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Low and scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by oldenglish, Oct 3, 2013.

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  1. oldenglish

    oldenglish Member

    I am 52 almost 53 and i posted here a few days ago and I wanted to explain what has brought me here.
    Around 5 years ago i found a growth on my penis this was diagnosed as Penile Cancer and within 2 weeks I was in hospital having a Penectomy, I was told not all would be removed but 2 more subsequent operations have left me with nothing, which is not quite true I have been left with physical as well as psychological scarring, I no longer feel a whole man and am reminded of this daily.
    Also that was when the voices in my head started, they started as laughter then monks chanting then songs and now abuse 24 hr a day 7 days a week. They abuse me they abuse anyone who gets close to me they hate me telling anyone about them and right this minute they are screaming at me to stop writing about them, but I have to because I am at a stage where what they tell me to do seems the only way.
    They tell me to kill myself the world will be a better place without you martin, go on do everyone a favour and die!!
    I hate sleeping and i hate waking because they never give me any peace, this morning I found tablets all over my bed I cant remember doing it and I started to cry they told me to finish the job, I have a friend who is kindly talking to me and i am scared that I am going to let her down by giving in to these demands.
    My parents are away in their caravan this weekend and I know the voices are going to be relentless in their demands,
    I also have crohns disease which has left me with only half of my bowels and waiting for biopsy results at the moment,
    whenever I fall over the voices laugh, whenever anyone gets close to me they back off when they learn about things , they say I will always be here for you then disappear.
    Anyway I have taken up too much of every ones time, thank you for reading and I am sorry for any mistakes but am upset and cant really see what I am typing.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Oldenglish that is a lot to deal with, do you have any support, therapist, that kind of thing?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The world would definitely NOT be a better place without you. Please keep trying to fight the voices. What they're saying to you isn't the truth; they're just saying whatever they can to try and isolate you, but it doesn't have to work. You can get through this; you don't have to fight alone. :hug:
  4. oldenglish

    oldenglish Member

    Thank you for the reply and reading my post, yes I am waiting for an appointment with the community mental health team, I have never had any counseling for the cancer or the result of it, thank you for asking
    Take care
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Do you take medicine for the voices?
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Whatever you do, don't miss the appointment with the community mental health team.
    You do not have to live like this and there is help out there.
  7. Chillguy

    Chillguy Member

    Oldenglish, can you tell me what you want out of the rest of your life? You have dealt with so many things, but you are still holding on and fighting. This shows that you are a strong person. It is truly an inspiration to me when I read your posts. Often I have felt half-crazy these days from lack of sleep and stress from a lot of different problems. Please share with me about your hopes and dreams.
  8. oldenglish

    oldenglish Member

    No medication as yet I am hoping my appointments might lead to help in that way,
    Thank you for taking the time to read my post
  9. oldenglish

    oldenglish Member

    Chillguy, up to 4 days ago I didnt want a rest of my life the voices and my illnesses ruled this miserable life, then someone started to help me , it came from an unexpected source. The voices still scream and shout but I no longer fear waking up.. I want out of life now is peace from the voices, if that ever happens I will think I have gone deaf!!
    The relief from pain is never going away i am resigned to that, I would like to meet the person who is helping me is my aim in life as long as I dont succumb to the voices on a bad day..
    Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
  10. Chillguy

    Chillguy Member

    Thank you for responding:)) Has anyone told you the voices are a result of schizophrenia? Or are they the result of something only you have an idea about? I have only heard voices like that one time, and that was for only a brief period while I was under the influence of 2 psychedelics at once. I could not imagine having to deal with those voices constantly. To make them stop have you ever thought of caapi? It is part of ayahuasca, but taken alone, it isnt even close to being as powerful. Maybe worth some research. Caapi vine*=)
  11. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    Good for you, OldEnglish, for getting appointments made to get some assistance. You've had a lot to deal with, and some counseling can help you find the tools to deal with how those things have affected your life. Major illness can have such an impact. For myself, after some life-changing happenings, I found some relief with the help of medication. I hope you can get some useful meds to settle those voices down. Good luck to you. Keep posting here to talk about how things are going.
  12. oldenglish

    oldenglish Member

    thank you for reading my posts I am getting help and I will keep posting what is happening
    thank you take care
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