love vs not giving a shit

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by yeh., Jul 24, 2007.

  1. yeh.

    yeh. Well-Known Member

    might trigger so w/e-

    so well, im not sure why im here..i've exhausted every god damned place.
    so anyways at some point on my life shit happened, and i lost contact with myself for saying so, and suddenly i can't communicate the way i'd like and it's getting boring.

    so i don't know if i love humans too much (with few exceptions) or i just not give a damn anymore, i don't know how to explain this feeling, except that i think that cause of being lovely i tried to explain things at cost of my personality (if i had one) some people tell me i do have one, shrugs, the BPD dilemma. im nto even sure if im BPD.

    anyways sometimes i can't get rid of this melancholy and i do hate it whe i tell my loved ones that i love them.

    it's like i want a time.machine, who doesn't hu? also i kind of lost time,..my memory doesn't works to well..im detached from emotions,for example if i go out and come back home and wake up (after some crappy dreams) it's like i didn't went out.

    i don't know, i can't get rid of the thought that i woud like to go back, so i haven0t get over it the fact that all i've got is the present now; and i open up a few stuff somewhere else and that guy really pissed me off, i just want the beat the shit out of him. but it's fucking dumb cause his intention is being funny..but some topics piss me off..fucking asshole , anyways.

    So all in all, i want a time-machine, even though i'd like to go back and tell myself so and so. all i wanted was to love. i even gave up my sociopathic self, cause i found something i said triggered me back. it feels nice to feel, but im filled with melancholy.

    So well, is just a rant, and a death wish. i miss my old self, i was fun even though in pain.
    and people loves me. and also i lost the drive to kill myself, but i've got a death wish..so strong..like my work here it's done. like i did what i could. and that the joys of my life have vanished..i loved it. i got a death wish just so i could go back, but i reckon i don't know exactly to what time..maybe my womb. i also forgave kurt cobain, but it wasn't his fault that i liked him.
    (or identified for saying so) just a vent, i wake up every morning feeling like i need fucking lithium.
    why cant we just die on our dreams? like after a while god tells us.. ok..you didn't got over it. or ok you don't enjoy this shit anymore..im trying..

    i've seen two crash accidents, and i was there waiting to see their souls departing..but they survived, a part of me wished i was there (they were not severely wounded) apart of me didn't gave a shit, and i saw people walking by, and just a young lovely boy was there helping like it was her mother..it reminded me of myself, when i used to care now i dont give a shit, melancholy is like fading out, even this forum seems irreal, this age..and i dont seem to give a shit anymore. vv
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2007