Love you didn't get when you needed it most

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by morfea, Jan 15, 2011.

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  1. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    can never be replaced?
    Would you agree?

    If you were abused in childhood, didn't get love and support from your parents, how can anyone else give you that? Therapists say it can be done, but I feel like damaged goods that can never be repaired. I think that's the main reason for my life time depression and no therapist yet showed me how to overcome that feeling. And no one invented the pill for it yet.
    But, maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there who made peace with abusive parents? I forgive them, not blaming them any more, I'm sure they did best they could, but I feel it's a scar that will always effect me no matter what I try.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I'm treading carefully here, having never been in such a situation thank heavens, but I think it's possible for others to step in to at least partially fill in the gaps. The thing is that life doesn't come with a manual, so we often feel like damaged goods because we perceive ourselves to be dysfunctional - when actually we're just responding as humans...

    Hmmm - think that made more sense on the inside of my head...
  3. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    It makes sense in a way that we're all humans, worthy of love and respect whether functional or not. I don't consider myself as less worthy, as I used to for years, but dysfunctional - yes. When depression hits me hard I don't look after myself, or my children, home, etc the way I usually do. What's the trigger that makes me go either way, fall deep into depression or get out of it, I don't know.
    That manual sounds like a really good idea, although I don't think it will be written soon :(
  4. Untouchable

    Untouchable Well-Known Member

    I completely agree.

    I too grew up in an abusive environment...My parents were never supportive, I was continuously called problematic and worthless, and kept hearing how they were ashamed to have me as their child.

    The damage it's had on my self esteem is indescribable. I don't think I'll ever get over it. In fact, 80% of the things I can't bring myself to do, are because my parents kept trying to convince me I was incapable of anything at all. That I was useless. It all has left heavy marks on me and they won't ever go away....If I ever have children (which I doubt) I'll never put them through this...Children deserve to be shown love and support...If not, it will traumatize them for the rest of their life, just like it did to me...
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i also feel like damaged goods. or sometimes it's more like feeling like a space alien here on this planet of humans. i was abused as a child as well. i don't know if it will ever get better. i'm starting an intensive trauma program in september, i'm hoping that sharing with other women who were abused will help me feel less alone. that's the worst part, for me, of feeling damaged. the loneliness.
  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Gretchen, I didn't want to have children either, but they "happened" and I'm really proud of them, they're the only thing I've done right in my life. They're 17 and 19 now, never ran away from home or attempted suicide like I did in teen years, and I think they have just about the right amount of self esteem.

    Catherine, why must you wait until September? Although, that's better than nothing I guess. Loneliness is killing me too lately, I think I'm in such a desperate need for relationship because I feel the need for compensating, again. Didn't feel it for a few years and now it's back.
  7. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Although some abused people can still find love, I don't think it can ever truly 'fix' you. Having said that, my sister is now married with a two year old daughter, and so happy. She still has problems, and always will, but her new family has gone a long way to helping her overcome her childhood abuse and neglect.

    For myself, I can't imagine ever getting over it. I cannot forgive for what I experienced, which is perhaps why I find relationships so hard. Maybe one day I will find peace though.

  8. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Stresses suffered in childhood do create permanent psychiatric changes in all but the most resilient people. I suffer chronic extreme anxiety and depressions exacerbated by abuse but my brother doesn't have either condition.

    We have to completely forgive the people or the unfortunate situation that harmed us but we never have to deny that harm is very real. Therapy gives us the tools to adapt to our permanently changed selves. The compassionate friends and family in our lives today make up for those rightful, lost moments of love and nurture.
  9. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    dont really get love myself.. mums too busy chasing after my brother though in her own words he's her biggest disappointment in life.. brothers a volatile tempermental fool who keeps getting me yelled at by dad, since im the oldest and hence responsible for his actions. sisters too young to really be considered, 13, but she thinks im inferior, too ugly to be presentable in public.. so no love really, nothng to fall back on except pets lol, and my friends, when they can spare any time... dont know if thats affected my ability to love though.. i always feel like theres so much for me to give.. just no one to claim it, or no one that cares for my love... idk if that makes sense.. :?
  10. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hello, whilst am shure my parents where not that abusive as peoples here i did not get much love either (or so i feel)

    but wanted to ask something (hope its not triggering)
    why is forgiveing considered something to do?
    (for me i feel its more healing to put the bad things in the bad box and act accordingly, its not k, like yah its human nature and its the unforgivable side of it....)
    i feel abusive people r not to be forgiven and I find it contradicting, if someone mistreated u to forgive ....and try to feel good about yourself while accepting a wrong
    i mean most people deem abuse unacceptable on a moral level ....and i though people thet went thro it would be even more militant about it
    I mean how can one be at peace accepting something like that?
    Like what if all the writes and activists would forgive everything?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2011
  11. snowlvr

    snowlvr New Member

    I "get' what everyone is saying...I was abused as a child and there's no doubt in my mind it messed me up big time, when I left home I wandered around different cities, I totally thought I was useless, ugly, you name it, now I do realize I was searching for love, somedays I feel better than others but on the bad days the whole you are useless, disgusting, worthless feelings come right back out, I hate it and it hurts so much, I sit and bawl my eyes out feeling totally crazy, I have to get it out, my mother was not there when i felt she should have been...we were basically thrown under the bus...and it broke my heart..literally, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship with a very bad "marriage" right now...I love my daughter with all my heart, no question, she is the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Everything just hurts, I feel soooo damaged, seen so many therapists, I'm a mess.
  12. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I don't think that you have to forgive necessarily, but probably good to let go of it so it doesn't keep hurting you.

    I don't think the hurt ever goes away completely, but you can find good things in your life that make you feel like life is worth living
  13. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I LOVE YOU HURT LITTLE KITTY KAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    I WANT YOUR LOVE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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