What a load of garbage. For years everyone has given me the same advice over and over again. I found it frustrating how different can say the same thing, and say it with abandoning and nonchalant tones at that. Well, after 15 years, I’ve found out what they mean. For years, I have attempted to date everywhere I've lived. All told, I had my first kiss at 14, my first girlfriend at 17 and…well…none of your business. From 17 to 35, I’ve had a childhood’s worth of attempts to find love and happiness that would last and I have failed miserably. From saying stupid things to simply dating just to date someone, I have failed miserably. For those of you that told me to stop looking and wait for the right one to come along, I’m sorry to say that hasn’t happened yet. For many people they give me the lovely clique “I stopped looking and the right person came at the right time.” These are also women who’ve told me this. Attractive women at that; ones that value their time alone because they get so much rare time alone. They get hit on at work; they get hit on while riding the subway; they get hit on any and everywhere they go, so of course they value their alone time. People fail to realize that I’ve spent an entire lifetime ALONE. I grew up in a household where my parents regularly wouldn’t be home for long periods of time. My mother with a sick and needy sister; my father with a government job; and a non-existent extended family. I work an overnight job by myself. I live with roommates who don’t hang out regularly. I’ve built a business and credentials by myself. Hell, I’ve built entire projects by myself with barely any full-time help from anyone. I don’t need more alone time; I have some to spare in fact! With no extended family, parents who are too far and too old to see regularly, and friends who are now finding their soulmates and marriage partners, I’m finding myself on the outside looking in. Everyone will soon disappear from my life and I will once again be alone; having to find new friends and new co-workers. Work used to be my solace. However, I find in my increasing age that even that isn’t enough to curtail the pains of depression and aging. I find myself thinking about death more often than ever, the afterlife, and what comes next. Maybe it’s my hope that the next life offers a more normal routine, where I would want to have children and a normal home and a normal life somewhere quiet. Where does this leave me now? Well…I’ve contemplated suicide for a long time. I’ve contemplated leaving where I live and starting from scratch with a new life and a new identity. I contemplated going back to my awful remaining family and maybe hooking up with women from my past, helping with their problems. And lastly there’s always sticking it out here and “wait for the right one to come along.” I’ve never sat around and gotten anything in my life, so it’s hard to think that this particular life-plaguing problem will be solved by sitting down and choosing not to be depressed and choosing not to be lonely. I mean…I could fake it, right? I could just smile and act like nothing’s wrong and everything will be fine, right? I’m an actor, or I used to be, right? It’s that easy to fake emotion and not let it hurt?! What's worse is that I can't vent about to ANYONE I know. They're tired of hearing it. They give the same lame-ass excuses I've heard a million times. And then they get mad when I get mad for telling them I've heard a million times. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of trying dating website after dating website. I'm tired of my so-called friends not helping. I'm tired of being rejected and rejected and having to feel guilty for even asking. And I'm really tired of being told to "enjoy being single." What IS there to enjoy? Living alone? Not having someone to talk to? The freedom to go drink myself into a coma without anyone to answer to. I'm seriously ready to die. It hurts and nobody cares.