"Love yourself and enjoy being single?"

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by BrooklynBuc, Mar 19, 2015.

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  1. BrooklynBuc

    BrooklynBuc New Member

    What a load of garbage.

    For years everyone has given me the same advice over and over again. I found it frustrating how different can say the same thing, and say it with abandoning and nonchalant tones at that. Well, after 15 years, I’ve found out what they mean.

    For years, I have attempted to date everywhere I've lived. All told, I had my first kiss at 14, my first girlfriend at 17 and…well…none of your business. From 17 to 35, I’ve had a childhood’s worth of attempts to find love and happiness that would last and I have failed miserably. From saying stupid things to simply dating just to date someone, I have failed miserably.

    For those of you that told me to stop looking and wait for the right one to come along, I’m sorry to say that hasn’t happened yet. For many people they give me the lovely clique “I stopped looking and the right person came at the right time.” These are also women who’ve told me this. Attractive women at that; ones that value their time alone because they get so much rare time alone. They get hit on at work; they get hit on while riding the subway; they get hit on any and everywhere they go, so of course they value their alone time.

    People fail to realize that I’ve spent an entire lifetime ALONE. I grew up in a household where my parents regularly wouldn’t be home for long periods of time. My mother with a sick and needy sister; my father with a government job; and a non-existent extended family. I work an overnight job by myself. I live with roommates who don’t hang out regularly. I’ve built a business and credentials by myself. Hell, I’ve built entire projects by myself with barely any full-time help from anyone. I don’t need more alone time; I have some to spare in fact!

    With no extended family, parents who are too far and too old to see regularly, and friends who are now finding their soulmates and marriage partners, I’m finding myself on the outside looking in. Everyone will soon disappear from my life and I will once again be alone; having to find new friends and new co-workers. Work used to be my solace. However, I find in my increasing age that even that isn’t enough to curtail the pains of depression and aging. I find myself thinking about death more often than ever, the afterlife, and what comes next. Maybe it’s my hope that the next life offers a more normal routine, where I would want to have children and a normal home and a normal life somewhere quiet.

    Where does this leave me now? Well…I’ve contemplated suicide for a long time. I’ve contemplated leaving where I live and starting from scratch with a new life and a new identity. I contemplated going back to my awful remaining family and maybe hooking up with women from my past, helping with their problems. And lastly there’s always sticking it out here and “wait for the right one to come along.” I’ve never sat around and gotten anything in my life, so it’s hard to think that this particular life-plaguing problem will be solved by sitting down and choosing not to be depressed and choosing not to be lonely. I mean…I could fake it, right? I could just smile and act like nothing’s wrong and everything will be fine, right? I’m an actor, or I used to be, right? It’s that easy to fake emotion and not let it hurt?!

    What's worse is that I can't vent about to ANYONE I know. They're tired of hearing it. They give the same lame-ass excuses I've heard a million times. And then they get mad when I get mad for telling them I've heard a million times.

    I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of trying dating website after dating website. I'm tired of my so-called friends not helping. I'm tired of being rejected and rejected and having to feel guilty for even asking. And I'm really tired of being told to "enjoy being single." What IS there to enjoy? Living alone? Not having someone to talk to? The freedom to go drink myself into a coma without anyone to answer to.

    I'm seriously ready to die. It hurts and nobody cares.
  2. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    I sometimes get this piece of advice myself. While i agree with the 'Love yourself' part, saying 'Enjoy being single' to a lonely person makes about as much sense as saying 'Enjoy being in pain' to anyone who isn't a masochist.
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Loving yourself doesn't mean having to be by yourself.

    Loving yourself is knowing and accepting yourself. That means knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your best and your worst, and the good, bad and the ugly. When you know and accept these about who you are and not what you are, then it's easier to know what you want and recognize and accept it when you find that same love in someone else who also accepts your weaknesses, at your worst, the bad and the ugly about you.

    So you haven't found someone else yet. Maybe there's something missing about yourself that you can be working on meanwhile. You never know when you might meet the right person, and it would be a shame to be bitter and not receptive and not open, to not be ready when you do meet someone, because you spent your alone time wallowing about being alone, instead of being alive.

    You don't need to enjoy being alone, but you should take advantage of it and use this time to prepare for when you are in a relationship. You'll know who you are, what you like about your life, things that make you interesting and make you a good significant other to someone else.

    I opened a fortune cookie and got one of those, you know, "fortunes," words of wisdom or what have you. It read "the best way to make good friends is to be one."
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2015
  4. BrooklynBuc

    BrooklynBuc New Member

    Wow. I feel kind of insulted by that reply.

    Even though my friends have tired of my complaining of being single, it doesn't mean I'm not a good friend to them. I still have lots of fun with my friends, but it's that now they're in couples now. In fact, just last night I was literally the 9th wheel in a board game night. The only single guy with 4 couples. It was fun but secretly horrible.

    Also, what DO people to "prepare them for a relationship?" It's not like I'm training for an MMA fight here. You're literally quoting one of those stupid platitudes like everyone else. I know exactly what I like, I know where I'm going in my life and I know how to treat people. It's like preparing for anything competitive: you can be ready for anything and still lose\be shocked.

    So thanks for that lovely and worthless and insulting reply. Good to know I can come to a forum looking for some semblance of sympathy and to have a voice and get the same stock answers out a fortune cookie.
  5. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Your attitude is really unpleasant and unreceptive. Good luck.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    And with that type of receptive attitude of somebody that actually takes the time to talk to somebody and post a reply (that you may be making assumptions about but that perhaps is not in a very different position themselves) it is abundantly clear why you are having a hard time meeting new people and making any type of significant connection with them. Rudeness seldom is responded to well and if this is an example of your social interactions then yes, you do have plenty to work on. You complain to your friends and get angry about their replies - why? Because you do not like the advice? The fact you do not like the advice (from people that are IN relationships) and get hostile really explains the WHY you are not in a relationship.

    What do you want for replies ? Certainly you are not asking for advice, and if you are just asking for support and condolences then let people know that is all you want. Being rude to people you do not know that offer their time is an excellent way o make sure you have lots of time alone. As might be starting to get clear from the number of years your post implies this has been going on. Yes, I would say that there is plenty a person can do to get ready for a relationship as you have made so poignantly clear.

    If you decide you whether want advice or support please make clear which and start a new thread so that people have an idea how to respond, and perhaps if the advice is not to your taste you say thank you (or nothing) and wait for other rather than attack somebody for taking their time offering you support.
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