Loveless, lost and lonely.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Charyou, Jul 5, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Charyou

    Charyou New Member

    In a world where so many are lonely and In pain, I found this forum no different. So many stories, so much pain. A darkness on the edge of one's vision. I would tell my story but there isn't time. I would share my pain, but the pain is mine alone and I have no right to heap it on another's shoulders.

    My name is David, I am sixteen. I have not had a good life. I do not life well. I hurt. I lost my friends after a change of school, and scince the I have been lonely. I feel alone and empty. I push away those who would help me.
    I have been through various experiences that have badly sapped my will to live, amoung them the all time favourite-bullying.

    Last year was not a good year. I steadially got worse until it got to the point where I was breaking down almost constantly. Last year almost to the day I decided to commit suicide. It was just another summer's day and when I got home I decided enough was enough. I took pills. Many of them and I waited for it to end. Then, I felt an incredible guilt over what I was doing and rushed to the kitchen and drink about a pint of milk to counteract the affects of the pills (milk lines the stomach). In the end my mother found out and forced me to wretch and in general pounded the drugs out of my system. Then she insisted I take councilling. I did.

    The next few months were good-I was happier though still lonely and became a Christian. I was baptised and confirmed recently. I soon realised that the previous attempt was a cry for help. I had made a few half hearted attempts before than but none had succeeded. Once I had the help, I felt better.

    Scince then I have taken a major downturn. I am more isolated than ever and now suffer an eating disorder. I have realised that I have truly had enough, I don't want to live anymore. I hurt. I am a deep thinker and I know the concequences of such an action and its effect upon my family. The fact is, I am already causing hurt now.

    What caused my downturn was the simple fact that I realised that I no longer loved. Love is at the center of my beliefs as a Christian and I believed that love was something that could save me. I cast it off. I do not love anymore. I do not care about anything, I only hate. My family did not react much when it found out about how i tried to end my life, I so no reason not to do so if all I am to them is a burden. I am meaningless, half a human being in a shell with not a kernal of love or feeling within me. I am disspassionate, alone and cold. Life is a monotonous climb and experience that I want no part of, I only want to sleep.

    The worst part is, faith, hope and love abide. I have none.
  2. ChronoCrusade

    ChronoCrusade Member

    hi david, i find that we're really similar. ur 16 and i'm 17. u lost ur friends cuz u transferred school.
    i lost all my friends and family because i moved to a new country. i am a christian for few years. there r numerous times where i denied the existence of God, love and hope. many times, i was unable to control my grief, and cried unknowingly. i've walked the same path as u did, denying everything, and don't care about anything else, not even myself. i felt that my heart was so cold that i could freeze the whole world. i do in fact wanted to kill myself. the other day, i was feeling really down, and was searching for the best method to commit suicide online, and that's when i came upon this forum. i was actually surprised at how many people share the same pain like me. so then, i found courage to live on again because so many people,like u and me, need our help. suicide is just a cowardly way to escape from reality (tho i don't know wut reality is anymore). when u feel commiting suicide, think of those who are in much worse shape than u, and yet they fought on and thrived. think of the people in Africa who still live in poverty. i'm sure their lives aren't better than ours, and yet they didn't give up. one time i watched the show Extreme Home Makeover. there was a girl who was born with hole in her heart. she went through several major operations on her heart before the age of 7. on those operations, she almost died several times. right now, she's still a cheerful and optimistic girl. The doctor said she won't be able to live pass age 7, and yet she's like 9 or 10 years old, i can't remember. the point is she never gave up. her home was poor, and her room needs to be air tight to keep dusts away. when reporters asked her how she survived all these painful years, she simply said:"i just wonna live to see the sun shine and breath the sweet ocean air." when i was watching it, i did my best to hold my tears. i saw another story just as inspiring as this one, but i forgot the details. anywayz, if u can't find love now, i'm sure u'll find it later. there's are people out there who cares about us, we just haven't met them yet. so till then, do ur best and don't give up okay? maybe we could help each other out and become friends
  3. Charyou

    Charyou New Member

    Thankyou. The fact that there are so many worse of than me is one of my primary reasons for feeling guilty. I have studied all these problems in depth during various courses at school. My own reason for no longer wanting to live is that for the first time I have realised the true extent of my uselessnes and my inability to live as I should do. I know the arguments. Knowing them just makes me feel worse.
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    ChronoCrusade has said everything that needs to be said. It's true, there are people out there who will love you. You might not find them now but you will if you keep on going. Thats the thing about life, if you decide to commit suicide then how will you ever find love and friendship. Keep believing and let the self belief take you into life.

    All the best.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.