Hi there, not sure why i am typing this, i am not looking for kind words or a gentle hand on my shoulder "saying its going to be alright!" I hate myself with a passion, they are not empty words but the way i feel, the way i struggle for breath with such contemp for my actions in life. I cant understand it really, i have more than most, it is true, i earn more than most people i know so no financial problems. I am 42, i have been married before and have remarried 9 years ago. When i split up with my first wife (for my current one) the feelling of despair and grief was so bad as i had two young sons that i patheticly tried to overdose but was crap at that as well. i now have two young daughters who do mean the world to me so why do i feel i cannot go on anymore? i am a good Dad, my girls love me very much, i am affectionate to them and from the outside world i seem and act like i dont have a care in the world. I dont want pity from people, i am not a nice person, i have cheated on my wifes and cannot keep it in my trousers. i wonder if i am trying to get caught (which would lead to divorce) out so i can justify to myself that life is not worth living anymore. i know in all honesty that if i were to seperate, the pain that i would have caused would, could justify me ending my life. I often day dream about doing somthing heroic, saving my childrens life but dying in the process. People would still love me but i can get out of this place. i hate myself so much. Perhaps i am false, because surely if i was serious, i would just hang myself. what is stopping me? my children? my sons are older now and would be sad but not that bad, my girls would be deverstated but would learn to live without me. My wife, who i do love very much (yes i know people will say how can you if you do that to her) but i do love her. I live day to day, i cant imagine growing old, i have no desire too. Financially i know it would be bad, they would have to sell up, disruption and that makes me worry. i am on a treadmill and cannot get off. Its not that i have had a terrible upbringing, i have not, my parents and sissters are lovely what excuse do i have? none really. i am writing this at work, i feel that i am struggling to breath. dont feel sorry for me because i am not a nice person. i love my girls but feel that is not enough to live for.