loved ones!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Down in the gutter, Oct 5, 2010.

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  1. Hi there,

    not sure why i am typing this, i am not looking for kind words or a gentle hand on my shoulder "saying its going to be alright!"

    I hate myself with a passion, they are not empty words but the way i feel, the way i struggle for breath with such contemp for my actions in life.

    I cant understand it really, i have more than most, it is true, i earn more than most people i know so no financial problems.
    I am 42, i have been married before and have remarried 9 years ago. When i split up with my first wife (for my current one) the feelling of despair and grief was so bad as i had two young sons that i patheticly tried to overdose but was crap at that as well.

    i now have two young daughters who do mean the world to me so why do i feel i cannot go on anymore?

    i am a good Dad, my girls love me very much, i am affectionate to them and from the outside world i seem and act like i dont have a care in the world.

    I dont want pity from people, i am not a nice person, i have cheated on my wifes and cannot keep it in my trousers. i wonder if i am trying to get caught (which would lead to divorce) out so i can justify to myself that life is not worth living anymore.

    i know in all honesty that if i were to seperate, the pain that i would have caused would, could justify me ending my life. I often day dream about doing somthing heroic, saving my childrens life but dying in the process. People would still love me but i can get out of this place. i hate myself so much.

    Perhaps i am false, because surely if i was serious, i would just hang myself. what is stopping me? my children? my sons are older now and would be sad but not that bad, my girls would be deverstated but would learn to live without me. My wife, who i do love very much (yes i know people will say how can you if you do that to her) but i do love her.

    I live day to day, i cant imagine growing old, i have no desire too.
    Financially i know it would be bad, they would have to sell up, disruption and that makes me worry. i am on a treadmill and cannot get off.

    Its not that i have had a terrible upbringing, i have not, my parents and sissters are lovely

    what excuse do i have? none really. i am writing this at work, i feel that i am struggling to breath. dont feel sorry for me because i am not a nice person.

    i love my girls but feel that is not enough to live for.
  2. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    so, if you set aside the infidelity for a moment, would you still dislike yourself/hate yourself and would you still be unhappy?

    no aspirations, goals, passions, things that drive or move you forward? Nothing you wish to experience, see, or accomplish?
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    are you having or tried therapy for the infidelity and what treatment are you having for your depression? can I ask?
  4. Hi,

    thansk for your replies.

    reading them cements how pathetic i am.

    I have always been unfaithful, but dont think that is why i feel the way i do.

    Not sure why i am on this forum to be honest. i am looking for the impossible answers that no one can answer. really looking for justification in going ahead and someone saying to me that your family will understand and be alright.

    thanks though.
  5. I have passions, but i just let them slip away, start things and then stop midway through, i am an escapist.
    Life is easier that way. better to run than face the music.
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ah, okay. Well, i suppose if you wanted things to be different, you might pursue those passions. Nothing stopping you, i mean, such as depression, correct?

    I kind of doubt anyone here will tell you your family will understand and be alright. Many of us have lost family members and friends to suicide. It never is alright, for the one's left behind. It always hurts. Many folks who consider, even go on to complete suicide, wrongly assume the pain lessens over time and that family members will move on/forward or get over it. The pain never really eases, and oftentimes things become worse, especially when children (of any age-even adult) are involved. It can cripple for life, those left behind.

    On the other hand, there are folks here who may tell you; it's your life no sense in you being miserable...think of yourself.

    Oh, I don't find you pathetic.
  7. Hi Kali,

    thank you for your kind words, as i said in my orginnal post, i am not looking for kindness as i dont deserve them.

    i have for such a long time put up this front, this face that i can switch between them so quickly nobody would know. i am reading the posts from other people and they are genuine, not me, they have been in terrble situations, me? what have i been in? shagging around, feeling despair? everone feels that dont they?

    i often dream of being diagnosed with some life threatning cancer and only having months to live. i so wish that was true, again another cop out from yours truely. the easy way out rather than take the difficult route.

    the self loathing is eating me up, i so wish something would happen to me. Why is it important what people think of me? i am not vain but i like to be liked. i am the fat and happy face. always with a ready smile on my face, if only people knew what i am really like. i bet they would soon change thier minds
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    mmm perhaps you are a harsher judge of yourself than you would find others to be? You seem adept at kicking yourself.

    Likely you don't want to hear this, but i feel compassion. Were you someone in my personal life that i was hearing this from, i would feel compassion. Don't mistake my words as offering kindness to you, as you were very clear about this...i heard you. If you need a hug from one of us, you can ask.

    Do you think you have to have some horrible reason that prompted you to feel the way you do? You don't acknowledge your feelings of despair to be genuine, unless there is some compelling situation that prompted those feelings? You know, people feel what they's all real. If you feel don't need some "excuse" for feeling that way...those feelings are still very real and just as valid.

    if you hurt/feel pain, perhaps are feeling miserable, you don't have to have some outside excuse for's okay. It's the way you feel. It's valid.

    i still don't think folks would change their minds about how they felt about you, at least nothing as radical as you might believe. I've just not heard anything yet, that would turn most people away.
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