Loving in vain

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by mpang123, Nov 26, 2013.

  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    It's been awhile since I logged in here. I am still suffering in my heart about this neighbor who shared an intimate relationship over 2 yrs. ago. It has fizzled out because this "fling" was only that-a fling. I was the one who got hurt and he left me with no closure and just left me hanging. I have been struggling for so long and beat myself up in the head for why do I still love this guy after what he's done to me? Although he was always sweet to me, he never saw me as a girlfriend and my heart broke when I finally woke up and smelled the roses. It was never meant to be-only for sex. I regret so much for ever even getting involved with him the way it did and I can't forgive myself and forgive him either. I hold a resentment in my heart everytime I hear about him from a neighbor and anything that reminds me of him. I know I have to move on but I think I'm sick in the head. I am obsessed about him and I know that is my mental illness playing with me. How else can I justify why I still fantasize about him after he's hurt me so bad? I'm crazy!
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sometimes when we really feel something for someone, there are a lot of things that can happen and we still can have the feelings. I feel saddened though that you cannot forgive yourself. What did you do wrong? From what you wrote I saw nothing you did wrong. And yet you are blaming yourself. :hug: I understand self blame. Believe me I do. I am a champion of it. But still it is a sad thing.

    Do you have a therapist? Because these are some pretty painful feelings you are talking about. I am glad you are posting here about it. And I hope you can get some irl support and help as well. Because you deserve it.

    i came from a background where I was sort of starved for love. So I kinda would want a guy back no matter how he had treated me... sometimes. Either way, I hope you can hear me when I say that from what you have written I dont see a thing that you did wrong. I do not see where you did anything that you would have to forgive yourself for. (not the best grammar. Sorry :( ) :hug: :hugtackles:
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I saw a quote that reminded me of what you wrote. Its by Bob Marley. ya man :)

    “The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” ― Bob Marley

    Mpang, you do deserve better. Even though I know you care about him. and I SO do know what that feels like.
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Yes, Flowers. The reason I feel guilt and shame about the so-called relationship is that we both made a mutual agreement before we started engaging is that it is just a sexual relationship with no strings attached. He said that if I started having feelings for him, then we need to stop and just be friends. Well, I began to have feelings for him and never told him until I started getting obsessed about him and eventually I ended up being hurt. I finally broke down and told my neighbor about him and she told me that he doesn't want a relationship and that he's just taking advantage of my vulnerability. If I never consented in the beginning, I never would have been in this predicament. However, it's my fault that I didn't stick to my end of the bargain. I blame myself for letting him into my heart and I am so hurt that he doesn't have any feelings for me. I'm so embarrassed about this and everyday I'm reminded of him and I'm so disturbed and uneasy remembering what it used to be that will never be. That's why I can't forgive myself. I played with fire and got burnt.
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    mpang, I am wondering if you would judge someone else so harshly if she got involved in good faith, then had feelings but of course and understandably didnt tell him. And then the obsessive feelings where there? I believe you might feel compassion rather than condemnation for that person. Thats what I feel for you. I believe it could have been I ( in eralier years) or many people who found themselves in this situation of falling for him after thinking it could just be friends with benefits. As far as obsessive thoughts, thats pain. your pain. You went into this in good faith. Someone who needed to feel something. And ended up feeling something else. And then went into an obsessive thought pattern.... which might include some obsessive self blame and condemnation as well. I do not see where this is your fault. I really dont. :hug:

    Having said that, you can use this situation to your benefit and healing if you could find a therapist to help you work through the feelings. When feelings thoughts etc such as this come up, ( including the condemnation and anger toward yorself, which is something I specialize in) people can always use it as a way to do healing on a deep level, if we can work on it with a therapist. I am sorry for the pain you are in, mpang. Thats a lot of pain ! Is there any chance you might be able to work on it with a therapist? :hug: :arms:
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Flowers, thanks for making look from the outside of what others might have thought about the situation if it occurred to them. I see that I wouldn't judge so harshly against them if they were in the same boat as I was in. I know I have given myself a very hard time about this. I have to let it go but first I have to admit that I did fall in love with him secretly, even though I have denied this truth because I can't believe that I would. I have forced myself to look at him in a bad way. I've written two pages to myself explaining all the things I don't like about him and that he isn't for me. Even though I tried that approach, I still loathe him and can't forgive myself. I thought I was recovering from this love sickness, but lately it's become a bother to my peace of mind. Because I'm fortunate enough to go to group therapy every weekday, I will not avoid this issue anymore and bring it up to my therapist and perhaps work it through little by little until I can learn to forgive myself and him. I just thought I could handle the denial myself but all it's doing is stuffing my feelings until I need to explode. I see that's not therapeutic to my recovery and that I really need professional help on this. Thanks for your insight about this, Flowers.
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Your plan sounds very good mpang. Also, sometimes I think things of significance happen in a way so we can have another round of working on core issues that are the roots of if. Eg having to do with love, or lack of it. From what I have expereinced and learned, core issues, root pain, often will come up time and again when we are ready to do more work on it. I think of it as a spiral. We successfully work on a level of it. And then at a certain point, a new level comes up for healing. And with it, often will come the dreaded healing crisis. aka hugeeeee pain, self blame, and so much more.

    You wrote the words that you thought you were recovering from this love sickness. I totally think the roots of love sickness run very deep. That takes lots of rounds of work as far as I am concerned. Each time we have made great progress. Love sickness, as you call it, has roots in great pain. I can see where the roots of this would never have been your fault. So I hope you can find reason to have compassion for you who has had to suffer from love sickness, which I call: great wounding usually from a young age. I find nothing but compassion for that. AND respect that you have already done work to heal it. And are going to do this next round. Thats the sign of a warrier
    :pinkheart:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2013
  8. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Flowers. Yes, dealing with the next step is due time for me. It's like peeling the skins off of an onion. One layer at a time. I have healed from the initial hurt, but now I'm ready to deal with deeper issues like you've addressed. It takes time to get to the core. Until then, I probably need guidance and support to go through the deep stuff and give myself credit that I'm willing to work on such sensitive issues.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    said like a true warrier of healing :hugtackles: This healing path takes strength courage and dedication. I so respect anyone who chooses to do the healing !!