Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xan, Aug 20, 2011.

  1. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    (Was going to put this in the relationship forum... but it's just me ranting, so thought here might be a bit more appropriate)

    I've been a member nearly 5 years now. When I joined I'd only ever been with one girl, my first love. Before I'd been with her I was sure I'd never have anyone, that I wasn't worthy of it, after the relationship ended it hurt and I felt like I'd never have anything like that again.

    Years have gone by. I've loved I've lost, always seeking anyone who could make the loneliness subside, keep me from being who I am when I'm alone. I feel like each time a little piece of my heart has been chipped away....

    I'm not sure I can even feel love for anyone anymore. I just broke up with my girlfriend who I've been with for a year and feel... nothing. I slept with another girl a few days after and still feel nothing, maybe a little dirty...

    I look back at the man I'd promised myself I'd be. That I'd be kind, chivalrous, honest, decent, kind... I feel like my soul has been smudged till I don't even know what those things mean, let alone how to be them.

    I think deep down though... that this is better, eternal emptyness to save me the pain of a broken heart. All it costs me is my ability to feel love.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hun your self esteem has been kicked around some you can get therapy to heal some hun I do hope one day you will find the love you search for hugs
  3. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear...what happened could be classified as abuse to your self esteem.

    Would a therapist work? They help so much...

    Please know I'm here if you would like to talk.

  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Oh Xan, how my thoughts are with you. Every word resonated deep within me.
    Done some searching myself since the mother of my children chose another, nearly killed myself over my own mistakes and my part in the divorce.
    Have you become any of the things you promised yourself?
    Just by your text and the feelings within it............. I think you have, hope so anyway and lets be honest about always can have a tomorrow to keep on, keeping on.
    I feel you are still searching for her, thats got to stop mate.
    You talk of some of your heart chipping away.....yep get that.
    I have had loads of sex since i lost her, trouble is, that bit is easy, its the bit that gets your heart to the bedroom door that matters, thats more difficult.
    So put away your own chisel, I know it feels nice but it always cuts deep.
    I don't know your story, but if there is any guilt involved over her, then the only way to forgive yourself or her even, is try to not replicate any mistakes again.
    Thats easier said than done, we never know how an old situation may rear its ugly head and how we may react.
    Still trying to figure it out me, i think that liking yourself and doing little things that show that, is the first thing needed to enjoy one's one company.
    When you become whole again, you can give a piece away.
    I think we are both missing a slice or two, I am going to make some more...... maybe you could too.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Awww I wish I could find someone to sleep with as easily as you do :tongue: .

    In all seriousness... it sounds like you need to learn to be content on your own. It sounds like you are looking to fill all the voids in your life with another person. In the end that will fail and you will be apathetic to the relationship.

    Instead of viewing a relationship as an escape from loneliness. You need to view it more as someone is there to share in your life.