've realised love doesn't exist.

    Anyway, I've decided an 'accident' is best for me (I'm typing this from an internet caf, if you're wondering). I'm giving it until Feb and then I'm going to bug out. I guess I'm just writing in case anyone has heard of any concrete arguments for the existence of love, because I think it's all BS. And without it, I feel like a complete tool, a cog in evolution. I'm pretty sure love is about as real as the tooth fairy.

    Sorry to bother you if you think I'm being too negative or something.
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    This may sound corny, but I'm going to ask you whether you love yourself? Because if you don't, then it's very damn difficult to either love someone else or allow someone else to love you. Maybe the question is irrelevant to you, but I'd be interested to know what you think.

    And I'm glad you've given yourself some time before you go ahead with your plans - maybe by posting on here, being heard, reading how others feel, you might just get to change your mind - I hope so anyway :smile:
  3. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I think you may be confused with what love really is. What would you do if a random house robber puts a gun to your wife's head? If you'd go as far as risking your own life to help her you love her, I'm sure she'd do the same for you.

    Money is something humans pursue to survive with the help of loved ones, a family is supposed to be a tight knit unit. Where did you get the idea that all humans are all self-centred greedy cows only chasing after their own needs? Sorry, but you need to open your eyes!
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    You know my opinion, matt.
    I'll just say once more for the record; love is real-- if it weren't, I wouldn't be wanting to die because I'm not wanted by the man that I love anymore.
    I don't want money-- I never did.
    I don't make love in order to procreate-- but to make the man I love feel good.
    If love didn't exist, I'd have just moved on already but instead I sit in my room and worry, cry myself to sleep and wish I'd never met him and never fell in love.
    I'm young, yes- but I've experienced all there is to this feeling of love and to the crushing pain of it's ending.

    I would rather live in a shack with no money- not a penny to my name and be with him; than be a millionaire without a true love.
    It's real. It's real and it fucking hurts. That's just the way life is.
  5. matt-j-h

    matt-j-h New Member

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. It's helped clarify my thoughts. But I guess I can't answer the question of whether I love myself or not (I'm not dumb or ugly or anything - not that I know of!) because I don't know what love is. I mean, I'm not some kind of sociopath - I feel all of those emotions, infatuation, lust, brotherly feelings, wanting the best for people - all of that from time to time. Well, not very often recently, but you know... I just don't think those feelings are enough to go on with. I think I'm kidding myself if I just carry on as per normal. I feel like I'm lying to myself.

    If a random house-robber puts a gun to my wife's head? Sure, I'll risk my life. Only a real arsehole wouldn't. But I'd be doing it for many reasons - responsibility, respect for her, knowing the value of her life, not wanting to be a coward, affection and habit, instinct to protect.

    I don't see what love has to do with it. For me love is just a word people use for something they want. No wonder people use the word alot when they can't have something/somebody. I know people are so enchanted by the concept of love, but it's not real. It's like Santa.

    So yeah. It's still Skipper's Canyon Road for me in Feb. But thanks anyway. I'll check back from time to time over the month.
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