Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by malack, Feb 10, 2010.

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  1. malack

    malack Active Member

    I fell in love with a boy. He was beautiful, beautiful, and he showed me happiness I've never felt in my entire life. In my darkness, his smile was my blinding light. It showered me and I felt so...I can't even describe. We even got engaged. Things started to turn, though. I don't think I noticed the warning signs until the day he date raped me. It scarred me, so badly. But he promised me it was a mistake, he didn't mean it, he was so sorry and wouldn't ever touch me like that again until i'm ready. And I believed him, and forgave him. Didn't tell a soul, didn't call the police or press charges, even though it was my...well, first sexual experiance ever. I'm still a virgin, he didn't exactly go in the front, but...still. It hurt. I couldn't sit for 2 days. Then, after that, I realized he had been giving me verbal and emotional abuse, saying whatever he wanted, belittling me, playing games with my heart. I found out he cheated on me, and not only that but bragged to people I knew about raping me (even though he made it sound consential, of course). It just got worse, and worse and worse until I fell into such a depression....
    We had a lot of bad fights, and I finally gave him back his ring and got the courage to leave him.

    But now...I know he's bad for me. I know he made me try to kill myself. I'm left now, alone, lonelier than ever, wanting to die so much I don't even have the enthuisiasm required to ATTEMPT suicide. I can't even cry most of the time. I'm in such sorrow...I MISS HIM. I don't know if i still love him, but I MISS him so much. I want him, i want him back more than anything. What can I do? I'm so scared, i'm so alone. I don't know. Someone, please. Help me.
    I still love him and I don't want to. I WANT HIM BACK.
  2. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hey, Malack. I can relate a bit to how you're feeling here. I wasn't raped nor engaged to the person I was dating at the time, but they did hurt me a hell of a lot through deciet and cheating, made me suicidal (reason I am here), and although I knew he was/is terribly bad for me, I felt as though I couldn't go on without him because I miss & loved him too much. It's not right to stay with someone simply because you're lonely, although it's tempted me so many times myself. In your case, however, he did something much worse and from what I can tell from what you've said, he isn't even that sorry about it. I know you're lonely & you feel as though being with him is better than the loneliness, or he might have changed, or you just wouldn't let yourself be hurt like that again, but the fact is, you have to face up to what he's done and realise he isn't right nor good for you.

    If you have any friends or family, distract yourself by surrounding yourself with them. Don't even think about him if you can help it, he doesn't deserve your thoughts after what he has done. If he really loved you he would never have forced himself on you like that & then bragged about it. You deserve love, and I really don't think you're going to get it from him.

    I hope you manage to get through this somehow. To an extent, I know a bit of how you're feeling. :hug:
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm useless but I've been in a similar situation, it kills me right now to realise what I went through with a couple of people.

    I know what you mean about wanting him back and still loving him. It's not stupid. He was a light in darkness and he gave you something, even if it was grotesque abuse.

    You left him and that takes a lot of courage as well as determination. That's a huge huge thing to do and can be so difficult if you're being abused in so many ways. Do you feel like it was like an addiction? In my situation, she was definitely a harmful drug for me but she kept me alive. Why do you want him back? What did he give you?
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